RIP Norman Wisdom

It's a sad day when you can no longer claim that this comedy genius "still has it"... A sad, sad day. He was capable of the most incredibly hilarious acts of slapstick humour, right to the end. Rest In Peace, Pitkin! Still, 95 eh? That's not a bad innings...

Here's my favourite EVER Norman Wisdom routine;

The X Factor - My Final Twelve In Order

That's it. All the pre-recorded shows are over and now we take control. From next week onward only us, the viewing public, have the power to pick a winner. Whatever you're into, there should be something in here to suit you. The groups, for once, are all great. The girls and boys - no matter how controversial the choices - are incredibly talented and the over 28's... have Storm Lee in them. So here are my favourite six, in order, starting with the act I like most... 

STORM LEE

Without doubt the only "Star" in the true, old-fashioned sense of the word, in the final 12. There's something very "80s Front Man" about him. He conjours up an image of flashing lights and loud electric guitar riffs - and lots of warm beer. I'd buy a ticket to see his show NOW. So if he wins - and I think he's in with a chance - then he'll be huge. All I can say is good luck mate. I'm backing you all the way.

MATT CARDLE

Matt, Matt, Matt... What can I say? The only X Factor performance to ever make me cry was his Bootcamp rendition of The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. He can sing, he's unassuming. He's got that rough "I'm just me" look about him and I hope to God they don't "clean him up" too much for the live shows. As he is, he's going to go far. Maybe even our winner here, folks...

KATIE WEISSEL

Bonkers. Lovely. Talented and very, very likeable. But she is a Marmite act... She'll either stay for weeks and weeks, or be out in week two. Either way, she's made. Expect "driving in a car in black and white while singing" music videos from here soon. And another thing... those eyelashes? HOT! I thought, anyway. Now all she has to do is NOT fuck it up, like she has in EVERY audition so far.

1 DIRECTION

They look like a boy band, they sound like a boy band. They are the ultimate Boy Band. Five very talented, very likeable, very gracious and most of all VERY MARKETABLE lads who, I think, have what it takes to become a mainstay in the UK charts. And with Cowell as a mentor there's not really a long list of mistakes they're gonna be allowed to make to mess it up! 

CHER LLOYD

Attitude, talent, looks, maturity, stage presence, a sore throat - Cher Lloyd has got it all! And despite messing up a bit (a lot) at Judge's Houses she is probably the most unconventional X Factor contestant the show has ever seen. Hip Hop Honey she is! And I don't think there was a doubt in anyone's mind that, with Cheryl as a mentor, she'd make the live shows. Now to see her shake her stuff LIVE next week. Great!

REBECCA FERGUSON

Damn, she's cute. She so quiet and clearly a decent girl... She's the best dressed and styled of all the contestants by a country mile and she has the voice of an angel! But... But... I don't know... There's something not quite working here... I don't know what it is... She has the lot. But I don't think she has what we're really looking for here - The X Factor. She's great and everything, but I don't think we'll be seeing too much of her.

Now let's see where this goes!! More X Factor EVERY WEEKEND UNTIL CHRISTMAS! Right here.

"I'm getting a man... or a woman... or..."

I'm angry. You have no idea! I was going to watch Glee and blog about that; now I wish I had! Glee - by the way - is a bunch of shit, no offence to those who like it. Lots like it, but to me it was terrible. More on that later!

For now, though, I want to talk about something I found on Living TV or something. Psychic Sally: On The Road. A TV series based on a live show based on a TV series. The titular Sally is psychic. Of course, she's NOT! She's a fake - unless she can prove otherwise! But what I saw of the show angered me so much I felt I had to put something - anything - down in print. The concept is simple. She charges £23.50 for an hour long "medium" show where she contacts the dead for the sad and grieving, yet paying public. Sometimes, she "hits" and gets something right - I'll talk about that in a second. Sometimes she's wrong... but of course the proffered negative means nobody ever notices she's wrong (eg. You don't have a dog do you? - answer: yes ("yeah, I thought so..."), no ("no, I know...").

When she's right, she's only barely right. Today the conversation (paraphrased, but without any exceptional changes at all) went thus:

Sally: I'm getting a woman... she's standing forward... her name is Vi, or Violet?

*Woman stands up*

Sally: Hello, my darling... Do you think this is for you?

Woman: Yes... I think... yes.

Sally: Who've you lost dear? Who's in spirit?

Woman: My mother.... Sylvia....

Sally: Sylvia... now, in the spirit world, she's known by others as Vi... 

Woman: ...Oh...

Sally: She wasn't your mother was she dear? Was she your mother?

*Woman breaks down*

Woman: Oh my... yes... she was yeah... Oh God!

It's criminal! This woman has been given NO indication that this was her mother! The name was even incorrect!! Okay, I know she COULD have been called Vi, but really?! Would it jump out at you? And Sally was told by the confused and emotionally wrecked Woman that Sylvia was her mother, just two questions before, yet still broke down and seemed in awe at the revelation when Sally "told" her.

There was also something about a "white dog with a bad mouth" which, to that same woman - clearly desperate to get some sort of closure for something - translated into her "golden Labrador, Muffin" who DIDN'T have a bad mouth at all, but that detail was soon forgotten...

But look at this! Before the second ad break the audience are shown filling in cards with the details - names, relationships, brief description - of the people they would "most like to receive a message from, should one come through"... So, presumably, if Sally read the cards before the show and in the intervals and memorised just a handful of the information provided, her show is WRITTEN FOR HER BY THE AUDIENCE and all she has to do is wobble a bit and leak the info a sentence at a time, all the while niggling at the audience member for anything she can get - using subtle cold-reading. 

But the house this woman lives in! And the car she gets driven about in! I WANT THAT! So here we are! I've decided to give YOU, dear reader, your very own, personalised and hopefully accurate character reading, using only my powers of psychic magic - or whatever!

So, without further ado, please place your hand on the screen and read on...

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them.

You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations.

You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic.

No, no! That one's for free! Please let me know how accurate my reading was by contacting me on Twitter.