The X Factor Live Shows - Week One

And so it begins! I held back on writing too much about The X Factor throughout the auditions (boring and/or annoying) and Bootcamp (where everyone is shit, always), choosing instead to throw together a little structured summary each week of the live shows. I wanted to let you all know about My Top Three Of The Week! So, let's begin with, in no particular order...

Craig Colton

Craig worked in a biscuit factory before auditioning for the show. He has a great voice and is, apparently, "the funny one" (although where this observation has come from is anyone's guess - he doesn't seem particularly funny to me... Once, he forgot what his Dad did for a job, that's about it). 

This week Craig sang Christina Perri's "Jar Of Hearts" (which I willingly mishear as "Jar o' Farts" every time the line it uttered). He was amazing. I think he'll be in my Top Three a few times this series!

Misha B

Misha IS The X Factor. She's what would happen if Lady Gaga had a baby with Grace Jones. She has a style and an attitude all of her own and when she takes to the stage she owns it. She's my early favourite to win.

Week One saw her singing the Adele song "Rolling In The Deep", but with an "urban edge". I don't know what an "urban edge" is... Maybe roadside shrubbery? Whatever. She blew me away and cemented herself firmly as "my favourite". Take note, people, Misha B is the Next Big Thing. Absolutely wonderful!

Janet Devlin

D'awww!!! Janet is ADORABLE! She's sooooo cuuuute! To borrow a much-hated turn of phrase from Louis "Boring" Walsh, she reminds me of a little Dolores O'Riordan (sort of). She's all squeaks and whistles and stuff. Her voice isn't as good as some of the others, but for "beauty" it's up there with the best of them.

She sang "Fix You" by Coldplay this first week (missing out the best bit, mind you, where it goes "Tears stream... down your face!!") and she sang it very well. But what makes Janet so appealing is... Well, SHE'S SOOOO CUUUUUTE!!!!!

NEXT WEEK:
My Week Two Top Three,
A word or two on styling
and
The Worst Of Them All.

The Wedding Of River Song

"An impossible astronaut will rise from the deep and strike the Time Lord dead f**k time up completely!"

 - Madame Kovarian (sort of).

So there we have it! River and the Doctor are wed. The Doctor is presumed dead and now he can step back into the shadows and continue his adventures without drawing too much attention to himself. That could come in handy - I wonder if it'll be enough to escape his believed fate at Trenzelore? The Wedding Of River Song was, if not a perfect ending to a complex and suspenseful series, then as near perfect as we were ever likely to get, in my opinion.

I shan't even attempt to summarise the episode - it felt like about six episodes in all, a story worthy of a two parter, if ever there was one! It's almost a shame it was just a standard-length offering. But there were scenes in this one that made up for all of it's (some may say many) little quibbly bits - not least the very opening scene after the recap, showing a "London unrecognisable".

This was a London in a world inhabited by alternatives of all our favourites: Winston Churchill is Holy Roman Emperor, the Silurian Malohkeh is his physician and Pterodactyls attack children in Hyde Park. It's a world where all of history is happening in the same moment - 5:02pm, April 22nd 2011 - and there's a Soothsayer in the tower.

Beautifully realised, this "alternative time line", created when River (in the space suit at the lake) doesn't kill the Doctor - an event that is a fixed point in time and so must happen in order to keep time from splintering - threw me into a world I wish we could see more of. Amy and Rory's alternative selves (eye drive'd up) were incredible - still themselves, but SO much more "kick ass".

And that's the best way to describe this entire wonderful episode: totally kick ass. I hate the phrase, but it fits. This was an exciting, satisfying, enjoyable mess of an episode that kept me hooked from the second it began. And I loved every second thereafter.

Story-wise, this was a busy one, on the surface at least. But scrape that surface away and there's very little to have to actually follow. The Doctor must die. River stops this happening and time goes wrong. To put it right the "poles" of this problem have to meet, allowing time to continue and the murder to happen as it must. So, all it takes for the world to be set to rights would be for the Doctor and River to touch long enough for her to kill him on the banks of Lake Silencio - since this is an episode about a wedding, was there any doubt as to what this "prolonged contact" would end up being? Mwah!

Now, us nerds on Gallifrey Base guessed a lot of the resolutions here; the fact that River is in the suit, what the eye patches were for, how the Doctor would (of course) escape his demise. Ah! Now there's a can of worms! Allow me to open that for you... The Tesselecta, a time travelling robot, staffed by a miniaturised crew, that is able to take the form of any person, duplicates the Doctor and "dies" in his place - allowing our Doctor to hide safely within, ready to continue his adventures (quietly) from now until forever. It was either going to be that, a Ganger Doctor or a totally aborted time line, a la The Girl Who Waited. I hoped it wouldn't be the outcome it was, but the way it was handled actually pleased me no end!

All in all, The Wedding Of River Song was a mad, busy, breathless race through a big pyramid, gently tying up many of the questions we've been seeking answers for these past two years. And it sort of ties them up well, to be honest, though there will obviously be those who disagree. 

I was hugely satisfied with the episode and, despite expecting to, did not feel cheated with the outcome at all. The conclusion, the Doctor and River's "wedding", the whole situation - they were all handled in such a way that they weren't quite what we were expecting, but weren't far off, allowing us to feel a bit clever ("I sort of guessed the outcome") but keeping us off guard enough for it to surprise and entertain ("I only sort of guessed..."). I've watched it a bunch of times already and think this is one that gets better with every viewing.

So now, we're almost clear of questions. The ones that remain (it's easier to list these than list the many answered) are clearly going to carry us toward the Eleventh Doctor's end. As Dorium Maldovar's head said, a question will be asked on the Fields of Trenzelore - where no untruth can be spoken - and the answer will devastate. It's vague, yes. I don't think we've seen the last of the Silence. I don't think we're done with this tale yet. I don't think the Doctor faking his death will stop him running about saving the universe at all. And I don't think we'll ever hear an answer to the oldest question, hidden in plain sight: Doctor Who?

Closing Time

THEY'RE BACK! No, not 'THEM'. THE OTHER THEM! And their metal pets.

And him. And her, but not for much of it. And that woman from Open All Hours. Yes, this week the Cybermen returned, with their Cybermat pal, Craig Owens returned with his girlfriend, Sophie and their new son Alfie "Stormageddon" Owens, in a jolly old beast by Gareth Roberts with a nasty sting in the tail. And Nurse Gladys Emmanuel on the make-up counter.

It's been two hundred years since the Doctor said farewell to Amy and Rory, during which time he's popped in to film with Laurel and Hardy, escaped from a prisoner of war camp and got himself imprisoned in (and subsequently escaped from) the Tower of London... But his imminent death has never felt so... imminent. He has just one more stop on his tour before he takes himself off to Utah to get shot by that mysterious Impossible Astronaut. More about just how mysterious that astronaut still is later in the week.

No, before he dies our Doctor pops in to visit his old pal Craig, again wonderfully played by James Corden.

Of course, when the Doctor is about, nothing's easy and before long he's working in a shop in order to work out what the hell is happening to a) the electrics in this place and b) all the people who are disappearing as well as doing his level best to make sure Craig and Alfie are safe. All this in an episode that is equal parts touching, funny and exciting.

Some have said that the Cybermen were wasted in this one; that since they were literally only just getting started with their invasion - due to having crash landed who-knows-how-many years ago in what would eventually become Colchester - when the Doctor and Craig blow the lot of them up with love (the only time a "Love Conquers All" resolution has actually worked properly, in my opinion). I don't think they were wasted. In fact, I think this is my favourite Cyberman story since the show returned in 2005. A battered faction using any means they can to get themselves back to full power; lovely.

But this one wasn't about the monsters - much to the obvious disappointment of many more difficult-to-please fans. This one was Doctor Who's way of doing "new father struggles to cope but realises that, with help and patience, he'll get there in the end" - and it was it doing it well. The character of Craig suits awkward new-fatherhood. And, whether you liked the episode or not, there's no denying that Matt Smith and James Corden are the best Double Act on telly at the moment. They bounce off each other in ways that fill the screen and engage you with every word. And you only had to watch Doctor Who Confidential to see just how well the two get on off-screen. I, for one, would welcome a third adventure with Craig Owens - let's have a DVD box set in fifteen years time called "The Lodger Trilogy", complete with audio commentaries with middle-aged funsters Matt Smith and James Corden. I'm smiling at the very thought... I bloody loved Closing Time. It was exciting, humourous, brilliantly performed and, most of all, a lot of fun!

But the fun can't last, kids. Because next week the Doctor dies again. And the final moments of Closing Time reveals the awful truth about just who is responsible. Many of us guessed it, but - even now - I'm not sure... Yes, Kovarian kidnaps newly qualifies Doctor River Song and positions her beneath Lake Silencio in the space suit; there to kill strike the Time Lord dead.

It all seemed too obvious, didn't it? The captain of the Tesselecta told us, back in Let's Kill Hitler, that Melody Pond is the woman who kills the Doctor. And we know from their records that the Doctor has always and will always die on the banks of Lake Silencio in Utah. 2 + 2 = 4. But could Moffat make it equal five? Is it possible that - yes - Melody kills the Doctor (and we've seen her do it, back in The Impossible Astronaut) but, through whatever mysterious means, she is replaced by someone more in control when it comes to sorting this whole mess out?

Nobody but those-in-the-know know. Luckily we don't have long to wait to find out. In a matter of days we'll see just how this is all resolved (though don't expect answers to every question we've been asking... we ain't getting them!). And, judging by the Next Time trailer (below), it may not be as simple as it seems. "502 never 503" indeed!

Also, watch the Prequel to The Wedding Of River Song on the official BBC Doctor Who site.