Altogether Now! 'DUH, Du-duh Du-duh Du-duh duh, DUH! Du-duh Du-duh Daaah!' The Apprentice Is BACK!!!

Yes. It's back! Everyone's favourite Schadenfreude-fix is on our screens once again. And as usual, Lord Sugar (I'll call him Alan) has a boardroom full of dicks. Well, not FULL, but almost full. There's no fun anymore in chirping about the idiots; there are far too many of them, they all blend into each other after a while, so I've decided to be as positive as possible in this post. I'm going to talk about my favourites.

First of all, my absolute favourite - an opinion based on nothing but the fact that he's a nerd - Thomas. Tom is, as far as anyone can tell, an inventor (though his idea for a mobile phone app that "is... traffic lights, just traffic lights" makes you wonder what on Earth he's invented that's any good! [A quick Google search reveals he invented the world's first curved nail file?! Whatever]). But he's funny and geeky and seems a really nice bloke. I can imagine going for a beer with him and coming up with some stupidly useless gadget for the home - something he has the skills to make a reality! I'm watching him closely, he could be our winner.

Then there's Susan Ma. She's young, she's cute, she's able but she's also clumsy and clunky with it. She's the most watchable of all the female candidates. Her explanation of a brilliant idea she had for an app was nothing short of astoundingly cringe-worthy. 

But she's nice! She's been shouted down by that horrible woman who thinks she's the best because she's (probably) the oldest. I feel a little protective over Susan. Which is silly, because she's more than capable of speaking up for herself! I think, like Tom, she's going to be here for a long while yet. I'm already picking out favourites and my approval usually acts as a mark of death. I hope I haven't put a jinx on these "favourites" of mine...

Although, even if I HAVE, it would hardly matter to Jim the Jedi. It would seem he has taken the title of Only Candidate Ever To Tell His Project Manager Not To Choose Him For The Bottom Three And Have The Project Manager Listen With No Argument Despite Him Already Having Chosen Him Before. It's a long title, sure. But it's an important one. Jim's mantra of "a box of green peppers, six onions" is one I'll try out the next time I'm bartering over fruit. I think Jim is, ultimately, the one most likely to win so far. He has charm and ability, he is able to take control when it's needed of him, as he did many times during this week's shows, and he is, again, a lovely bloke. I already like the candidates this year, even though I don't know most of them by name yet. I'm hooked though, so it's only a matter of time. 

A Letter To Laura Moore Off The Apprentice

My Dearest Laura,

I've always fancied backed you in this latest series of The Apprentice, since you're the only one who I thought was truly beautiful and lovely herself (apart from The Brand, but he's a sloppy cock). 

I was so sad to see you get Fired this week. Don't take it to heart, Lord Sugar is a sloppy cock too. You'd be better off working for someone else anyway as you're such a lovely, lovely girl that you deserve better than that. I think you could be my perfect woman. And all that stuff about the truffles? Yeah, don't worry about that either; that chef bloke was a fucking cock. Yes, that's right - in true Laura Moore style I'll be using coarse language throughout this letter because when you did it, it turned me on a little bit. I hope you don't mind, Laura, as I wouldn't want to upset you. I could tell that all that swearing and stuff you were caught on camera doing was just the pressure of the show getting to you a bit. And that's okay, you're a lovely, sensitive and sexy young woman and everyone lets things get on top of them sometimes.

So, how about this? Since you're better off without that idiot Sugar, I have a proposition for you. Come and be my girlfriend and I promise I will take the best care of you for ever and ever work with me. I don't have a business or whatever, but I do keep a blog and work in a call centre. What we could do is share the tasks. One week you do the call centre stuff and I'll blog, then the next week we'll swap. You don't have to accept right away.

As for living arrangements, I've got a flat that's great (if a little cold at the moment because my heating's packed in) although it's only a one-bedroom place. I don't mind sleeping top-and-tails, because you have the most perfect smile and we'd have loads of fun, if you like? And when we're watching telly in bed I'd have no problem whatsoever with you lying up the top end with me - even if you happen to fall asleep cuddled up to me with your lovely hair flowing over my bare chest, that's okay! I understand that you may not want to watch The Apprentice now that you're off the show (maybe you would, I don't know for sure), so when it's on the whole bed is yours until at least Ten Thirty. Have a think about it and let me know by email or on Twitter or something. I'm not holding my breath though.

Lots of Love 

Yours Faithfully,

Gareth xxx

PS. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you!!!

The Apprentice - "Karmically, they will be retributed!"

So tonight Melissa was FIRED. She claimed to be the best pitcher ever but clearly wasn't. As confrontational as she was, it wasn't enough to talk her way out of getting fired... blah, blah, blah! 

Sorry. I did enjoy the episode, but I need - need - to talk about someone else. I want to talk about Laura.

Good god alive, she's lovely, isn't she? She's pretty in that "eyes like a doll" kind of way, she is vulnerable yet competent and when she gets upset or cross her cheeks flush... 

Awww! I think, like any reality tv show I ever watch, she's the one I'm secretly in love with. 

Well, reader, it is a secret no more! She's lovely! Guh! I don't even know what it is about her that makes me go all wobbly and silly, but she does. I find myself feeling like I want to stick up for her (that's 'stick up for her'). It's like when you fancy the cool girl from school that you know isn't really all that cool but has managed to get in with the cool crowd. She doesn't seem to be nasty or selfish - certainly not as much as the rest of them anyway. When she does kick off, as she did tonight about the cancelled sale, she does so with very good reason! I'd have a bloody go if some stuck-up bird told me I was to lose my orders too!

Oh, hark at me! I'm gushing. As Ian Bishop would say, "Bro... " - you know what? There are comments enabled; maybe he'll say it himself :)

The Apprentice - Dan Harris Is A C**t!

And so it begins. Lord Sugar has a new hench-woman and I already want to kill 4 of the candidates! There's a new house, a woman who looks like a friend of mine and so much male-back-slapping/girly-group-hugging that I wanted to high-five someone myself, sat at home! But there was one who just couldn't cut the (pork and) mustard (sausages) tonight...

The first entrepreneurial hopeful to become a hopeless nonentity was Dan "I'll Project Manage And You Do All The Work" Harris - what a prick.

Or, as he will be known from here onward, The C**t. A loud-mouthed, bullish, pinch-faced shout-monger who, despite being an ex-millionaire sales director, was a shit salesman and a terrible leader. The C**t yelled, pushed, arm-folded, huffed, puffed and blew himself out of the house and into that black cab before the end of just the second day.

The only reason I can think of for The C**t's to-attentionism and utter disregard for professional courtesy and understanding - (if he'd spoken to me like that in front of strangers in the street I'd have quietly taken him to one side and explained, politely, that I am not a cat and barking at me won't make my run faster) - the ONLY reason I can think of for his over-the-top, look-how-big-a-man-I-am 'juggernaution' is that he's got a dick like a bookie's biro. 

That said, The Brand was a pain in the arse and I'm a little freaked out by that woman who looks a bit like Miriam Margoyles being sucked nose-first up an invisible vacuum cleaner - so it's clearly going to be another year of I LOVE HIM/I HATE HIM action from the best dichotomous reality show on Earth - (it's both full of childish wankers who can't be trusted to wash a fucking car and the people who actually have jobs in important areas of this country's economy - no wonder we're all going to the dogs) - Roll on next week.

My favourite? Oooooh! Too early to tell... Ask me again next time.