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Thursday, 6 January 2011


I'm unemployed once more. My contract at my most recent place of employment has ended and 2011 begins, for me, by eating beans from a tin and watching tv in my pants at 5am, scratching myself. But fear not, people. I've applied for a job already! Here is the GENUINE job description from the Jobcentre Plus search machines:

'Do you want to earn money using your natural gift from the comfort of your own home? We require up to 20 psychics to take advantage of our home worker opportunity; you will work on a self employed basis. All we require is that you have a land-line telephone, broadband/internet connection, pc literacy and of course the most important part, natural psychic talent.'

Now, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has talked themselves up in a job interview. It happens all the time. Of COURSE I know how to use Excel to a very high standard (note to self: swat up on Excel), of COURSE I have an exceptional grasp of Photoshop (note to self: download a "how to do photoshop" PDF from the internet or something), of COURSE I have psychic ability (well, as much as anyone else claiming to have 'the gift' anyway). I saw this advert and thought, I'm pretty good at cold reading and talking bollocks to vulnerable people for money - I should apply! I drafted an email to the fella advertising - a "Psychic Businessman" named Paul B - and almost pressed SEND. 

Then I thought "there's no need to press SEND, on account of Paul being psychic. He'll KNOW I'm about to apply, on account of him being psychic. He should also be able to 'see' my telephone number in his mind and therefore be able to contact ME about the job", on account of him being psychic. I thought, I'll sit here and wait patiently. I may not be the first person of the twenty he will call. But at least he 'knows' I'm interested! I've not heard anything just yet. If I haven't had a call by tomorrow morning, I'll call him. Although, if he couldn't even tell I was interested, using his powers, then maybe I should look for a more competent Psychic Employer.

But, I'm an optimist. And a psychic one at that (Shhh!). So, WHEN I get this job - and I will, I know I will, on account of me being psychic - who wants to be my first customer? I'll even give you a discount if you quote the special offer code below!

Special Discount Code: 8ULLSH17