Telly-Centric

I, Partridge - We Need To Talk About Alan

2012-01-05T05:57:00.001Z

Between the ages of 15 and 22 I presented a weekly show on a local radio station that drew in excess of 500 listeners per show. It was something I loved doing and something I would never have done if it weren't for the inspiration lit within me by one Alan Gordon Partridge.

I've just finished reading Alan's second autobiography, I, Partridge (I unfortunately could not get hold of his first offering, Bouncing Back, since it was only on sale for a short while before poor uptake prompted the pulping of each and every unsold copy. I missed out. A shame. But this new book is a must for anyone with a dream of working in broadcasting (any medium).

Chronicling his life from birth to present, the tome goes further than his previous one, dealing with all aspects of his life and career; not just focussing on his battle with and recovery from Toblerone addiction.

I don't believe I have ever read a more inspirational, more open and more honest account of any one man's life. I laughed, I cried, I made notes. I shan't share them with you because I don't want to spoil the narrative. This really is a book you should pick up and read yourself. LOVELY STUFF!

Sherlock - A Scandal In Belgravia

2012-01-02T16:03:00.004Z

Sherlock's back and this time we all have some idea of what to expect! We know that the first series of Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat's contemporary take on Conan Doyle's classic was quality television. We also know that we've been promised adaptations of what are arguably the best known Sherlock Holmes stories ever committed to print. And then, the Doctor Who Christmas Special aired and I panicked...

There really was nothing to worry about. On the contrary; this new episode of Sherlock was so good that I have banked the dire waste of time that was Doctor Who Xmas 2011 from my mind. It didn't happen. Sherlock is back and that's what matters.

Beginning where we left off last series - at the side of the swimming pool, gun pointed at bomb, Moriarty, Holmes and Watson about to die - it was none other than The Woman, Irene Adler, who saves the situation (with more than a little help from the Bee Gees) and our story begins - with a montage. Sherlock has gathered a following thanks to the popularity of John's blog and the cases are pouring in. Most are "boring" but some tickle Sherlock's fancy: The Geek Interpreter, The Naval Treatment and The Speckled Blonde to name but a few (wink, wink). And it's on one of these cases that Sherlock gains his "public image" while trying to hide his face from the paparazzi using a theatrical prop - a Deerstalker hat.

But! The story! A dominatrix has compromising photographs of herself and a young female royal being naughty. The Palace, understandably, want them back and enlist Sherlock Holmes to track them down. The dominatrix is Adler.

Fans of the canon will know that Adler is the only woman to beat Sherlock Holmes. This modern take on the tale is no different. Well, not much different, surprisingly. Sherlock acquires the phone containing the images but it would seem that there is something else on there, something more important, more dangerous, that the Governments of two countries would like recovered. I won't give you a blow by blow account of the episode, but I will say that Adler is a fantastic character. More than Sherlock's match.

Through fake deaths, brain work and more than a little flirting from Ms Adler a plot is uncovered that deals with terrorist attacks on aeroplanes that, despite having cracked an enemy code to learn about, the Governments allow to happen in order to keep the enemy in the dark about just how close on their tails the good guys are.

Planes full of dead bodies (with a clever little call back to some of the cases in the opening montage) and a pretty obvious mystery featuring "Death by Boomerang" make up the 'story' part of this episode, but it's the relationship between the main characters (and the supporting cast) that makes A Scandal In Belgravia far more than an average detective story. Sherlock/Adler, John/Adler, Mycroft/Sherlock, Sherlock/Molly and Sherlock/Mrs Hudson; relationships between all of these characters force the viewer to look at all of them in a completely new light. Gatiss' performance as Mycroft Holmes in particular makes for utterly spellbinding viewing. He's given far more screen time and we're treated to a darker and less omnipotent side of this wonderful character.

But it's Martin Freeman's John Watson that acts as the point of relation here. All the other characters - from Andrew Scott's horribly chilling turn as Moriarty (the most effective and effecting two minutes of screen time ever, in my opinion) to the CIA agent's almost-hammy-but-not-quite appearances to Adler's sexy and dangerous verbal spanking - they come across as existing just outside this plane of reality. But John Watson's down to earth, caring, competent sidekick-cum-babysitter is a pleasure to behold. When Paul McGuigan's ultra-cinematic direction whisks us away to Sherlock-land you can count on John Watson to remind us that the dangers these characters are facing are happening in a very real world. And it's this reminder that carries the show for the whole 90 minutes. Even the quiet, slow, thoughtful moments within this episode - and there were a few - have a gentle undercurrent of very real threat.

A Scandal In Belgravia is nothing short of a masterpiece. It's clever and exciting, very funny, very sexy and takes the characters we met in the first series just a little further. Far enough to know them better and find more to both love and hate about them, but never so far as to make them any less interesting or wondrous than they are now. Sherlock is still a mystery, John is still a gent. Mycroft is still camp. And yet, we know them all a little more... And, if only for the tension, I want to see Adler again (but hope I never will).

Sherlock, as a show, looks like nothing else on television. Just two things disappointed me about this series two opener; the frankly misjudged "eleventh hour rescue" of Ms Adler from the centre of a Karachi terrorist training camp (implausible) and that my screen wasn't big enough for me to fully appreciate the epic scale and richness of visuals in this otherwise perfect piece of television. I've never sat so still in my life as when this was on. Now, what about those Hounds?

It's A Small World (On Twitter)

2011-12-17T12:13:00.000Z

On September 15th 2011, while staying with my girlfriend @tlchimera in Chichester, I took it upon myself to make a book purchase - an already exciting thing to me - a little more interesting. The book I was buying was @gracedent's 'How To Leave Twitter'. I'd wanted the book for ages so bought it.

Being a nerd of epic proportions when it came to Twitter - and being one to never miss an opportunity to mingle with the like-minded - I popped a note (pictured) into a copy of the very same book a little deeper into the shelf.

I didn't think anything of it, "since," thought I, "nobody will answer anyway!" but it was worth a try. It wasn't a pathetic attempt to up my number of Followers, more an experiment to see a) how long it would take to get found and b) whether the instruction would be followed. I wasn't hopeful. But my reasoning was thus: A person buying a book called 'How To Leave Twitter' would very probably be someone who uses Twitter regularly. That someone would then probably relish the thought of "something weird happening" like this.

But who'd have thought it could be so weird?! One of my long-time followers/followees (and a bloody nice chap) @fazzinchi Tweeted the following today:

@Squishedup Small World! I *know* @gabundy, the guy who wrote the note! He's one of Twitter's finest! Gareth - #ifoundyournote's been found

And so I got digging. It turns out that my note - as you see above - was found and that the person who found it was a friend of a friend. What a small world it is! Now, I shall plant more and more notes in more and more books that are Twitter-related in the hope of gathering a "viral crowd" - I may even start a brand new Twitter account for this very purpose. Watch this space...

(How To Leave Twitter by Grace Dent is one of the finest books you'll read. A must for every Tweeter. Click here to buy it!)

Rev.

2011-12-15T22:17:00.001Z

Tom Hollander is a genius. Whether portraying Cutler Beckett in Pirates of the Caribbean or Cal "The Fucker" Richards in The Thick Of It (or Simon Foster in In The Loop) he always shines. He's one of the most believable comedy actors of modern times - all this in my opinion, of course.

But I think it is in Rev. on BBC Two that he shines brightest. For the uninitiated Rev. is about a rural C of E Priest who finds himself becoming the vicar of a run-down, eccentric inner-city London church. And it's that simple - it's a bit like an urban Vicar of Dibley but more relevant and without the horrible laugh track. It's sometimes dark, sometimes sweet and always very enjoyable. This is a "sitcom" that just happens to be about a religious man and his work. There's very little in this that could be called cruel; nothing that would really offend believers or non-believers.

It's on its second series at the moment and I completely missed the first series. Indeed, this second run is nearing the end (or may have already finished) but I urge you now, if you haven't seen it, dig it out from somewhere! I will be. I have to see the first series because this gentle comedy drama is not only a lovely change from today's "edgy take on religion" that so many favour; it's also very often beautifully told.

Hollander is great in the lead and Olivia Colman is wonderful as his wife. Miles Jupp also shows his face and in my book that's an instant plus.

So So So Scandalous!

2011-12-08T20:37:00.001Z

So, 'Sherlock' series two has finally been given a date for transmission: January 1st 2012, 8:10pm on BBC One. So, not long to wait now, really. And if we are to believe the hype (something I think we are safe to do with Sherlock) then we're in for one hell of a ride!

The first of the 90 minute films this series is 'Scandal In Belgravia', a 21st Century take on Holmes classic 'A Scandal In Bohemia'. This is the one with The Woman in it - the infamous Irene Adler, the only person to have outsmarted Holmes.

This time round she's played by 'Spooks' and 'Robin Hood' star Lara Pulver. And she's... well. Not exactly what you'd expect. Sometimes refered to as Holmes' love interest, this time we get something a little different. "Well," says co-creator Mark Gatiss, "she's gay and he's only interested in the brain work ... Something happens. But it doesn't have to be something as mundane as a love story. It's far more interesting than that!"

So, what? Word has it Adler is 'a high-class dominatrix with a camera phone full of dirty secrets" and I can think of no better way of dragging the Adler character into the 21st Century, not so kicking and screaming - Adler was always one of the more "ahead of her time" characters in Doyle's stories.

Joining Pulver in the "newbies" caravan is Russell Tovey as Henry Baskerville in episode two, 'The Hounds Of Baskerville' - no prizes for guessing the source material on this one!

And returning with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman's Sherlock and John are Mrs Hudson, played once more by Una Stubbs (don't mess with her or you'll get it!) and...

...well, let's look at where we left off last series. At the pool where Carl Powers met his end so many years before Sherlock confronts his nemesis, Jim Moriarty - a smarmy, smart and shockingly original take on the well-known villain, played by the incredible Andrew Scott. So obviously he's back too! But how on earth will our heroes get out of the "gun pointed at bomb" cliffhanger? I'm guessing it'll be more "change of mind" than "change of underpants" when push comes to shove, though that's no bad thing. The only real way they can get out of it is by "it" not really being as threatening as it seems. I could be wrong, who knows?

Well, a select few at the moment. All of us soon enough. And I cannot wait! There's clearly got to be a lot more of Andrew Scott's wondrous Moriarty in this series given that the finale of the three-part mini-series (though I feel nasty calling it that seeing as each offering is an hour and a half in length - longer, really, than a standard six-part series of, say, [anything clocking in at 30 minutes per episode]) is based upon 'The Final Problem' - here called 'The Reichenbach Fall'. The original sees hero and villain go hand to hand in combat on a dangerous cliff top. Both fall to their death (*wink, wink*).

How Moffat and Gatiss' show will handle this story in Steve Thompson's finale script is anyone's guess. I don't really want to know before it airs and I can't wait to see what they have for us! This finale is little more than a month away! Yet, don't want it to end! I want it to go on and on and on! Lucky, then. Because as aficionados know, 'The Final Problem' is far from the final story told, so I'm already looking forward to a third wonderful series. And series two hasn't even aired yet... Brrrr! Exciting, isn't it?!

I will be reviewing each episode of 'Sherlock' series two as they air, right here on the blog.

Black Mirror - The National Anthem

2011-12-04T23:28:00.001Z

Charlie Brooker has given us some of the most provocative television ever. From his hilarious satire Nathan Barley (a must for those who have never seen it) to zombigbrother comedy drama Dead Set to his often acerbic Screen- and News-Wipe programs.

His latest offering, Black Mirror, is no less controversial or thought-provoking. In fact, I would personally argue that Black Mirror episode one, The National Anthem, is not only Brooker's finest fictional work but also an important piece of television that everyone should see.

The premise is this: Popular "people's princess" Susannah - a member of the Royal Family exceptionally well loved by "The Facebook Generation" thanks to her social-media-savvy relationship with the iPublic - is kidnapped by person or persons unknown. The culprits post a chilling video ransom message on Youtube demanding that, in order to secure Susannah's safe return, the Prime Minister must have full sexual intercourse with a pig live on television.

So the clock ticks. The PM has until 4pm to "do the deed" - but the public's access to the facts via Twitter and other social networks does not make the decision making process any easier than you would imagine it would be.

Along the way there is press-snooping, double-dealing subordinates with the PM's best interests at heart and an audience of millions (I think the show stated that it was about 1.4 billion actually) waiting patiently to watch a man they seem to approve of do something repulsive and illegal with a farmyard animal live on all channels.

So, is this a parable? Is this just the Schadenfreude-fuelled need for celebs eating animal anuses a la I'm A Celebrity... taken to an extreme; a warning that if we don't buck our TV ideas up we'll end up tuning in to see the PM shag a pig to save a princess in our millions? Or maybe you, like many on Twitter, didn't get that from it. Maybe you were content with simply taking the material at face value and found yourself just laughing at this bloke shagging a pig, as you would at Joe Swash eating a slug on ITV. There's another question for us all here too: Would you watch?

I really don't want to give away any particular details about this show because it is far more impacting if you just watch it yourselves. It's available on 4OD and is more than worth an hour of your time. I want to say more (indeed, I typed a far more detailed and more interesting and structured version of this blog but deleted it because I want you to WATCH IT YOURSELF!) but I shan't. I'm tired. Goodbye.

(Read more about Black Mirror RIGHT HERE after its last episode airs...)

The X Factor - A Break From Tradition

2011-11-27T21:29:00.001Z

Yes. I know. I haven't yet posted about last week's X Factor, let alone penned anything about this week's. Well, I won't be. Because I think I've finally flipped. I think the show has finally lost me. Not the talent (for there is some) but the set up and format of what is, essentially, a big moneymaking scam, if you ask me.

I'd like to talk a little about what I think is the worst crime the show commits every week, without anyone even noticing, apparently. I speak of "this week's theme is...".

The show is called The X Factor. To me that means that each and every person who makes it to the live shows should have something very unique about them to get them there. Misha B has The X Factor. Janet has her own X Factor. Even coke-fuelled shag-machine Frankie Coccozza had it. In his own way. So why, then, do the judges, coaches and producers do all they can week on week to force these so called "unique performers" to act the same as each other? If a contestant is chosen for the live shows based on her wonderful country singing, why should she then be made to "diversify" and cover an ABBA track?

Do you really think anyone said to Ozzy Osbourne, upon his being discovered as a talent, "You know what Ozzy? You're great... but how are your Beatles covers?" Nonsense. If I was in control of the show then I would let each contestant sing whatever they wanted to sing, as they wanted to sing it. And it would be the judges job to facilitate their wishes and help them or guide them when required. Instead, great singers are being made to perform "outside their comfort zones" as though anyone would want to buy an album made up of one ABBA cover, one Queen song, a song from a movie, a song by their "hero" (usually someone whose music is nice and popular - nobody ever says "my heroes are The Knife, let's sing Behind The Bushes!). Let them sing what they want and BE who they ARE.

Because audiences - especially teens, who tend to have the deciding vote in the household - are fickle and not at all loyal. If Janet fans - those who like her singing her YouTube hits - hear her singing Waterloo by ABBA, badly, then they're likely to think "you know what? She's become shit. I'm not voting for her". It's not fair.

So here's my take on how the show should be scheduled over a weekend:

SATURDAY: At 8pm the show begins, the judges are introduced and the first act comes out. He/she sings (and plays an instrument, if they can) whatever she chooses. Then the judges give their opinions and there's an ad break. Then, two more acts come out and do the same, then another break. And so on until all the acts have sung and received criticism (constructive or otherwise) and comments from the judges. Then, at the end of the show, the lines open. The show lasts about an hour to an hour and a half depending on the number of acts competing. (Although, there was only 34 minutes of actual singing in a two-hour show once...).

SUNDAY: At 8pm we get a bit of behind the scenes footage from last night, showing how nervous they all were etc, etc. Then the judges are brought out again and we're told which two acts received the lowest number of votes. Ad Break. The lowest scoring acts both perform another song of their choice. The judges comment and decide which act is best. If there is no clear loser then the one with the lowest number of votes leaves the show. The entire programme lasts half an hour, 45 minutes at the most. There is NO NEED to drag it out with celeb performances and false-comment from the judges.

This happens each week until there are just three acts remaining. Then, all three sing two songs each; one cover song of their choice and an original song, which will become their winner's single. The judges have no say here and the public vote for who they want to win. This means that each week the most popular acts remain, and remain based on their personal talent and style, not on any manufactured image thrust upon them by the show. The show is, then, essentially, a showcase for undiscovered talent rather than the "build a pop star" kit it has become.

Though I fear I've wasted my time typing this out. Nothing will ever change, will it? Bastards.

The X Factor Live Shows - Week Six

2011-11-17T15:12:00.001Z

Wow! Sorry this is late but I've been a little busy in real life. But WOW! The X Factor saw a lot of drama last weekend. After Frankie left in shame it was up to us - the public - to vote back in one of our previously booted off folk.

The show began about 12 minutes or so later than scheduled, due to power issues at BT Tower. Fair enough - the show must go on and all that...

But it's odd, then, that the result of who would return to the show was posted on the X Factor website about 12 minutes or so before the show announced the result. No problem, if the show was recorded and shown on a slight delay, sure. But what of all the people voting up until the closing time for a returnee?

Whatever. Quite-Hot Amelia-Lily was our favourite and rejoined The X Factor with a dazzling performance at the end of Saturday night's show. She's now bustled herself into my Favourite Three To Reach The Final, along with Marcus and either LittleMix (I hope) or Craig Colton (I think).

But it wasn't all about Amelia-Lily's return! Last week we also lost the one person I believe had been improving vastly week on week; Kitty Brucknell - which was a shame.

Sunday night saw Lady Gaga and some schoolboys performing. Gaga, particularly, was sad to see Kitty go. Running out on the stage as the result was announced, Gaga hugged Kitty - who she is said to have "taken a shine to" - and comforted her, but not before Kitty showed Misha B and the judges how Born This Way should be sung. Taking the mic from Dermot and launching into an acapella version of Gaga's hit Kitty wowed the audience and proved herself to be a stayer in the British music industry. We shall see her again, you mark my words.

It was a good week! But all of a sudden the show feels chaotic and unpredictable. Kitty and Misha B in the bottom two? Arguably the finest performances of the night. Next week is Movie Week and that is always my favourite. I like trying to guess what movie the song is from. I shall look forward to it.

I'm backing LittleMix to win, but think it will probably be Marcus or Craig. However, Amelia-Lily has really shown that she should have been here all along and is now fresh in the minds of the voting public. Those getting bored or Craig's warbling or Marcus' jigging about, or LittleMix's consistent and exciting performances (wink) may slide their vote over to Amelia! She could win. She could. We'll see.

Frankie Booted Off The X Factor

2011-11-09T10:34:00.003Z

So Frankie is out of there! After allegedly boasting about cocaine-fuelled sex sessions and weeks of bad behaviour, he has been asked to leave the show. It was only a matter of time, I suppose.

So what happens now? Well, one rumour floating about is that The Risk are to return, but this is more than likely a joke about their seemingly infinite number of lives. Another is that a selection of ex-contestants from this series will be "put to the vote" and the most popular will return. Yet another is that nothing will happen and nobody will go this coming weekend. That would, however, mess up the Sunday night results show, leaving show-makers with even more dead air to pad out. Maybe they could still do that thing where they read out who's staying in the competition, still take twenty minutes to do so, but just read everyone's names out.

Or how about this: Get them all to sing a song of their choice, then put each performance online available for download, as normal. But this time, whoever gets the most downloads is immune from elimination next week. Or something like that.

One last question: despite him being a bollo role-model, how long do you think it will be before some group of arseholes launch a "Frankie For Xmas No1" campaign? Sigh.

The X Factor Live Shows - Week Five

2011-11-07T10:58:00.004Z

Straight in to my Top Three this week - Marcus takes the top spot with his rendition of the cleverest choice of the week, Reet Petite - VERY classic. And he was wonderful. Followed closely by the ever-reliable Misha B in second place singing and looking like Tina Turner while singing her TT song Proud Mary.

But this week's third place goes to Craig Colton who, despite being very good, is really boring. Yes, he's a wonderful singer, he's always got a smile on his face, he's very popular in the house - but I think he's boring.

Here he is, look. Looking a bit like a Miami Vampire. "Oh, he's a bit fat and probably gay, he's smiley and scouse... He's SO funny". Um. No he isn't! He has made maybe one or two jokes the whole series long and is riding a wave of Adele-like warbling hype, probably all the way to the final. I loved him to begin with, but now he's boring me a lot. Sorry Craig. I'd rather spend my hard-earned honk on an album by a pratdigger like Frankie Coca-Cola than on your poor-man's-Adele-tribute-album. Harsh, maybe. But it's true.

I was going to talk about how many adverts there always are during The X Factor but I loved that X Factor M&S advert so much this weekend that now I can't bring myself to assault the world of advertising in any way*. And this week, I've finally grown to love Kitty! Which IS confusing and means I can't write what I planned to write about her either.

So let's look forward to next week instead. Now we've lost The Risk and Johnny Robinson there are almost only "purely talented people" left (even Frankie has a following - this is The X Factor, not Pop Idol, remember!). It's going to be really difficult from here on in to choose who to kick out and who to keep. It really will have to be based on their performance that particular week. But then, everyone has bad weeks which, the following week, they have recovered from totally and are seen to be 100% back on form, so that wouldn't really be very fair.

And next week our seven remaining contestants are rumoured to be taking on the songs of Lady Gaga (which should suit Kitty, since that's her job, isn't it? Sing Gaga, Britney and Madona songs?), which started a marvellous game of "who'll sing what?" in our house.

So, for your consideration, here are what me and @tlchimera think each contestant should sing:

Kitty Brucknell should sing Edge Of Glory
Frankie Coca-Cola should sing Bad Romance (this arrangement)
LittleMix should sing Just Dance
Craig Colton should sing Speechless
Janet Devlin should sing Paparazzi
Marcus Collins should sing Dance In The Dark
Misha B should sing Pokerface

NEXT WEEK: We'll see if we were right about the above, Why I think there should be no "Themed Weeks" at all and... you know what? I probably won't talk about what I plan to talk about, so what's the point. Thanks for reading :)

* This Is Sarcasm

The X Factor Live Shows - Week Four

2011-10-29T22:27:00.001+01:00

Okay, so here's how it is: last week I said I was going to moan about Kelly Rowlands' massive chin, but then this week Alexandra Burke took Kelly's seat and took big faces to a whole new level! So, it would be completely unfair to follow my plan through.

So, straight on to This Week's Top Three! First off, the lovely Johnny Robinson, who was finally given a chance by Louis to show his real talent off. Singing That Ole Devil Called Love, he blew me away - and got a kiss from Gary.

Next up, the woman I hate to love, Kitty Brucknell - by far the most interesting to watch on the show; I think she's about as professional and hard-working as it's possible to be on a show that forces you to "be yourself" - this is what Kitty is and love her or hate her you cannot deny she has an amazing voice. Her rendition of Sweet Dreams was outstanding.

Now, the third place in my top three has given me trouble. Should it go to the ever-wonderful Misha B? Or maybe to the recently renamed LittleMix? Or Frankie, who once again proved that you don't have to have a great voice to be a great pop star... One thing's for sure - and I hate to say this - it's not going to Janet Devlin, who (in my opinion) only just managed to make her song bearable. She's wonderful, but her song this week was NOT.

But at least we saw a more "grrr" side to her this week. She's not as cutesy as we're all lead to believe. It's clear from the VTs that she speaks her mind and isn't afraid to be the one with the differing opinion. And she likes to wear lots of black leather when she's at home - to a judgemental person that would make her an S&M Whore!

But there we are - Janet is lovely. I have a soft-spot for her and it's clear she'll go far in this competition, but innocent? Not completely. She's entirely able to hold her own and defend her own opinions. I still love her. She's pretty awesome.

Overall, this was a bit of a flat week for me. Johnny and Kitty blew me away but all of the others left me a little deflated. Hopefully next week the show will kick back and be the nervous ride it usually is. And on here NEXT WEEK: Craig Is Boring. Kitty Is Confusing. And there are Too Many Ads!

The X Factor Live Shows - Week Three

2011-10-24T18:43:00.003+01:00

Rock Week came and went with the usual drama - backstage bullying, pop songs rocked up/rock songs popped down, shiny suits, flame bars and more of Kitty's massive face than ever before.

So, who did well and who didn't? My Top Three This Week are: Johnny Robinson singing The Darkness' "I Believe In A Thing Called Love", who was wonderful! Really entertaining! Also, Misha B(ully) singing "Purple Rain" and - I hate that I'm saying this... - Kitty Brucknell doing "Live and Let Die".

No Janet (although she'd be in my top four) this week! Shock!! But let's get on to the next thing. A question that has been debated time and again in our house; Which Rythmick Is The Hottest? Here are your options: The one who looks like an Ewok. The hot black one. The blonde one. The other one. I think I've answered the question while asking it, to be honest, but I'd be pleased to know what your opinion is... @gabundy on Twitter, let me know.

I love Rythmix. They're doing what no other girl band have ever done on The X Factor - they're singing in tune and are actually entertaining us.

They seem to be good friends and I've not yet seen a performance from them - at any stage in the competition - that I haven't enjoyed. Excellent stuff. They stand for so much more than just "Girl Power" (that's such an outdated term now - God, I feel old!). There's an element of "we may not be perfect but then who is? We're having fun" about them as a group and it comes across in their performances. You can see how much fun they're all having too, off-stage as well as on - each and every one of them are clearly happy to be there, doing their thing every week...

...which is more than can be said for Sophie. She's clearly very talented (although she murdered "Living On A Prayer" last weekend) and, in her normal clothes at least, she appears to be Just A Normal Girl but her performances, her reaction to comments from the judges, everything she says in interviews - to me, it all just screams "I Can't Be Arsed". Maybe I'm being unfair. I like her, I think. But I don't think she likes us... does that make sense? Hmmm.

Whatever. The X Factor is still keeping me entertained and now that Sammi is out (thank fucking God) I can watch it without the fear of accidentally being hypnotised by her shape-changing mouth. I honestly believe that she is a witch with powers of control over her voting audience... Well, no more! Sorry Sammi. x

NEXT WEEK: Janet - Is She Really As Innocent As She Seem? and Kelly's Massive Chin.

The X Factor Live Shows - Week Two

2011-10-16T14:42:00.001+01:00

It seems that this week it was all about the romance. All I can say is, I love my top three this week!

Okay, Kitty was good, but I can't bring myself to support her - she's so... UGH! I hate her! Sorry Kitty, nothing personal. But my top three this week has to be the beautiful Janet Devlin, again, the wonderful Misha B, again and, thanks to their great chemistry and obvious talent, The Risk - the X Factor's newest boy band. They're awesome! But I have to spent this week's post bleating about how amazing Janet Devlin is. She is simply outstanding. Sweet and talented and beautiful and emotional and I think she could go all the way to the final.

I also have to talk a little about the worst of the lot; particularly how it's not really their fault. So, firstly, let's talk about Johnny Robinson! The fella can sing! He really can! But there's a thing that Louis Walsh likes to do with his acts and that is "turn them into jokes".

Because Johnny is clearly a gay man with a flamboyant character then obviously he must be dressed accordingly - so let's slap him in a sparkly jacket or a fucking kimono and eye liner. NO LOUIS! NO! Let the man sing! His Kylie song this weekend was... just okay, mainly because it was made into a big camp show. Although, when I closed my eyes and just listen he sounds great! Really great!

So Louis, give him a chance to just SING the song.

And as for Kitty - yes, she was good this week, but I hate her!

NEXT WEEK: Rythmix - Who's The Hottest? (Seriously - it's something that has split opinion in our house) And "Does Sophie Even Want To Be There?" - Looking forward to it.

The X Factor Live Shows - Week One

2011-10-09T15:24:00.003+01:00

And so it begins! I held back on writing too much about The X Factor throughout the auditions (boring and/or annoying) and Bootcamp (where everyone is shit, always), choosing instead to throw together a little structured summary each week of the live shows. I wanted to let you all know about My Top Three Of The Week! So, let's begin with, in no particular order...

Craig Colton

Craig worked in a biscuit factory before auditioning for the show. He has a great voice and is, apparently, "the funny one" (although where this observation has come from is anyone's guess - he doesn't seem particularly funny to me... Once, he forgot what his Dad did for a job, that's about it).

This week Craig sang Christina Perri's "Jar Of Hearts" (which I willingly mishear as "Jar o' Farts" every time the line it uttered). He was amazing. I think he'll be in my Top Three a few times this series!

Misha B

Misha IS The X Factor. She's what would happen if Lady Gaga had a baby with Grace Jones. She has a style and an attitude all of her own and when she takes to the stage she owns it. She's my early favourite to win.

Week One saw her singing the Adele song "Rolling In The Deep", but with an "urban edge". I don't know what an "urban edge" is... Maybe roadside shrubbery? Whatever. She blew me away and cemented herself firmly as "my favourite". Take note, people, Misha B is the Next Big Thing. Absolutely wonderful!

Janet Devlin

D'awww!!! Janet is ADORABLE! She's sooooo cuuuute! To borrow a much-hated turn of phrase from Louis "Boring" Walsh, she reminds me of a little Dolores O'Riordan (sort of). She's all squeaks and whistles and stuff. Her voice isn't as good as some of the others, but for "beauty" it's up there with the best of them.

She sang "Fix You" by Coldplay this first week (missing out the best bit, mind you, where it goes "Tears stream... down your face!!") and she sang it very well. But what makes Janet so appealing is... Well, SHE'S SOOOO CUUUUUTE!!!!!

NEXT WEEK:
My Week Two Top Three,
A word or two on styling
and
The Worst Of Them All.

The Wedding Of River Song

2011-10-03T20:34:00.002+01:00

"An impossible astronaut will rise from the deep and ~~strike the Time Lord dead~~ f**k time up completely!"

- Madame Kovarian (sort of).

So there we have it! River and the Doctor are wed. The Doctor is presumed dead and now he can step back into the shadows and continue his adventures without drawing too much attention to himself. That could come in handy - I wonder if it'll be enough to escape his believed fate at Trenzelore? The Wedding Of River Song was, if not a perfect ending to a complex and suspenseful series, then as near perfect as we were ever likely to get, in my opinion.

I shan't even attempt to summarise the episode - it felt like about six episodes in all, a story worthy of a two parter, if ever there was one! It's almost a shame it was just a standard-length offering. But there were scenes in this one that made up for all of it's (some may say many) little quibbly bits - not least the very opening scene after the recap, showing a "London unrecognisable".

This was a London in a world inhabited by alternatives of all our favourites: Winston Churchill is Holy Roman Emperor, the Silurian Malohkeh is his physician and Pterodactyls attack children in Hyde Park. It's a world where all of history is happening in the same moment - 5:02pm, April 22nd 2011 - and there's a Soothsayer in the tower.

Beautifully realised, this "alternative time line", created when River (in the space suit at the lake) doesn't kill the Doctor - an event that is a fixed point in time and so must happen in order to keep time from splintering - threw me into a world I wish we could see more of. Amy and Rory's alternative selves (eye drive'd up) were incredible - still themselves, but SO much more "kick ass".

And that's the best way to describe this entire wonderful episode: totally kick ass. I hate the phrase, but it fits. This was an exciting, satisfying, enjoyable mess of an episode that kept me hooked from the second it began. And I loved every second thereafter.

Story-wise, this was a busy one, on the surface at least. But scrape that surface away and there's very little to have to actually follow. The Doctor must die. River stops this happening and time goes wrong. To put it right the "poles" of this problem have to meet, allowing time to continue and the murder to happen as it must. So, all it takes for the world to be set to rights would be for the Doctor and River to touch long enough for her to kill him on the banks of Lake Silencio - since this is an episode about a wedding, was there any doubt as to what this "prolonged contact" would end up being? Mwah!

Now, us nerds on Gallifrey Base guessed a lot of the resolutions here; the fact that River is in the suit, what the eye patches were for, how the Doctor would (of course) escape his demise. Ah! Now there's a can of worms! Allow me to open that for you... The Tesselecta, a time travelling robot, staffed by a miniaturised crew, that is able to take the form of any person, duplicates the Doctor and "dies" in his place - allowing our Doctor to hide safely within, ready to continue his adventures (quietly) from now until forever. It was either going to be that, a Ganger Doctor or a totally aborted time line, a la The Girl Who Waited. I hoped it wouldn't be the outcome it was, but the way it was handled actually pleased me no end!

All in all, The Wedding Of River Song was a mad, busy, breathless race through a big pyramid, gently tying up many of the questions we've been seeking answers for these past two years. And it sort of ties them up well, to be honest, though there will obviously be those who disagree.

I was hugely satisfied with the episode and, despite expecting to, did not feel cheated with the outcome at all. The conclusion, the Doctor and River's "wedding", the whole situation - they were all handled in such a way that they weren't quite what we were expecting, but weren't far off, allowing us to feel a bit clever ("I sort of guessed the outcome") but keeping us off guard enough for it to surprise and entertain ("I only sort of guessed..."). I've watched it a bunch of times already and think this is one that gets better with every viewing.

So now, we're almost clear of questions. The ones that remain (it's easier to list these than list the many answered) are clearly going to carry us toward the Eleventh Doctor's end. As Dorium Maldovar's head said, a question will be asked on the Fields of Trenzelore - where no untruth can be spoken - and the answer will devastate. It's vague, yes. I don't think we've seen the last of the Silence. I don't think we're done with this tale yet. I don't think the Doctor faking his death will stop him running about saving the universe at all. And I don't think we'll ever hear an answer to the oldest question, hidden in plain sight: Doctor Who?

Closing Time

2011-09-26T11:18:00.001+01:00

THEY'RE BACK! No, not 'THEM'. THE OTHER THEM! And their metal pets.

And him. And her, but not for much of it. And that woman from Open All Hours. Yes, this week the Cybermen returned, with their Cybermat pal, Craig Owens returned with his girlfriend, Sophie and their new son Alfie "Stormageddon" Owens, in a jolly old beast by Gareth Roberts with a nasty sting in the tail. And Nurse Gladys Emmanuel on the make-up counter.

It's been two hundred years since the Doctor said farewell to Amy and Rory, during which time he's popped in to film with Laurel and Hardy, escaped from a prisoner of war camp and got himself imprisoned in (and subsequently escaped from) the Tower of London... But his imminent death has never felt so... imminent. He has just one more stop on his tour before he takes himself off to Utah to get shot by that mysterious Impossible Astronaut. More about just how mysterious that astronaut still is later in the week.

No, before he dies our Doctor pops in to visit his old pal Craig, again wonderfully played by James Corden.

Of course, when the Doctor is about, nothing's easy and before long he's working in a shop in order to work out what the hell is happening to a) the electrics in this place and b) all the people who are disappearing as well as doing his level best to make sure Craig and Alfie are safe. All this in an episode that is equal parts touching, funny and exciting.

Some have said that the Cybermen were wasted in this one; that since they were literally only just getting started with their invasion - due to having crash landed who-knows-how-many years ago in what would eventually become Colchester - when the Doctor and Craig blow the lot of them up with love (the only time a "Love Conquers All" resolution has actually worked properly, in my opinion). I don't think they were wasted. In fact, I think this is my favourite Cyberman story since the show returned in 2005. A battered faction using any means they can to get themselves back to full power; lovely.

But this one wasn't about the monsters - much to the obvious disappointment of many more difficult-to-please fans. This one was Doctor Who's way of doing "new father struggles to cope but realises that, with help and patience, he'll get there in the end" - and it was it doing it well. The character of Craig suits awkward new-fatherhood. And, whether you liked the episode or not, there's no denying that Matt Smith and James Corden are the best Double Act on telly at the moment. They bounce off each other in ways that fill the screen and engage you with every word. And you only had to watch Doctor Who Confidential to see just how well the two get on off-screen. I, for one, would welcome a third adventure with Craig Owens - let's have a DVD box set in fifteen years time called "The Lodger Trilogy", complete with audio commentaries with middle-aged funsters Matt Smith and James Corden. I'm smiling at the very thought... I bloody loved Closing Time. It was exciting, humourous, brilliantly performed and, most of all, a lot of fun!

But the fun can't last, kids. Because next week the Doctor dies again. And the final moments of Closing Time reveals the awful truth about just who is responsible. Many of us guessed it, but - even now - I'm not sure... Yes, Kovarian kidnaps newly qualifies Doctor River Song and positions her beneath Lake Silencio in the space suit; there to kill strike the Time Lord dead.

It all seemed too obvious, didn't it? The captain of the Tesselecta told us, back in Let's Kill Hitler, that Melody Pond is the woman who kills the Doctor. And we know from their records that the Doctor has always and will always die on the banks of Lake Silencio in Utah. 2 + 2 = 4. But could Moffat make it equal five? Is it possible that - yes - Melody kills the Doctor (and we've seen her do it, back in The Impossible Astronaut) but, through whatever mysterious means, she is replaced by someone more in control when it comes to sorting this whole mess out?

Nobody but those-in-the-know know. Luckily we don't have long to wait to find out. In a matter of days we'll see just how this is all resolved (though don't expect answers to every question we've been asking... we ain't getting them!). And, judging by the Next Time trailer (below), it may not be as simple as it seems. "502 never 503" indeed!

Also, watch the Prequel to The Wedding Of River Song on the official BBC Doctor Who site.

Doctor Who Christmas Casting 2011 Revealed

2011-09-21T01:19:00.000+01:00

So it seems we have our guest cast and a setting for the story of this Christmas' Doctor Who special! If you don't want to know then do not read any further (although with the photos and all it's probably too late). It may also be worth you living in your basement eating nothing but rice with no contact with the outside world until December, too... This news will be out there tomorrow morning.

The guest stars this year are:

Arabella Weir; former Fast Show actress.

Bill Bailey; troll-like funny man.

Alexander Armstrong; Pointless tv bloke, funny man and voice of the computer Mr Smith in the Sarah Jane Adventures.

And the one we already knew about, Outnumbered star Claire Skinner.

The story takes place during World War Two which lends more truth to the rumours of a Doctor Who take on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I wonder just how well that will play? I suppose we shall see. Actual story detail is thin on the ground, as is to be expected at such an early stage, but the 'Star' newspaper claims "The special sees the Time Lord (Matt Smith, 28) crash land in war-torn England. Posing as the caretaker of a creepy old house in Dorset he embarks on a magical mystery adventure with Madge Arwell and her two children, Lily and Cyril."

As for the cast, I'm more than happy with that. Looks like this will be a jolly old episode, funny too! There isn't anything official on which characters they'll all be playing but we know Claire Skinner is playing "a Mum" (presumably the companion for this one) and I would put money on Alexander Armstrong being a bumbling professor type. As for Bill Bailey and Arabella Weir - who knows?! But I can see Bill being some magical, alien being - all made up and all.

I'm quite excited about this now! Roll on Christmas!

The God Complex

2011-09-19T23:17:00.001+01:00

Okay. Let's get what I didn't like out of the way first, then I'll tell you how much I enjoyed the latest episode of Doctor Who. This one felt a bit rushed. And yet, at the same time, lacking in reach. It felt that they rushed through so much that it left a large hole in the middle of the episode. But, as I shall explain, The God Complex redeemed itself. Luckily.

Let's accept this one for what it was; nothing spectacular, but nice all the same. The idea was lovely - a sort of modern take in the Minotaur in the Labyrinth... And an effective one! I almost wish they'd not bothered with the "fears within rooms" thing though. What would have been wrong with a spacey prison, floating about keeping its Minotaur inmate out of harm's way, yet picking up the odd snack for him while it did so? Yes, there would have to be a reason, a method of selection for these snacks, but that would be worked out...

The Minotaur looked great, it worked well as a "chase" villain. I wish it was the Doctor and a group of people running away from a big monster. Something that simple would have worked very well.

That's not to say this episode didn't work as it was. As I've mentioned, the idea was good! They missed a trick not including some seriously creepy fears (the nerdy blogger afraid of girls, the clever would-be companion afraid of being a disappointment, they all seem a bit by-numbers for my liking) within the rooms and, given time, the whole "Rory not having a room" thing could have been explored in far more interesting ways. It was basically overlooked in the episode. Such a shame!

But what really did work well here was the tone. It was well-lit (as in bright) and it was familiar. The Muzak was a lovely touch and the ventriloquists' dummies were wonderfully creepy. As was the clown. It seemed that the forgotten fears, left behind long after their hosts had died, were worse than those of our survivors. Another shame.

Aha! Now, our survivors! There's a thing! I won't talk about the obviously meant-to-have-been-thought-as-the-next-companion Rita - everyone's talking about her, so I won't. I will, however, talk about Gibbis. Yes, I know everyone's talking about him too, but I want my say. I thought David Walliams' performance as the alien afraid of everything was wonderful. You could tell it was Walliams, but you never felt - or at least I never felt - as though it was a parody character. I think we all expected "a funny, cowardly alien" and what we were given, subtly, was a back-stabbing swine who would sacrifice the lives of anyone else, willingly, in order to survive himself. Now that's about as dark a character as we're likely to get on a Saturday tea time. Truly chilling, especially as most of Gibbis' darker, more selfish lines were delivered with a knowing smile behind the eyes.

Visually, this one was a treat. I thought the direction was faultless and the performances across the board were incredible. I also think that the monster of the week was one of the better we've had. I just wish it was all about him.

I can't say I DIDN'T enjoy this episode because I really did! I scored it 7/10 on the Gallifrey Base Rate and Review thread. But it gained a whole point for the last ten minutes. Yes, boys and girls, it would seem that for once we have a happy departure from the TARDIS. So far, just since 2005, companions have been fired, abandoned, lost in parallel universes, neglected, mind-wiped, dropped into burning engines and - in the case of so many would-be companions - completely overlooked before the adventure had a chance to begin. But with Amy and Rory it seems the decent thing has been done; before their lives can get any more fucked up the Doctor has bought them a house and a flash motor and allowed them to live happily. This obviously means that sometime in the near future something terrible will happen to them. Allowing companions to just leave is against everything Doctor Who holds dear. We shall see.

Anyway, bottom line: not a bad episode, by any means. Exciting enough, full of ideas and a fine example of the show looking as good as it ever will. But there was something lacking this week. I just don't quite know what. That last Goodbye scene saved it from a far smaller place in my memory. So, once again, the Ponds make Doctor Who for me. Awesome.

OH! And next week we have Cybermen. I love Cybermen. I have one in the title-bar of this very blog. I can't wait :)

The Girl Who Waited

2011-09-11T11:41:00.001+01:00

So, this was the mysterious one that nobody knew anything about! Tom MacRae's Doctor Who offering. The elusive Episode Ten. And I'm so glad I knew very little about it! This is one of those episodes that sounds a bit rubbish on paper, but shines so brightly on screen (literally, in this case) it hurts.

The premise was this: The TARDIS lands on the planet Apalapachia (or something) and find themselves under a quarantine. There's a plague that kills only two-hearted life-forms, Chen 7, so our Doctor has to sit this one out in the TARDIS. "Sit what out?" you ask?

Well, due to a forgotten phone, a wrong button and an accelerated timeline, Amy's got herself stuck in an alien clinic, pursued by well-meaning but deadly Handbots. When Rory heads off to find her he doesn't expect 36 years to have passed for her during the 10 minutes or so he's been gone. And so begins one of the most emotional and well-acted episodes of Doctor Who I've ever had the pleasure to sit through.

Seeing a main character aged is something that's been done before, but always superficially. Martha was aged in Torchwood's second series but it didn't last long, and we've seen the Doctor himself aged to hundreds of years old in the finale to series three, but again, it wasn't for long, or for real.

This time, it's done properly. Kudos to Karen Gillan who carries this episode almost all alone and does so expertly - this should be enough to shut the "Karen Can't Act" lot up for good! She clearly can. The subtleties she shows in her performance as "Old Amy" is a pleasure to behold. She's such a bitter, hard, unforgiving character that you almost see her as the villain of the piece, especially when she refuses to help save "Our Amy" from her lonely, heartbreaking fate. And she plays the same person "as a different character" as well (if not better) than Tennant did as John Smith in The Family Of Blood.

More than anything else it's the relationship between Rory and Amy that makes this episode so wonderful - lots of little things are revealed about their past together that cements these two, in my mind, as the best-fleshed-out companions we've had. Sure, Russell gave us families and friends to potter about with, but in Amy and Rory we have a real sense of knowing all about them without ever having seen the life together we know so much about. Their first kiss to a silly song, in particular, was a lovely beat; a "get out of this" plot resolver and a beautiful nod to a history unseen. The story is simple, the conclusion a little simple also, but the episode looks, feels and sounds so perfect that it's difficult to find anything at all to complain about.

So I won't. As you know, I have an almost medical inability to criticise Doctor Who - you should never, ever use my reviews as a measure of quality, I always like it. But this time, even if I DIDN'T always enjoy the show, I'd be singing its praises. It seems that, in many different forms, this series is throwing out some great episodes: For emotion, this one is up there with 'Vincent and the Doctor'. For excitement, it's up there with 'The Pandorica Opens'. For pure good looks it beats almost anything we've been given before. And for making a grown man cry... well, we'll leave that, okay? Rory's choked "I'm sorry, I can't do this!" at the TARDIS door, when "old Amy" is begging him to let her in while at the same time telling him that he really, really shouldn't, broke my heart. And when Doctor Who can do that, you know you're on to a winner.

And the Doctor's cruel and deceitful means of "saving Amy", then dumping the responsibility of Old Amy's inevitable death/non-existence firmly within Rory's hands brings up an important question: Now that Amy and Rory know how ruthless the Doctor can be, even to the people he cares about most of all, will they even want to travel with him anymore?

Whatever the fallout from this beautiful episode, it's a relief to know that, no matter what, Rory will do all he can to assure his wife is safe. He loves her, she loves him, they are perfect together. I've never been one to gush over in-show relationships, but I love this dynamic so much. It really is true love - rarely at the forefront of everyday life, but always there as the most important emotion you can ever feel. And both parties know the other feels it. It doesn't get much better than that. And as far as this episode of Doctor Who is concerned, that same sentence will do just fine.

Night Terrors

2011-09-04T16:36:00.002+01:00

Doctor Who fans seem to have issues with Mark Gatiss' scripts. I don't know why. I know the episodes written by him are not always the best in the series, but often that's not due to the script itself - more due to direction, design or performances...

Luckily, I don't think that Night Terrors suffered in any such way. In fact, this is a beautiful little story that isn't massive or epic or important, but rather a bit creepy, a little bit sad and a lot good looking. Of course, others will inevitably disagree and that's up to them. For me, the dolls are the most nightmarish of Doctor Who monsters we've had since 2005 and the whole idea behind this story was lovely.

So, [spoiler] George is afraid of everything, but because he's an alien his fears are manifested into terrifying realities once banished to the cupboard. It's up to the Doctor and his friends to talk George around and convince him not only that the monsters that are so real don't have to be, but also that his family love him very much. This is a very human story with a genuinely creepy monster. Yes, monster. A perfect Doctor Who idea - creepy dolls in a giant dolls' house. Wonderful!

So it seems that this episode may have silenced at least some of those criticising Gatiss' episodes. Maybe. For me this is just what the series needed. A break from the arc. This felt like the perfect episode for Matt Smith.

Once again, this episode highlights the reason why Matt should be cast beside children more often. He works so well with the kids. And the actor playing George was odd enough to pull of being an alien alongside Matt, who is exactly the same.

The ways in which the characters in this story ended up "in George's dolls' house" were also scarily everyday. An old woman sucked into a heap of black rubbish bags, a nasty old man sinking terrified into his grubby carpet while his beloved dog watches on nonplussed, a falling lift... 'Horrors' that can be seen in most kids' everyday lives - I mean, whose nan DOESN'T have a carpet like that?! Complain if you want about how this one "clearly depicts a drop in budget" but I think it's the normality of the setting combined with the simplicity of the "monsters" that makes this one so enjoyable! What little SFX there were in this one were excellent, though! Those transformation scenes were what we were promised with the Ood/human switch in Planet of the Ood - truly horrific and completely unsettling.

What, then, of the possible similarities with previous Who episodes? The creepy kid/alien (Fear Her), the miniaturisation of companions (last week's LKH), the Love Conquers All ending (The Doctor Dances) and, if you're being picky, bins eating people (Rose)... If you look hard enough there are similarities to be found. But then, that's what Doctor Who does sometimes. It's not as though they were direct lifts from other stories, just similar themes! I have no problem with that :)

However, I do have a problem with this: I bet some of you switched over after the episode finished and watched The X Factor instead of Doctor Who Confidential, didn't you? And in doing so you missed the best thing I've seen in ages - namely Arthur Darvill having a chat with Jamie Oram (George) in the back of a lighting van, didn't you?! You MUST catch up on that because it might have been the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Sorry to go all gushy there. Bottom line; I loved Night Terrors. Wonderful, creepy stuff! Bravo!

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

2011-09-03T13:50:00.000+01:00

There have been many time travel movies throughout the decades, from the classics like The Time Machine, to Back To The Future, The Jacket, The Butterfly Effect and the brilliant indie movie Primer. All have a different take on how it all works. But none of them have entertained the nerd within me more than the hilarious and complex Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel. Not a new movie - it came out in 2009 - it almost passed everyone by. I'm not really sure why, because this low-budget gem is lovely!

It follows two Sci Fi (sorry, Science Fiction, or SF) fans who spend their time working nerdy jobs in the day and talking nerdy stuff in the pub by night. Along with their cooler, more sceptical, critical friend they inadvertently end up on an isolated trek through time via a time leak in the toilets of their local, helped along the way by one sexy SF time travel chick and hunted by another. Full of twisty-turny (I struggled to not write Timey-Wimey) scenes exploring the more complex, responsibility-laden aspects of time travel. I won't give the game away, but for a movie set exclusively within a pub it is amazing.

Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel stars Chris O'Dowd (The IT Crowd), Marc Wootton (My New Best Friend) and Dean Lennox Kelly (Being Human, Doctor Who). Watch it if you can!

✰✰✰✰★

The Inbetweeners Movie

2011-09-02T00:01:00.001+01:00

Today I went to see The Inbetweeners Movie starring Simon Bird, Joe Thomas, James Buckley and Blake Harrison, based on the fantastic and juvenile hit E4 series. If you know the show then this movie will do it for you - if not, watch the show on YouTube first, you need to love these characters before you can forgive them for ANY of the things they do in this movie.

This review is not exactly spoiler free, but it doesn't matter, since nobody watches this show for the plot line. I sat in a dark cinema and laughed for almost 2 hours straight today and remembered why this little show holds such high office in my heart.

I'm not a LOLer. I do the "blow out through your nose and raise the corner of your mouth" chuckle. But when I watch The Inbetweeners I LOL. A lot. And the movie - although it's not quite as laugh-out-loud-at-able as the tv series - manages to pack at least one big laugh every ten minutes. When the news of an Inbetweeners movie broke there was only one premise that could be followed. It's one that has been done before, but there was nothing else that would have worked as a movie. Yes, it's "Boys On Holiday".

And dear lord alive, what a holiday. Everything that can go wrong does go wrong, but also - since they're on the big screen - things go right too! The film follows the four on their Pussay Patrol in Malia, chasing gash across the beach and - shockingly - getting some! But it's not as straight forward as it sounds.

As I say, it's not a very original concept, but it's effective. Ten times funnier than Kevin And Perry Go Large, thankfully. And as much as I don't want to give away the gags - of which there are MANY - I do want to mention a few of my favourite moments in the film.

First off, Neil's "shit in the childrens' toilet" dilemma had me unable to breathe - partly due to laughing too hard, partly due to the sheer vomit-factor. It is unbelievable. Also "coke through the nose" inducing are the shapes our zeroes throw on the shiny floors of Malia's least-cool club. I now have a "dance" that is ironic and funny and entirely manageable for someone with two left feet, such as I. I cried laughing at Will's dance moves, cementing the fact that Simon Bird is a genius firmly in my mind once more. If you haven't seen him performing stand-up then search for his Student Chortle Award sets on YouTube now.

Look out also for Jay's encounter with an ants' nest, Simon's misjudged romantic ending (I am still laughing about this, poor sod), Will's lost glasses and Neil's wonderful ways with women.

Ah, Neil. The only member of the crew who has accepted the fact that you only live once and while on this Earth you may as well just enjoy yourself. The happiest Inbetweener, worried about nothing. He takes a large chunk of the laughs in the movie, something his character is short of in the show, I think. Also, a perfect piece of casting genius sees Anthony Head playing Will's dad (Head being the real life dad of the actress who play's Carli) and we learn, once and for all, why Will's parents split up in the first place.

The film is often very near the knuckle - sometimes finding itself immediately on top of the knuckle - and crosses the boundary into male full frontal nudity (we see at least two of the boys' cocks - something I wish I could un-see). The romantic sub-plot is beautifully pitched and surprisingly believable - it gives hope to all of us who would call ourselves honorary Inbetweeners. I loved this movie. At last, the "loser boys on holiday" cliche actually works. It's the show's sense of sick humour and then some. Lovely!

✰✰✰✰★

Doctor Who: Racist, Homophobic, Misogynist?

2011-08-30T13:53:00.002+01:00

I wasn't going to comment at all about the numerous reviews and blog posts doing the rounds at the moment which, after Let's Kill Hitler aired on Saturday 27th August, have swept through Who's recent past to find anything they can to wrap around a stick and beat the show with. "Fans" of the show have inferred that the show is racist, misogynistic and homophobic. I've read 4 separate reviewers declare themselves outraged that the only black character in the episode was to die just 15 minutes in. Several have blown up about the use of gay or lesbian characters "as tokens" and one even went so far as to say that the show has become "a straight, white guy bending the laws of time and space in order to get another straight, white guy laid" - I'm not ashamed to say I laughed outright when I read that.

So I thought I'd have a little rant of my own, in the show's defence. Though, it doesn't need me to defend it because almost every word these people have written is sourced from misquoted lines from the show, out-of-context situational reporting and a blatant and recognisable hope that the people who will read their stuff have never watched the show, therefore swallowing every twisted, spiteful word without question. I begin with...

Doctor Who Is Racist

I'm not even going to mention in detail the fact that since it returned in 2005 Doctor Who has seen two black companions and a plethora of characters, good and bad, of ethnic origin. I'll stick only to the issues people seem to have with Mels in LKH.

She jumps into the Doctor's life as (says one blogger) a stereotype - a hypersexual, gun-toting criminal. Since this character IS Melody Pond/River Song then I almost can't complain about the description. What better way to describe River than as a hypersexual, gun-toting criminal? However, if River's character was a gentle, sheepish woman with asthma then, no doubt, so would have been Mels' character, to a degree. Race has NOTHING to do with the characterisation of someone who can change their entire appearance, race not being a limiting factor.

People also have a problem that she dies 15 minutes in... Again, a black stereotype, right? "The black guy always dies first!" and all that? Well, if you're citing this as something that happens then YOU'RE the racist. Night Of The Living Dead, Alien, etc etc etc. This is only an issue if your narrow mind finds it so. But agian, I'm getting ahead of myself. Mels HAD to die when she did because that's how the story goes! River is born from her, and learns to be the River we know and love. It was hard to do in the 45 minutes allowed, let alone any time shorter than that thanks to giving Mels more screen time. I suppose these people think along the lines of "aw, poor black actress, she's just got a part on telly - well done on that! - and now they're killing her immediately! Why don't you give her a chance, eh? She's black! She needs the screen time!" Racists, all. It's a "give 'em a chance" attitude that is in itself completely prejudiced. A character is a character - race is not an issue at all. Next up...

Doctor Who Is Homophobic

Once again, I'll use a specific example pulled from the review/blog posts of those who seem so outraged. I'm not mentioning any names or posting links because it's not worth the risk of kicking of a witch hunt or even contributing to one - this is MY rant.

One blogger states that a further example of Moffat's homophobia is "the inclusion of a gay couple in [AGMGTW] who don't need names, preferring to call themselves "That Gay Married Couple" - Um, no. They are referred to as "The Thin Fat Gay Married Anglican Marines", not because they are gay or married but because - fairly - it's unlikely there will be another couple of men who can be described this way anywhere on the Asteroid. It's not homophobia, it's humour. They could just as well have been a male and female, called "The Fat Thin Black White Married Anglican Marines" but, no doubt, then there would be a cry of "Racist!" or even a "oh Lord, ANOTHER straight couple - sigh". Doctor Who has done a lot of good in bringing homosexuality and queer characterisation into mainstream. Kids who watch Who don't have to ask what "gay" means anymore - it's simply two men or two women who love each other. No problem! Now ask the "football kids" what "gay!" is and they'll likely say "it's an insult you shout at others".

Nope. I welcome the mention and inclusion of gay characters and situations in Who. It's a good thing. Hopefully, an informed younger society will mean less and less aggression and prejudice in the future! And lastly...

Doctor Who Is Misogynist

One line in last week's Doctor Who seems to have got a few people bleating about Rory and Amy's recent wedding having stripped her of the strength she used to show. That line was "But what do I think?!", clearly the words of nothing but a little woman who needs all the help she can get from her big, strong man. Hmmm...

Now, this line comes in reply to the following exchange:

Rory: Sonic it [the Antibody]!

Amy: How do I use it?

Rory: Just point and think!

Amy: But what do I think?!

And apparently this means that she has lost her ballsy character and is now asking her husband to do all the thinking for her. WHAT!? Are you telling me that, in the same situation, male or female, you wouldn't ask the very same thing!? I know I would! What the hell DO you think when trying to battle robot killers with an alien gadget?! The same review that raises this unforgivably pathetic point also says that Amy - throughout the series - has been "killed and put in a box through no agency of her own, resurrected and married off through no agency of her own, impregnated through no agency of her own, replaced by a synthetic clone through no agency of her own, had a baby through no agency of her own, somehow raised the baby inadvertently through no agency of her own, and spent “Let’s Kill Hitler” as a robot duplicate and/or helpless mess, looking to Rory to replace agency of her own, of which she has none. Amy’s so firmly construed as Rory’s property that the Doctor actually asks Rory for “permission to hug” her in moments of emotional crisis."

Because of course, marriage is rape, right? And a running joke that comes from the insecurities of the "big strong husband" this poster takes such offence at is now a sinister and harmful pointer to all young men to "take control of their woman!". Some people really are spiteful bastards.

What do I think is to blame for this overly nasty analysis? Well, it's just that. The fact that these reviews are disguising themselves as academic texts analysing the show instead of the feedback of a fan/viewer. People take this show far too seriously and forget that they're meant to be having fun while watching. And if that fun stops, if the show fails to entertain anymore, turn it off! There's nobody holding a gun to your head! This is my pet hate among viewers of this show: it's easier to keep watching and criticise than it is to stop watching and risk missing something good. People love this show far too much.

The show isn't sexist, misogynist, racist, homophobic or anything else. It's purely a big, loud, flashy comedy fantasy sci fi drama something-or-other which features a thousand-year-old alien in a stolen police box travelling time and space in search of adventures. It's a bit of fun. It's clever, usually. It's entertaining, usually. It's FUN! There's nothing malicious or nasty in it. You can't judge this show by standard views of race, gender, sexuality or morals. I strongly believe, as many do, that race, gender and sexuality are not barriers or even issues - but just "aspects" no different to eye colour, hair colour etc. It would be lovely if the world could see things this way. An actor is an actor, regardless of race or sexual orientation. And what better show than Doctor Who to treat each and every character as just that - a character. I love Doctor Who.

Let's Kill Hitler

2011-08-27T22:56:00.001+01:00

Okay! Now that I've seen the episode I can comment properly. And oh boy do I have comment! We've all just watched the opener to the Autumn run of Doctor Who Series Six; Let's Kill Hitler and, as far as I can tell, the majority of us loved it! I did. It's amazing. My second favourite story of the Moffat/Smith run.

From the second the Doctor is dragged back into their lives, via a pretty awesome "Crop Circle" method of contact, Amy and Rory's lives are once again thrown upside down. And this time, they have another friend with them in the shape of Mels, who grew up with them.

And "shape" is really the right word to use! After she hi-jacks the TARDIS and forces the Doctor toward Nazi Germany ("You've got a time machine, I've got a gun; let's kill Hitler!") she's hit by a stray bullet and regenerates into River bloody Song! Too fast? Well, a little recap then: Melody Pond, Amy and Rory's daughter, IS River Song as revealed at the end of A Good Man Goes To War. The kid they chased about the warehouse in The Impossible Astronaut - the one who regenerates at the end of Day of the Moon - is also River/Melody. So, at some point a regenerated Melody makes her way to a sleepy little village just outside Gloucestershire and befriends her parents. They grow up together, sharing tales of the Doctor and his wonderful machine.

So, when Amy and Rory get together (he's definitely not gay) and marry, have a "big bang" in the TARDIS on their wedding night and spawn baby Melody, who is whisked off by Kovarian and ends up - somehow - in 1960s USA, we find ourselves back at the start.

Let's Kill Hitler really wasn't about Hitler at all - he spend most of the episode nursing a broken nose in a book cupboard. And quite rightly so! This one was ALL River's. So, Mels regenerates into River and River meets the Doctor for the very first time -and thanks to a brainwashing she's received from the Silence (a religious order, not a race, don't you know?) she's on a mission to kill the Doctor. Which she does. With a kiss. Naughty. And off she trots into 1930s Berlin for a bit of fun and a change of clothes.

On the surface this episode is a romp. It's a big, action-packed, explosive romp. It's very, very funny - it actually has some of the best lines since Moffat took the controls, most of them from Rory - and although it is emotional at times it's handled in such a way as to not be mawkish or OTT.

But under the surface this could be the most important story in the "River Song Saga" - without us even getting a chance to think about it Moffat clears up some of the biggest questions posed this year and last: Who/What are the Silence? Why will they fall? Who is River? How does she meet the Doctor? What sort of weapon does Kovarian want her to be and how will she make her into it? Is River the girl? Will Amy and Rory get to know their daughter as a child or see her grow up? How come River can die in the Library if she's part Time Lord? The list goes on... and the answers are here!

We also get questions raised, though, such as what is the First Question, "hiding in plain sight"? And just WHY does Kovarian want the Doctor dead? These, too - no doubt - will be answered in good time.

Throw in a murderous robot filled with miniature people and a heap of conveniently filed information on this year's story arc, some Nazis and enough nods to River's past/future (depending on which time line we're looking at, her's or the Doctor's) and some "mild peril" for the Doctor and you have one hell of an adventure. LKH ties up the River story well, for now - we have a beginning now, at least. It also throws us all into a brand new run of time travel fun with the best TARDIS team the show has seen since its 2005 return, in my opinion. And, as always, I'm already getting impatient about seeing next week's offering.

All in all Let's Kill Hitler delivers. It fixes the cliffhanger of the last episode, it sets the trail to follow for the Autumn and it brings us one step closer to finding out what really happened at Lake Silencio. Let's Kill Hitler. It. Is. Brilliant! So, Six weeks to go, doesn't seem long does it? It'll soon pass us by. Is it next Saturday yet?

I Like Torchwood Because...

2011-08-21T11:11:00.000+01:00

Yup, I like it. And the reason I like it is because I know what it is. I know what to expect from it. I know what it's all about. Torchwood is, more than anything else, a bit of fluff to lose yourself in for an hour. It's not wonderful, heart-thumping drama, it's not laugh out loud comedy, it's not even all that good, usually. But it is something that could be described as "escapist rubbish" in a good way.

Torchwood: Miracle Day has been on for 6 weeks in the UK now. 7 weeks in the USA (are you still upset about that? Boo hoo!); it's only a ten-part series and it seems that, so far, nothing has really happened.

Episode 7 sheds a little more light on the whole situation regarding "The Miracle" or "The Blessing" as it was called in Italy in the 1990s, according to Winston Zedmore. But nothing really progresses. But still, it feels as though the plot is thundering along - it's not! If I was expecting high drama and a rip-roaringly exciting storyline I'd be sorely disappointed. As it is, expecting snappy if cheesy lines, a bit of bumming and enough action to keep my brain busy for an hour, I seem to have forgiven this unforgivable sin. And so what? If you don't like it, don't watch it. The sensible among you - knowing you don't like it - have already stopped tuning in and I respect that!

There are others out there, however, who are scouring the internet for NEXT WEEK'S episode (airing in the US this week) in order to sneer and criticise. And if that's what you want to do then, sure, do that. I'll do this: turn off my brain, enjoy the explosions, Oswald Danes, Kissinger and Gwen. I'll smile when there's a Doctor Who reference and save my "fanboy" worrying for next Saturday.

I like Torchwood. I always have, I think I always will. And I like it because it's a slice of rubbish that never takes itself too seriously. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Doctor Who Returns

2011-08-20T11:37:00.000+01:00

We've waited long enough, don't you think? We all watched the Doctor tearing away in search of Melody Pond/River Song at the end of 'A Good Man Goes To War' and it's almost time to see where he's ended up. Of course, we all KNOW where he's ended up (or will end up) - in Berlin in 1938.

So, sure. Episode 8 is called 'Let's Kill Hitler' but what else are we to expect in the weeks to come? Well... More River Song, for starters. It seems this is her series. And there are other familiar faces - friendly and not so friendly - popping up along the way, including Craig Owens, Winston Churchill, Young Amelia Pond - together with a Young Rory Williams, Cybermen, Weeping Angels, Silence, our Astronaut buddy, etc. There is even word of an appearance by the Daleks, despite most people's (including the media's) stupid decision to believe Moffat when he said he was resting them.

And then there's the new; creepy toys, murderous robots, killer mythical beasts in cosy-yet-confusing hotels (shifting rooms and endless winding corridors - a labyrinth, if you will). And a brand new coat. There's lots to look forward to - hopefully including a decent and satisfying conclusion to the... um... countless story threads that have all been running since - basically - the start of Series Five. I have enough faith in Steven Moffat and the rest of the production crew to deliver an ending that will not only answer (most of) the questions that are as yet unanswered, but also to ask a couple more to keep us going forward. I think this is a good thing. Others think otherwise. But, whatever happens, Doctor Who is back! And that'll do me!

We have only one week to wait. One week today (and at 7.20pm, thankfully, for all those "boo hoo any time before 7pm will result in ZERO viewers" lot among you) the Doctor gets back in his box and brings us with him on his search for Melody Pond. I've got my torch, I've got my sweets, I've got a map of the universe, I'm ready. Are you?

Let's Kill Hitler! ☨

2011-08-16T18:49:00.001+01:00

Right. Before I begin I must apologise for the lack of detail in this post. Let's Kill Hitler - the opening episode to Doctor Who Series 6, part two - is the sort of episode which would suffer from the reveal of "moments" or "events"... And there are plenty of great "moments" in this one!*

One more thing I can tell you is that this one asks as many questions as it answers*, something that we've come to expect from Mr Moffat's writing. And the story kicks off in amazing style, with Amy and Rory "calling" the Doctor back to Earth to check on the progress he's making (or maybe not making?) in his search for baby Melody (who is, you'll remember, River Song as well as Amy and Rory's daughter). The episode sees the Doctor bumping into Adolf Hitler in 1938 and so begins a rip-roaring adventure full of twists and turns as well as the odd touching moment too*.

I wish I could tell you more but I cannot. I am sorry. But we only have 11 days to wait until the TARDIS crashes into our living rooms once more and you can be sure* that it will be another wonderful six weeks of breathtaking drama, heartbreak and ALIENS! Oh, and we might just find out what that "Astronaut by the lake" stuff was all about...

Doctor Who returns to BBC1 on Saturday 27th August. I'll be watching. You know you will too!

☨ I have not seen this episode.

* ...I should imagine.

SUBMARINE - A Coming Of Age Story Unlike Any Other

2011-08-14T16:25:00.001+01:00

I've just watched Richard Ayoade's directorial début, 'Submarine' - based on Joe Dunthorne's novel. I wanted to see it at the cinema but never got the chance in the end. Now I regret not making time to go. Because 'Submarine' is wonderful on every single level. It is, essentially, a coming of age story set in Swansea, following the life of 15-year-old Oliver Tate as he a) tries to win the heart of his oddball crush Jordana Bevan and b) stop his mother embarking on a passionate affair with her "first love" who has recently become their neighbour.

But 'Submarine' is so much more. It felt different to most films I've ever seen before - there's a style to it that is as much "Cinéma Vérité" as is it "Surrealism". For such a small (in scale, but certainly not in emotive reach) story the whole thing feels so much bigger. I think, mostly, this is because there is not a single performance that misses the mark.

Most of this blog will likely be about the cast, direction and music because, really, it's these things that make the film so utterly enthralling, not the story itself. So let's look first at our point-of-relation: Oliver Tate is played by Being Human's Craig Roberts, a performance that blew me away. His unique way of almost not acting at all - the way he throws lines away, in dialogue, yet paints every line of narration with wit, heart and intelligence (and a little pretension) just grabs you and refuses to let go; a slice of the life of a character you simply cannot help but relate to in a big, big way. Maybe it's because I'm also a bit of a dick when it comes to Who I Really Am, but it felt as though the character spoke just to me. Roberts is amazing. Completely amazing.

Outstanding also is Yasmin Paige's Jordana Bevan; a guarded, odd girl with a skin complaint and a penchant for petty arson and emotional torture. It's a long way from her character in The Sarah Jane Adventures, where the most expected of her was to be a bit of a tomboy while running away from a fella in a green fat-suit.

She is definitely One To Watch - a future superstar for sure. She IS Jordana. Not once did I think "Maria said fuck!" In fact, the characters are so real that not even the sight of "him off Gavin and Stacey" and "her off Gavin and Stacey", or even "him off that thing" could drag me out of my total immersion in the film. Every single performance, ever single bit of casting, every line, action, shot, montage, beat and fade are perfect. The entire picture would be perfect if it was just a little longer - but that's just me being greedy (it's a good 90 minutes long as it is).

There's nothing I can offer to explain why this film is so good or even why I personally enjoyed it so much. I think there's just a feel to it that makes it seem as though the film has its arms wrapped around you. My words as the credits rolled were "that's definitely one for my 'Rainy Afternoon' list". God, I'm making no sense.

Okay. I'll start again and I'll be brief: This is a love story, or sorts, with a real "back the underdog" through-line. It's full of incredible performances, beautiful moments of real emotion and it leaves you with a sort of nice-sad feeling. Like when it rains.

Oh, I give up. It's indescribably beautiful, directed in such a way as to make it feel as though you've just watched a piece of art rather than just another coming of age story. And the score is heartbreaking. Alex Turner (of Arctic Monkeys fame) has created the best fit possible for the film in his music. The OST is currently playing on repeat in my flat and, I should think, will do so for some time. It comes as a package; a brilliant film (the word 'movie' seems crass in this instance) with a perfect cast and an outstanding soundtrack. It really is a film that must be experienced - I would highly recommend you do so.

And I hate this post. It says nothing of the humour (funny), the script (cracking), the locations (gorgeous) or the emotion (massive) which this movie has throughout. It's almost the opposite of a Feel Good Film, although it's not really Sad either. I really can't find words to describe it effectively, so I'll use just one - Lovely.

★★★★★

Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

2011-08-13T17:10:00.003+01:00

It seems you can’t have a ‘Planet of the Apes’ movie without a shed-load of “homage” being paid to the original movie adaptation of the classic sci fi novel of ‘63 by Pierre Boulle (a great read if you haven’t already). And quite right too! From classic lines, to reuse of names, to nods to the “original’s big twist”, ‘Planet of the Apes’ (1968) is a wonderful movie, worthy of constant reference.

And the latest reboot of the ‘Planet of the Apes’ franchise, by Rupert Wyatt is no different. Or rather, it is different. Remember Tim Burton’s car-crash remake a decade ago? No, I know you don’t WANT to remember, but you do, right? Good. Wyatt’s origin story is the antidote to that steaming heap – indeed; it is the only movie worthy of a “Something of the Planet of the Apes” style title since ‘Escape from...’ in 1971. Set in present day San Francisco (or the very, very near future – I’m not sure it is every stated outright) it sees James Franco’s scientist (hero-man) attempting to create a cure for that staple of “Make Animals Smart In The Movies” disease, Alzheimer’s – and then testing it on apes...

Okay, yes. It sounds like the sort of setup we could all knock out in an afternoon (yet, it works well) but stay with me... Inheriting his test-subject-mother’s man-given intelligence, now-orphaned chimpanzee Caesar is smuggled home from the lab (to avoid termination – but careful, spoilers) to live with Franco and his Alzheimer’s suffering dad, played by John Lithgow. And so begins a movie that has more heart and intelligence than all the previous ‘Planet of the Apes’ movies altogether, in my opinion.

The title and the theatrical trailer both go a long way to “spoiling” the plot of the movie and the setting negates the whole “Big Twist” aspect of the ending of the original 68 film but this movie isn’t about one man’s struggle against a race of aggressive, oppressive, planet-stealing primates. Quite the opposite, in fact. Only the coldest hearts among you could cheer on the humans over Caesar (ape-hero) in this film...

Ah, yes. Caesar: an entirely CGI character, brought to life using cutting-edge motion capture technology and “played” with expertly nuanced emotion by the King of Physical Performance, Andy Serkis. We follow him on a journey from confused “pet” to imprisoned animal to leader of the revolution (I don’t think that’s a spoiler. If you didn’t get this much from the trailers then you’re stupid) – and it’s a journey that is not only very enjoyable, emotional and at time frightening, but is taken by the most human character in the whole movie. Ironic, really, when you think he’s an ape (and a computer generated one at that).

This movie will have its critics. There are some clunky lines of dialogue and the “villains” feel as though they were written in minutes. Also, you’ll need to switch your brain off, or force yourself to remember that Caesar has near-human intelligence (I wrote it on my hand in the end: “he’s a clever monkey!”) in order to stop yourself emitting a sceptical “WHAAA?!” at some of the Ape’s more... creative... actions. But overall, this is about as good an origin tale as this franchise could ever have. It’s a nice, clean two-hours with enough action to keep the dads clapping and enough emotion and heart (lots of this, in fact, and never mawkish) to hold someone looking for more than just Man vs. Ape again. Oh, and Draco Malfoy’s in it.

By all accounts, this actually is the beginning of a planned “new run of Ape movies” from Director, Wyatt. And if this one is anything to go by then we really are looking at a genuinely acceptable remake of the series! I trust this man/ I love the originals but I trust him to not piss over them. I trust him to shape them to suite a more cynical audience. I trust him to show progression and development of the Ape characters that was missing entirely in Burton’s 2001 turkey (the big gorilla ape is stupid and superstitious, the “main baddie” is growly and nasty, the others don’t do much at all). I can’t wait for a sequel – something I’ve not felt since The Dark Knight.

The movie is great. It isn’t perfect, but then it’s about Apes taking over the world (or beginning to, anyway), and that’s a plot that needs to be played carefully. It likely won’t win any (major) Oscars, though the Ape Effects are simply breathtaking, so there will be praise for that, no doubt. Overall, it’s a strong, linear story told from the point of view of both man and ape and it does something that many movies of recent years do not: it sets out to be unashamedly brave. There are parts of the movie as long as 40 minutes where you’ll hardly see a human being, where there is hardly a word spoken, though – thanks to unbelievable visual effects and Serkis’ perfect performance – never, ever allows you to get bored or restless.

Seeing ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ excited me so much that I just had to seek out my old Planet of the Apes DVDs and give the old ones another re-watch. For this urging alone the movie is worth seeing. Luckily, it stands up on its own merits, too. And the nerdier among you may be repeating one particular line over and over for a week. I know I have. Watch it and you’ll know exactly which line I mean; and it’s nothing to do with “Damn Dirty Apes”.

★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is in cinemas now!

The next bit is a bit spoilery.

So if you don’t want to know the (sort of) ending of the movie (no specifics), stop reading NOW!

...

So! The Planet of the Apes has risen! The fight begins. Where next? Well, here’s what I want from Apes 2:

Caesar and his small band of super-intelligent apes are living peacefully in the forests they claimed as their home in the end of the first movie; but the humans want revenge over the deaths they conceded in the Battle On The Bridge. So, our now-free and peaceful Apes have to defend themselves using whatever they have – namely spears, stealth and a combination of agile strength and brains. A war begins (only a small one to begin with) while the virus spreads among the humans (decimating their population) and more clever monkeys are born. Seeing that they will have to defend themselves to survive – since the humans will never stop their attacks – they decide that “if it’s a fight they want then it’s a fight they’ll get”. Humanity is stupid and can’t see that their numbers are dropping, because of the virus, and the Apes’ numbers growing, thanks to clever monkeys 'getting it on'... The second movie ends with a small pocket of nasty-bastard humans pitting themselves against, and losing to, an ever-growing army of smart, tactical apes who just want to be left alone. Regrettably, The Battle Begins...

I have a Goldfish

2011-08-11T12:42:00.000+01:00

So, yeah. I thought - since my dog sadly died last weekend - that I'd "scale down" my pet-ambitions somewhat and get myself something to keep me company.

I chose a fish called Phil, who now lives on my table (in a bowl). He's not the friendliest of fish, as you can see, with his miserable face. He doesn't like me very much either, preferring to eat his food when all is quiet than rush to the surface as soon as he's fed.

In fact, whenever I turn my back he seems to be eating, but rushes back to his castle when I get close. Maybe he's had a "difficult past" in his homeland of Singapore. Whatever the reason, he's characteristically grumpy and his "fish face" scowl is comical. I thought I'd share him with you, anyway. Everyone, this is Phil. Phil, this is everyone! :)

Rango Is Awesome

2011-08-03T19:08:00.000+01:00

I didn't fancy Rango when it hit cinemas. I'm not one for CGI animated features usually, they're all a bit samey. The Toy Story movies are okay, but once you've noticed how sickly sentimental they are they become annoying. Same with movies like Wall-E... Animated movies tend to be kids films with adult bits. Rango is different. Rango, in my opinion, is a movie made for adults that kids can also enjoy. It's basically what I've been waiting for. A clever, self-aware underdog story with enough 'wit' to keep the 'heart' quiet.

There are so many little things I want to mention, things that made me laugh out loud (something I rarely ever do, let alone at an animated feature) but first I suppose I should give a bit of an outline...

The animation style is clever; it makes you forget you're watching a "cartoon" at all. Maybe it's the sheer believability of the characters (despite being Western stereotypes at base) that slip the fact that this isn't real past you in a cloud of laughter and dust.

The character acting in this is amazing. Johnny Depp is perfect as the wannabe someone Rango, a domestic pet Chameleon lost in the dry desert and thrown into a situation he simply isn't prepared for. Isla Fisher voices eccentric love interest Beans, another lizard whose father definitely didn't fall down a mine shaft while drunk. But it's some of the other, less prominent characters that shine out among the cacti. The Native American Crow is amazing and Abigail Breslin's "Priscilla" is adorable and straight out of True Grit.

As well as a nice little plot (there's increasingly less water in the desert, whatever shall we do?) - which involved Wild West staples such as gunfights, bank robberies and corrupt town officials, the long list of believable and lovable characters and the always cheeky and boundary-pushing jokes that will have adults chuckling and kids putting their hands over their mouths in shock, there are some wonderful nods to other western movies (and one perfect moment that will have Depp fans giggling, a short crossover between this movie and Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas) that are just waiting for you to find!

There's a killer cast (Bill Nighy's Rattlesnake Jake is horrible fun), including Ray Winstone, Alfred Molina, Harry Dean Stanton, Ned Beatty and a haunting cameo by Deadwood star Timothy Olyphant. Not a single voice sounds miscast or out of place. And the music is infectious! All in all, there's very little I have to say about this movie that is in any way negative. I loved it. Simple as that.

I watched this late at night while tired. I laughed throughout. I watched it again this afternoon and laughed again. I think I'll watch it for a third time in a little while. There's bugger all on telly and even if there was, this would probably still be better. I said on Twitter last night that this was the best animated feature I'd seen in a decade. That may be my enthusiasm running away with me, but even now I can't think of a contender to the title. It's not perfect, but it's lovely. It's honest, clever, cheeky and never, ever takes itself too seriously. You won't cry in the end of this one, like in Toy Story 3, but then I sometimes want to leave the theatre smiling. I wish I'd seen this in the cinema as that's exactly what I would have done.

★★★★☆

Good Cap, Bad Cap?

2011-08-02T13:47:00.001+01:00

Last night I watched Captain America: The First Avenger. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't quite this. I knew I'd enjoy the movie, even if it was shit, but I didn't think it would grab me in such a way as it did!

I read Cap for years and I've learned to get past the cheesiness of his character - All-American, Super-Duper-Soldier with a Heart of Gold and a Shield of Vibranium. I was happy to see the movie allow enough tongue-in-cheek wartime pomp for us to see that the characters take themselves less seriously than we take them. A musical interlude (sort of) is one of the highlights of the movie, when Cap is promoting War Bonds. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

...Where does it all begin? Well... There are some blokes pulling Cap's shield out of the ice, then we're in the 40s and Steve Rogers is an enthusiastic weed with no hope of joining the army on account of his asthma and other ailments. But during a visit to an exhibition by genius Howard Stark (Iron Man's daddy, played brilliantly by Mamma Mia's Dominic Cooper) he gets recruited by the good guys to enter into a Super Soldier program and get all muscly and cool.

So Cap is born! I'm not going into the plot details; it's a genesis story and a pretty good one, actually. It's also very much Act One of a much larger story. If you're a Marvel fan you'll know where this is all heading. If you're not, you won't care.

All your favourite Cap characters are there; shining are the aforementioned Howard Stark, Hayley Atwell as kick-ass love interest and all-round plum-voiced-sauce-pot Peggy Carter and Doctor Who's very own Dream Lord Toby Jones as Dr Arnim Zola, a Nazi biochemist. There's also "Cinema's Mr Bad" Hugo Weaving as the bit-too-cartoon-like villain, The Red Skull himself, Johann Schmidt. The movie is packed with some pretty great action sequences and, although it's thin on ACTUAL plot of any substance (it's very much Goodies vs Baddies), it's a very enjoyable script too; there are some really great moments that made me laugh out loud.

But what's best about this movie is how fresh it all feels. We're used to getting comic book movie after comic book movie recently - leading up to you know what - but this one feels different. It's set in the 40s, it's got a weedy main character (under all that muscle) and it's "where it'll all begin". Captain America really is the First Avenger. Sure, Iron Man has all the hi-tech stuff but Cap has a tough shield and determination (and super strength, sort of...). What impressed me most was how well the basis of the character transferred to the big screen. And the casting is perfect. Chris Evans (not that one) is perfect as Steve Rogers and although he is underused (in my opinion) Neal McDonough is amazing as Dum Dum Dugan.

Okay. It's probably not going to win any Oscars, but Captain America: The First Avenger is a lot of fun. If you don't mind your fun with Uncle Sam's fist up your arse, that is... It's VERY American. Even the scenes set in London seem to be set in America really. It's a bit "Yeehaaawww!" sometimes, but that's okay! It's an American character with "America" in his name. THE American superhero. My favourite superhero. And a bloody good effort at making one of my favourite superhero movies. I can't wait to see all our guys together on-screen; I've not seen Thor yet, so I might have a look at that later on. Somehow. If you like your films loud and shooty then this is definitely the one for you. A great, great effort. Lots of fun!

Bish - My Executive Summary

2011-07-22T18:36:00.001+01:00

So, Steven Moffat's second season (well, half a season) has come and gone. My executive summary, for those that are too busy to read on, is that it's really not that easy to sustain a whole season, or even half of one, unless you write everything yourself! That said, I'll try to explain.

Steven Moffat's a great writer. He's clever, witty, techy and surprising. He's also very different to the previous Head Writer, Russell T Davies. But more about that later... In this season, in particular, and to a lesser extent in the previous season, Moffat's episodes have outshone all others. I know that Neil Gaiman's episode was praised, and although that style of story isn't to my liking, it was a stand-out episode among the non-Moffat episodes. Just like the Richard Curtis episode from the previous series was.

I tend not to watch episodes more than once. I remember watching “The Impossible Astronaut” and feeling quite deflated afterwards. I'd read too much about the episode, and elevated my expectations far too highly from reading all the gushing reviews and tweets from those who had been to the advance screening. However, I watched it again the following day, and it was so much better! I've learnt my lesson. But moving back to season two in general, the acting has really been top notch. Matt Smith, in the title role, continues to impress. And both Karen Gillan's and Arthur Darvill's characters have improved. And Alex Kingston is just as brilliant now as she was when she first appeared.

Generally, though, probably the one thing that's missing for me is the link to Earth. I know we saw Utah in the season opener, but I mean ordinary, council estate or village, type Earth. It makes the the fantastic all that more fantastic when it's contrasted with the normal and mundane. Like when Rose rang her leggings-wearing, kitchen-bound, washing machine-loading mother from a billion years in the future while watching the death of the Earth!

Having said that, however, Davies' series arcs were fairly simple. His episodes were fast and furious. I like Moffat's more involved arcs, and the way they flow. I love River Song's time line slowly unfolding. I had been worried that it was just going to run and run, but it looks as though the pay-off is coming. But there's one element common to both the Davies and Moffat eras that does grate. Davies tried to make the Doctor into a god-like figure. And Moffat seems to be trying to turn him into a warrior to be feared. He's neither. Feared, maybe, because he's clever and can go to any where and to any time. But he's neither a god nor a warrior.

So, in conclusion, the Moffat episodes were by far the best. Both the season opener and mid season finalé were great. I miss Rose and her mum. But I don't miss David Tennant. Oh, and I want Moffat and Davies to co-write an episode. Together. That would be awesome!

Harry Potter and the End Of An Era

2011-07-17T17:28:00.000+01:00

I was late to the Potter Party. I was given Goblet Of Fire as a Christmas present by my Mother on its release. I'd heard about Harry Potter, of course, but had never taken the plunge to actually look into whether it was any good. I had been told that, even though the books followed on from each other, you could hop onto the story with any of the four books that were in print, since each followed a different main story.

So I read Goblet Of Fire are loved it. It was something a bit different, I thought. It's about magic and adventure, but there's something almost old-fashioned about it all. All the characters had old-people's names - I'd never known a Ron younger than 60 - and even the nasty, spiteful school children seemed to have pretty good manners. It wasn't particularly well written; there were so many cheesy lines that could only have been written by a non-male, non-child, non-wizard... But I liked it! I wanted to know more about these characters. So I tracked down a boxed set of the first four books (giving me two copies of Goblet Of Fire) and set about catching up.

I didn't really enjoy the first two books. The stories were thin, despite painting a lovely picture of the world in which these characters lived. They were clearly children's books - the size of the fourth volume had led me to believe they were a bit more meaty than the usual fare kids get written for them - Philosopher's Stone and Chamber Of Secrets were a bit "adventure by numbers". But in context, they were great little scene-setters. And I was 14 - in my mind I was a fully fleshed out adult! I read both in about three hours.

Then I got distracted. I left Prisoner Of Azkaban aside and went back to my comic books (okay, ALMOST a fully fleshed out adult). It was only when I started hearing whispers among my friends of how brilliant the new Harry Potter book was, but it was a shame there wasn't more "Serious Black" in it (I didn't know what that meant immediately) that I realised I was missing the third chunk of story! So I began reading Prisoner Of Azkaban on my way to school one morning. By the time I went to school the next day I had finished it - I was ready to join in and talk about SIRIUS (not Serious) Black and how amazing he was too. I was hooked. These were kids books yet other people my age (and older) were in love with them! These were awesome kids books that even a mature and sensible fourteen year old like me could read! WITHOUT being laughed at!

Three years later, the sixth-former Me was an expert on all things Potter. You ask me something about it and I'd give you a wordy and detailed answer, followed by a smug smile. I'd forgotten all about how rubbish the first two were - I was a Harry Potter fan. I would remain so. I would read those first four books to death.

When Order Of The Phoenix was published in 2003 I dived in. I sat in my sixth-form common room, skipping lessons all over the shop, reading and reading and reading. My first observation was "Harry Potter is suddenly as arsey and stroppy as me" and I felt closer to him than ever before. I was - really - too old for these books. I didn't care; "books are for everyone", right? Around about the time I first got hooked on Potter, Warner Bros released a movie version of the first book. I watched it (after reading the book, obviously) and liked it, but it wasn't exactly how I'd imagined the world to look. A second movie followed, again, not quite right for me. But I stuck with the series - both in book and movie form - I was a fan after all! I finished Order Of The Phoenix in a week. It was, I thought then, one of the best books I'd ever read. This wasn't true, of course. It was still only "fairly well written"...

But the magic these books hold isn't anything to do with how well written they are. It's all about how YOU imagine this world. Some argue that the books are very well written. You're entitled to your opinion by all means, but I've read books written so much better than these. However, I have never read a book that gave me characters I later came to think of as friends.

I must be the only person to have bought The Deathly Hallows while intoxicated, taken it to a club where an engagement party was being held, read it under the disco lights from cover to cover and remembered none of it come the following morning - so had to start over again. I bought two copies of Half Blood Prince and to this day I don't know why. The Half Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows are, unquestionably, the best books in the series. The best written, too. I fell in love with the characters from all seven books and it's a love that has lasted all these years. It's difficult to believe that these characters have been in our lives for almost 15 years! That's over half my lifetime! Okay, I haven't had them in MY lifetime that long, but it's not far off. And even though the series is now over, movies finished, books closed, these characters remain a part of our lives. I've heard people talking about having to say goodbye to Harry, Ron, Hermione... There's no need to!

I can't be the only one who has been moved to re-read the entire book series, re-watch the movies all over again, now that I know they're all I will have? I thought, at one point, that these were just okay-written kids books that I was reading because others seemed to like them. How wrong was I? These books are a huge part of my teenage years. I wish I had discovered the books immediately and read them in order on release.

The books remain vastly superior to the movies but the movies have their own charm. They brought Harry Potter to those who couldn't or wouldn't read the novels. Harry Potter is now one of the world's most successful brands. What began as an idea on a train turned into the world's most loved phenomenon. I was a part of that - just a small part. One tiny mind being filled with magic and muggles, danger and fun. I'm proud to be able to say "I remember when Harry Potter started". I'm proud to be able to say "I read all the books, saw all the films". And I'm proud to say that, one day, I'll read them all over again to my own children. And they'll love them too. Because it's very difficult not to, even though, quite honestly, they are just okay-written kids books. I'm on Goblet Of Fire again now. That's where it all started for me. I'm loving every page just as I did the first time I read it. And the second time. And the third, fourth, fifth...

The News Of The World Is No More

2011-07-12T09:52:00.000+01:00

So that's that! No more News Of The World! And I don't think I'm alone in my relief and happiness. Allegations of phone hacking, including the phones of murdered children, terrorism victims and the royal family, have been all the news there is for the last two weeks. And I don't think the story is going anywhere any time soon. In fact, I believe there is a lot more to come out about all this. More and more information is seeping out by the hour - now there are potentially thousands of people who may have been hacked including the Queen and former PM Gordon Brown.

And it's no longer isolated to the journalists at News Of The World anymore. Now the Times and the Sun, both Murdoch papers, are known to have "blagged" and hacked their way to exclusives as long ago as three years back. It's a sad time for the British press. But it could also be a great time. This scandal has shaken the inevitability of a Murdoch takeover at BSkyB - the whole sordid affair has now been referred to the Competitions Commission - so maybe there could be a silver lining after all. But who knows. There's a lot more to know before this "settles down" at all. I am, once again, glued to rolling news channels. Watch this space.

How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran

2011-07-02T01:01:00.003+01:00

After so much discussion on Twitter about Times columnist and all-round saucy-cool-chick Caitlin Moran's book "How To Be A Woman" I decided today, at 3.15pm, to pop quickly into town and purchase it for myself. I didn't want a wasted journey so I called ahead and asked WHSmith if they had it in stock. "We have, but it's selling out quickly. Do you want me to keep you a copy?" Of course I did. So off I went with £11.99 in my arse pocket and an expectant grin on my chops.

When I got to WHSmith, after an arduous bus journey, that seemed to consist of attempting to ignore vomiting children and abusive drivers, I found that my copy was not being kept as promised. The swine. So, I ventured to the shelves in search of what I wanted. I found it - and three other copies; yes, only four in the whole shop! - and rushed to the tills. They were closing at 5:30pm and I wanted to get that 5:40pm bus home.

So, I paid - a very reasonable £6.99, a very pleasant surprise -and left the shop with almost half an hour to spare before my bus. "Never mind," I thought, "I'll pop to Gregg's the Bakers and get me a pasty, then read my book by the war memorial for a bit before the bus comes..." - this I did. Within the first five pages (the bear minimum I'd usually read in-store before purchase, to 'test the waters' before I committed myself to another week without bread and milk; a practice I had abandoned on pure faith in the author in this case) I found myself laughing out loud. Actually LOLing. I thought, "this isn't really a book meant for me, I don't think. I'm a 25 year old man" before I made a decision to give it a go anyway, but it caught me immediately and I was drawing troubled glances from the Christians outside the God Shop thanks to my chuckles. How wrong I was in my original judgement. I missed my bus because I was lost in this delightful piece of genius. I caught the 6:05pm, for those worrying. This book should, in all seriousness, be read by everyone.

'How To Be A Woman' is wonderful. Part memoir, part feminist deconstruction of life, it manages to be informative and interesting - even thought-provoking - without once being preachy or pompous. And, most of all, it's fucking funny. As a man - and a fairly ignorant man, it would now seem - I have little or no personal experience of buying bras, getting my first period and organising a wonderful wedding. I didn't think they were things I'd ever really have wanted to know about, since I am - as it turns out - totally the opposite of knowledgeable when it comes to women and their "stuff". I know. I sound like a pig. I am aware!

But this book opened a window for me to gaze blinkingly into the inner-workings of the better sex. All women should read this book, if only to measure where they stand in terms of their views on feminism. Caitlin's almost-hero-worship of Germain Greer doesn't stop them disagreeing on numerous feminist issues (I hate the way I'm phrasing this, I blame Caitlin). All men should read it because it really will help you understand the women you love, and those you don't.

She discusses porn, pubes, periods, work, shoes and bags, family, dogs and wanking all with such a frank and forthcoming honesty and realism that you cannot help but go along with her on her little journey through her past, and love every second. The book held me like a comforting Granddad, but one who would whisper rude jokes to me when my Mother was out of earshot. I found myself turning the pages, laughing like a loon, then turning back as I realised that the last four sentences were actually blurred beyond visibility thanks to the tears in my eyes. I started reading, as you have learned above, at 5:15pm-ish. I will finish this book this evening. I've struggled to put it down. I have so much to do before tomorrow afternoon and have done none of it - again, I blame Caitlin.

Honestly. If you've never read anything Caitlin Moran has written before then make 'How To Be A Woman' your jumping-on point. If you're familiar with her work then you should already have this book in your home. I don't think I've thundered through (what is, at its bones) an opinionated autobiography with such hunger in all my years as a bookworm. And that's a long time! Without question the most enjoyable read I've buried myself in in years. Outstanding stuff. And meaningful. I learned a lot!

ADDITIONAL: It's 3:12am and I've just finished the book. Sigh. I think I'll start reading it again in the morning. Without a doubt the best non-fiction book I've read in years. Perfect, essential reading for everyone.

Stewart Lee: Not On Twitter

2011-06-28T10:53:00.002+01:00

The following appeared in my email inbox today, from the REAL Stewart Lee's Mailing List, regarding the impostor @StewLee on Twitter. It made me chuckle heartily:

A cunt is pretending to be me on Twitter, which is annoying.

It is not possible for me to stop this cunt without joining Twitter, which I will not do.

The cunt is using a picture that is mine as his Avatar.

It would be good if this cunt would stop pretending to be me before he creates problems.

I will never appear on Twitter. I will also never pretend to appear on Twitter.

The fact that a cunt can do this is partly why. I will not be held hostage by you people.

Torchwood: Miracle Day - July 14th - Oh, Boo Fucking Hoo!

2011-06-27T18:08:00.000+01:00

So Torchwood: Miracle Day is being shown almost a week later in the UK than it is in the USA. And some people are not happy about this. But does it really matter? The answer is: no. This is exactly the same thing British fans tell the American fans on Gallifrey Base when they complain about having to wait for Doctor Who. Torchwood is now, more or less, an American show. Since it's being co-produced by the BBC with US network Starz (no prizes for guessing where the biggest chunk of the budget comes from then, eh?) then the notion of it being a British show - made in Wales - is gone. We might not like it, but it's not the schedulers' fault in this instance! RTD took his show to America and we all have to get over that. It's hardly the end of the world.

Just like the fuss about the scheduling of Doctor Who in 2012 (if you missed that, then well done you) I have very strong views on where I stand. It's only a TV show! It hardly matters. Worried about spoilers? Do what you tell the Americans to do every week when Doctor Who airs: Go offline for a while, if you're that serious about it. I suppose we'll see how many people care enough to stay away from spoilers (my guess: not many). What's that? It started in the UK so it should air here first? That's rubbish. What about most other American shows that we have to wait for? What about the US shows we had to wait almost half a year for in the past, with no complaints because that's how it is?

Some people have ideas of ownership and entitlement far above their station when it comes to these shows. It's disappointing and a little bit scary. Being a Doctor Who/Torchwood fan is the closest I've ever come to being a member of a full-blown cult. And I'm not sure I like it so much anymore. Drink your poison (or splash it all over Twitter) and I'll watch Torchwood on the 14th of July with a nice cup of tea. Thanks for reading.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars is Pretty Fucking Awesome!

2011-06-24T16:48:00.000+01:00

I know! Once again I'm late to the party (about 3 series too late) but I am catching up with the CGI series "Star Wars: The Clone Wars" rapidly. I had a wave of Star Wars love last weekend and found myself obtaining copies of Episodes I - III - which, I don't mind saying, are NOWHERE NEAR as bad as I remembered them. Okay, they're not a patch on the original trilogy but they're great little films! But most of my spare time this week has been spent watching The Clone Wars.

I think what I love best about this series is that it offers a whole new look at the Star Wars universe. With new characters (most notably, disobedient and reckless padwan to Anakin Skywalker, Ahsoka "Snips" Tano, clearly the best cartoon character ever - though I may be speaking more enthusiam than fact) and some lovely nods to events we know about from the movies, The Clone Wars is more than just a spin-off cartoon series aimed at kiddies.

True, they are very heavy on morality tales and some episodes leave you feeling like you've just seen Aesop's Fables updated for the future. But there's nothing wrong with slipping some advice into the kids' droid-chopping adventure, right? Especially when that kids' show translates so well to an audience of adult, geeky Star Wars fans... Like me. I began with the 2008 feature length movie, as you should, and I'm currently about half-way through the second series and loving almost every episode. The CGI is perfect for the style, the story lines are often thin, but fleshed out with some excellent movie-worthy action set-pieces and the music is top-class!

The series - overall - is thrilling, funny and heartfelt. It's TOTALLY Star Wars (you can feel Lucas' hand in it, without a doubt) and each episode it short enough, at 22 minutes, to throw on when you have a few minutes to kill before you do your next important thing. Trouble is, if you're anything like me, you'll forget all about that thing and just carry on watching. 37 episodes in 48 hours doesn't sound much, but it is! My eyes are Anakin-shaped right now...

...but it's worth it!

Pottermore? Nope.

2011-06-23T12:31:00.003+01:00

Okay, it was never going to be more adventures featuring Harry and his friends but I'm sure most of us had higher expectations of J.K. Rowling's latest publicity atrocity "Pottermore.com". We have spent ages waiting, refreshing and wondering what the site could be about. Some wanted more stories - that was never going to happen. Some wanted reference books or an extensive online Potter encyclopaedia - what would have been lovely, especially since it would be 100% official. Others had other ideas; there was speculation among millions of fans online as to what this could all be about.

Then today at 12pm the "announcement" was made on the site - a unique "reading experience" - the same stories but with extra bits, "Namely, YOU". So although details are still sketchy as to what we're actually getting, it seems this is a cross between a fan-forum and a glorified online book group. What a bloody let down. It sounds as though it'll be a bit like a "read along and gather points as you do" type game. Whether the texts will be available online in their complete form or whether new fans will be expected to buy the books (which you should all do) is another question yet to be answered in full. Likewise, whether there'll be a registration cost (unlikely, that'd be a bit too cheeky) is another question. I would also love to know if there's a point to this? I mean, I've read all of the books countless times. I've enjoyed them every time. If I want to read again I'll just pick up the book. The whole thing smells of "flogging a still living, but dying slowly horse" - "what else can we do with the limited material available".

How about this J.K.? Write a NEW book. Write some new stories not about Potter. Let him get on with his lives and stop trying to dilute the magic. The books will be classics forever now, isn't that enough? What you're doing here is a) dragging kids online (never a good thing) b) providing an "official" forum for fans - thus taking away custom from some of the wonderful unofficial forums out there and c) GIVING US THE SAME STORIES, REPACKAGED!! I'm almost as disappointed as the time I bought The Tales Of Beedle The Bard and it was simply a shit cash-in (albeit for charity) as opposed to the Tome you describe in the HP books! I am disappointed Rowling. Very much so.

Keep Your Eye On Him!

2011-06-15T14:37:00.001+01:00

Paul McGann plays Mark North in Luther. Long-suffering lover of Luther's late ex-wife Zoe. He's been through a lot and is, basically, the reason Ian Reed was shot by Alice Morgan at the end of series one.

But I think we should be keeping an eye on him. I think he's our baddie! Here's why I think so: In series one, episode one, when Luther is still in the hospital getting a visit from Ian, they play chess. They are clearly good friends. As you know, Ian turns out to be the series' "Big Bad" when he kills Luther's wife and frames him for her murder. In the hospital in S1E1, when they play chess, Luther plays white and Ian plays black. It was right there to see all along, right from the beginning - good vs evil. Nobody seems to have noticed this! Now, everything in this post is speculation. I don't have spoilers for this show at all. I don't know for sure if the following will turn out to be true... But...

In the scene in series two, episode one, when Luther and Mark North play chess in the diner, Luther again plays white and Mark North plays black. It's enough for me to want to keep an eye on him. Watch him. I wouldn't be surprised at all if this our villain.

My Take On The Doctor Who Scheduling News

2011-06-15T13:07:00.000+01:00

The recent news that "there will not be a full series shown in 2012" has prompted the most doom-laden reaction from fans online. I'm thinking positively about this news and hey, if I'm wrong, it hardly matters - it's only a tv show.

So on Twitter earlier, in a series of open tweets, I set out what I THINK may be happening. It doesn't matter if you don't agree. I'm writing this primarily for myself, so I have a link to pass out to those who enter into a never-ending debate over this with me - a debate I don't want to take part in anymore. My timeline is full of "Doctor Who Is Finished!!" type negativity and it's now boring. So, in response to ALL who want to discuss it, this is all I have to say:

The following was posted on Twitter by me on 15 June:

@gabundy: The way I see it, #doctorwho series 6 was split, shown in Spring and Autumn. So it would finish around November 2011...

It would make sense, then, for the normal wait of a tv year to happen between the end of S6 and the beginning of S7...

Which would see S7 starting in Nov(ish) 2012. Not long enough to squeeze a whole series in before the end of the year...

So those 14 eps (with a Xmas Special in the MIDDLE of the run) would hang over into 2013. Which is what we've been told...

That doesn't mean we have a shortened run at all! Simply a later series, not even later if think in terms of "time between series"...

Which would then mean, if S7 were to end early 2013, and the 50th Anniversary in in NOV 2013, then there would be a SHORTER wait for any planned "specials" to celebrate that, or even (as I suspect) another full series. I don't see what all the fuss is about. x

If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. But until we know for sure, that's my position. Now can we talk about something else please? This is getting really dull.

Luther Punches His Way Back Onto Your TV Screen Tonight!

2011-06-14T14:40:00.000+01:00

When we last saw John Luther he had been framed by his partner, Ian Reid, for the murder of his ex-wife Zoe. He had tracked Ian down and cornered him, with the help of Zoe's new lover Mark and John's loyal stalker Alice, to a railway station. He had been stabbed by Ian. Alice had shot Ian - after a 2:1 vote against letting him face the consequences of his actions in court - and the police were closing in.

It seems forever ago that we last saw the perfect pairing of John Luther and Justin Ripley tracking down the bad guys; since we saw Ian Reid weasel his way out of another nasty scrape (no more!); since we watched the only person who seems to have John under control - DSU Rose Teller - snappily talk John out of yet another bad choice. But it hardly matters, because tonight at 9pm on BBC One, Luther returns for a slightly tweaked second series. A shortened run of just four episodes begins tonight and sees Luther investigating a murder case with disturbing details. The murderer wears a Mr Punch mask and is violent as hell! But it's a case of "back to work" for Luther, still mourning Zoe's death and now working on a new team under the leadership of DCI Schenk - the good guy nobody really wants to like.

Also returning - because it wouldn't be Luther without her - is sociopath stalker/murder/saucepot Alice Morgan, who committed the perfect murder back in Series One Episode One, and became something of an unlikely ally throughout the first series. How and why she turns up again is anyone's guess - since this is something of a low-profile BBC series there tends not to be quite so many spoilers available before transmission. And with this series I'm glad. It looks as though we'll be given two big two-part stories, but what those stories are about is anyone's guess. Expect gruesome murders, snappy dialogue, a moody atmosphere and more unconventional policing from everyone's favourite nasty bastard with a heart of gold.

And if you've never seen Luther before, then maybe it's time to start watching? Series One was mostly stand-alone stories - you should be able to pick up the basics as you go along. It's more than worth a look.

Guest Post By James: “You know... This isn’t nearly as bad as it looks...”

2011-06-11T18:14:00.001+01:00

...The Doctor’s first line as we go crashing through the time vortex and into an epic opener for the first part of this sixth series.

We’ve seen epic before with recent Doctor Who. There’s been all those finales, two-parters and specials. But nothing cinematically seemed to capture the essence of ‘epic’ properly, really. Not until last year’s ‘The Eleventh Hour’ series opener and introduction of Matt Smith in the title role and Steven Moffat as showrunner. That, for me, is when Doctor Who, production-wise, stepped up a gear. Well, for a short time at least. Not many episodes of the remainder of the fifth series lived up to that introduction, despite some really good efforts.

So, the sixth series opener had a lot to live up to. How can you raise the bar from such a brilliant story as that initial meeting with the young Amelia Pond and the almost perfect, well... everything. How, indeed? Of course, the answer is easy if you know how. Rake in some extra budget, move some production to the ‘make everything bigger!’ US, write a two-parter worthy of The X-Files at it’s height and throw in the establishment of a superb series arc whilst blending in some ongoing arcs from as far as four years ago.

Admit it, after the first ten minutes of ‘The Impossible Astronaut’ your mouth was firmly wedged into the ‘open and stunned’ position whilst you were rendered completely speechless. The Doctor is dead - really dead - and his gathered companions were left with the emotionally arduous task of providing the protagonist with a, somehow very fitting, norse-like funeral - burning his timelord body upon a boat.

Of course, Who being Who - sci-fi being sci-fi - time travel being, er..., wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey-bumpy-wumpy stuff - etc, etc, Matt Smith gets his second big entrance of the series as a younger Doctor than the one that was killed and we’re back in the game. Before long this excellent production has us in the White House’s Oval Office, complete with President Nixon, and Smith gets the chance to shine in the comedy part of his portrayal of everyone’s favourite ‘mad-man with a box’.

The only thing that overshadows that Matt Smith performance here is the introduction of yet another superb Moffat-Monster - The Silence. Menacingly tall and scary-looking monsters with the ability to cause amnesia about their very existence as soon as you look away from them. Stick these guys in a stare-out contest with the Weeping Angels and you’ve got one hell of a battle on your hands! Moffat certainly knows that the best monsters are those with the ability to scare even your own imagination with their abilities and he seriously wins with these guys, who are just so fitting for this particular story and setting.

Without going too far into individual stories the second part of the adventure continues in the basic theme of the first, with our heroes trying everything they can to remember - and to defeat - their newfound foes. It’s an enjoyable romp and eventually The Doctor, of course, wins the day and we can all go on happy and safe in the knowledge that our adventurers can continue adventuring through space and time for the rest of th.... WHHHHAAAA!! Hang on... There’s a very, very unexpected ‘game-changing’ epilogue right at the end of the episode involving a seemingly innocent young girl from within the story starting the timelord regeneration process. All at once, fandom literally exploded. Across the world there were reports of the deafening sound of furious tapping as Whovians started their musings and ponderings about the little girl on internet forums and social networks. Who is she? How is she regenerating? What does this mean? Where do we go from here?

Just where did we go from here? Well, obviously, the little girl wasn’t going to be tied up just yet - we have a whole series to get through. Well, half a series for now, thanks to the American style mid-season break this time around. And yes, the rest of the [first part of the] series shaped up much like others before it. Mostly self-contained stories with little glances towards an overriding arc. One good episode followed by one that is a little more, well, forgettable, followed by another good one, and so on... But this is part of the charm of our Doctor Who and for all the attempts of Americanising, this is why Who will remain staunchly British. God knows that if Doctor Who had originally been made in the states it would have been cancelled before you could utter the words “reverse the polarity of the neutron flow”, like all good sci-fi shows seem to be over the pond.

Episode three, ‘The Curse of the Black Spot’ was one of the more forgettable ones of this series, as Doctor Who went all Pirates of the Carribean (which in itself has been terrible since the excellent first film), whilst the first part of ‘The Rebel Flesh’/‘The Almost People’ left me so disappointed it instantly went into my ‘least favourite episodes’ list since the return of the show in 2005. That was made up for in the second part (‘The Almost People’) though as the pace was dramatically upped and we got a well played double-dose of mad Doctorness, complete with a few classic series references thrown in for good measure and a peach of a cliffhanger lead-in to the mid-season finale.

The series highlight, for me, was legendary writer Neil Gaiman’s first (hopefully of many) episode ‘The Doctor’s Wife’. A beautifully told story of the sexy TARDIS personified. It’s rare to get an accomplished writer who completely and totally appreciates the kind of story a fan will absolutely love, whilst not going all-out fanboyish. Gaiman’s comic-book roots come spilling out of the screen in abundance and we were treated to the best tragic love-story of Nu-Who since 2006’s ‘The Girl in the Fireplace’. The best part? When ‘sexy’ reveals that she stole The Doctor rather than that belief all along that he stole the TARDIS all on his own all those years ago. Pure fanwankery.

The mid-season finale again upped the tempo and once again we’re reminded that The Doctor is not to be messed with. This time he shows that a lot of the universe owes him as he raises an army from many people he has himself assisted in the past. We have pirates, Sontarans, Silurians and even Danny Boy and his spitfire from last series, plus more. Remember though, you should never, ever underestimate The Doctor. Unfortunately for our time-travelling hero, this time he actually hasn’t been - and he’s fooled twice as the main enemies (including an over-arcing eyepatch lady who has cropped up around the series so far) could be flying off towards Magrathea on the Heart of Gold spaceship for all he knows... They’ve also kidnapped Amy’s baby, who it is revealed is actually the baby River Song (and therefore also the young girl in that second-episode epilogue, who in turn appears to have gained some timelord-type DNA from being conceived within the TARDIS inside the time vortex - confusing much?), in the process to use as a weapon against The Doctor.

All that in mind, there are a lot of things we still don’t know yet, questions still to be asked and answers still to be given - and things aren’t looking too rosy for The Doctor and our friends right now. But, as the Doctor said right at the start - “You know... This isn’t nearly as bad as it looks...”.

James.

(Follow James on Twitter here)

CHARLIE BROOKER INSULTS YOU INTO SAVING LIVES!

2011-06-09T16:44:00.002+01:00

He's not the most likely charity appeal front-man, but journalist and Hero Of Mine (he'd hate that) Charlie Brooker NEEDS YOU [pointy finger]!

Inspired by the story of "Alice's Bucket List" - which has taken the internet by storm in a heart-warming show of support for the 15 year old cancer sufferer - the misanthropic scribbler has seemingly had a change of heart when it comes to his views on our doomed and pathetic species. The video below was posted by Charlie on his Twitter feed earlier this afternoon and in it he urges young people (particularly young men) to sign up to become bone marrow donors with Anthony Nolan, a donor register that are urgently looking for men aged 18 - 30 in particular.

Charlie makes a bloody good case, too. He makes a far more successful appeal than I ever could. Take a look at this - then register:

OMFG!!!!111 DOCTOR WHO IS DOOMED!!!!!111

2011-06-07T17:40:00.003+01:00

So that's it folks! If you believe the press then our favourite show is no more. Yes, according to the Daily Bullshit, all the cast and crew of Doctor Who have died in a fire caused by Steven Moffat's inability to control budget and keep his staff happy. The BBC have said, secretly, using unnamed sources who are leaking this info to fan-sites and some other well-known Doctor Who-hating publications, that it now won't touch the series with a shitty stick. And you all believe it. The internet has exploded. Yes, I'm being flippant, yes I'm making this opening paragraph up. But it may as well be what's happening for all the sense anyone seems to be making over this "announcement"!

Here are the pieces that have come together, through the spiteful speculation of many, to create the usual "Doctor Who is in trouble" nonsense. It may all turn out to be true, but let's look at it sensibly for a second.

Firstly, Arthur Darvill and Karen Gillan seem to be committed to other projects for the foreseeable future... Clearly this means that they are no longer requires as the show is no more. OR. Maybe it means, since their characters have had a pretty good shot at being companions now (no new-Who companion has lasted more than two series remember) and have done very well in doing so, that Amy and Rory are to leave the TARDIS at the end of series six. Which is more likely? They've been married, had a child, lost a child, died, been revived, lose the Universe, found it again... Honestly, is it not time for them to go now anyway? I mean, I know we like them - but seriously. Let's look at it in a positive light? New companions!!! Maybe!!! Probably!!!

Next up: Matt Smith is going to LA to look for work! OOOOH!!! That must mean that he's been sacked, since the show is no more!!! OR. If you read the interview in The Mirror where he mentions this LA thing you'll see that he says - and I'm paraphrasing - "I'd love to go to LA and do film work, but I've got a Universe to save first!" He's stated many places that he has no intention of hanging up his bow tie just yet. And if he does, then it'll be a regeneration (it happens) and we'll move on! But "the BBC needs to come clean, sort out the questions over Matt Smith’s future and stop keeping us in the dark" says Who fan-mag Kasterborous, and what? Ruin a possible surprise regeneration? That would be the next BIG WHO STORY - 'BBC RUIN REGENERATION AGAIN!' Matt will leave when he either wants to leave or the story calls for him to leave. He seems comfortable enough where he is right now, so he says himself, in lots of places.

So without a cast, we need to shake the crew! I know, let's revive rumours about in-fighting between production staff! Boring. And in the past. Not relevant. Who cares if certain people didn't get on with their workmates? It's hardly newsworthy, is it?

'But what about that split in the series? Why's it a two part series? CLEARLY it's all about bad budget management?' Maybe - but unlikely. I don't think so, personally. Maybe it's because the story is big? Maybe it's because the schedule was tight so it offers more post-production time? It's no crime... It seems that people WANT to popularise the idea that the show is heading for the scrap heap.

How about this? Maybe it's BECAUSE the series has ended, taken its mid-series break, that these rumours are becoming news again? Maybe we're all just very, very bored? Maybe the media is using the BBC's flagship show as another means of creating dissent in the ranks? Or at least making it look that way...

Maybe it's just me, but I'm bored of reading about how the show is never coming back - and if it is it'll be as Doctor Who Lite - every time the series leaves the airwaves. Until this time the show is praised and worshipped in reviews and the AI scores seem to justify this! But as soon as there is no Who then all hell breaks loose and people panic.

The in-fighting in the production team rumour is old. Very old. Remember when Beth Willis was fired? No, nor do I, because it never fucking happened - despite reports all over, from those apparently in the know, about it actually being the case. I just wish people would take all rumours that are unsubstantiated gossip and nothing more - you can't even call it speculation, since it's not being speculated about, simply repeated ad nauseum. It seems these days that people would be happier knowing if the BBC gave us all a letter through the post, listing just what will happen in the next series, who will star in it and exactly who likes who and who doesn't on the production staff. At least that way we have facts, right guys? RIGHT? Piss off. The show has been running forever, for most of us. If it knocks out a couple of specials instead of a full series every few years then so what? At least it's on. And it would seem that a 7th series has been announced anyway, starring Matt Smith. You're all worrying over nothing.

Yes. I know. I'm boring. I'm rambling. To be honest I wish I'd never started writing this. But I'm having a shit day and it seemed just the right way to vent. Thanks for reading my garbled, jumbled mess of a post (if you've managed to get this far). Now I'm going to cry in a corner.

THIS JUST IN FROM MOFFAT ON TWITTER:

"14 eps + Matt DEFINITELY. I've got a plan and I'm NOT TELLING YOU WHAT IT IS. Now hush or River shoots you with her Spoiler Gun. #formaqueue"

A Garbled Mess Of What Ifs And Maybes

2011-06-06T14:37:00.000+01:00

A Good Man Goes To War answered one of the biggest questions posed in the history of Doctor Who as a show. Who is River Song? Many guessed that she is the Doctor's wife from the future - others had more outlandish theories. Some guessed, correctly as it turns out, that she's Amy and Rory's daughter, Melody. But what else did it give us in terms of answers? Truthfully, nothing.

We know that Melody was taken - wanted - due to her unique Time Head (I use that phrase as her mother does. It's probably not the technical term). She's to be brought up as a weapon with which to defeat the Doctor. But who wants to defeat him? Who is the mysterious Eye-Patch Lady, Madame Kovarian? What has the Church got to do with any of it? It's an answer we were tricked into forgetting we needed. In all the fuss surrounding Amy's kidnap and the Ganger Melody reveal we forgot all about the real mystery - what the hell is going on?!

It's clear that Kovarian is in control. Her forces are intelligent enough to trap the Doctor using the same trick, twice. She knows what she's doing and now she has Melody (from now on, Melody is the name I shall use. None of this River nonsense) and could be anywhere in the universe. So, Unanswered Questions are the order of the day! And who would expect otherwise from Mr Moffat? So much going on - some we understand, some we don't, some we probably never will - and so many things to wonder about in the time we have between now and Autumn. After all, we're still only half-way through the series! I know, it feels like it's over already, but it's not. And wow, what a half-series it's been.

Since Melody has a Time Head (see? I'm running with it!) and we were treated to some blurred flashbacks to the opening two-parter, it is safe to assume (at least, for now) that the girl in America in the '60s is indeed Melody Pond. So that means ANYONE can now play an earlier incarnation of River Song, right? Does this mean, then, that we could have a younger River aboard the TARDIS as a full time companion soon? I hope so! But that's the future - or the past, if you're River Song... Complicated, isn't it? First of all there's the little problem of "where the fuck the Doctor went" to sort out.

Given that the very next episode is called "Let's Kill Hitler" and there are Nazis in the Series Six teaser - as well as being spotted on set - suggests that there's something big coming. But then, why? Why Hitler? Or is it something along the lines of "we need to mess time up or Melody will become River, as planned, and end up the weapon she was nurtured to be"? Maybe killing Hitler - thus disrupting history and time itself - is the only way to put a stop to the massive, sprawling plot of Kovarian and those she works for. Maybe messing up time will give our heroes a chance to put things right again, from scratch. Maybe. Who knows?

And who cares? In a couple of months we'll have Doctor Who back on our screens and we'll learn these answers. I've never wished I was spoiler-free more than I do now. This is one story I wish I could watch unravel on screen. Maybe I can forget the things I already know about what's to come - though, thinking about it, that's not a lot at all! Oh, BBC Wales. You beauty!

A Good Man Goes To War

2011-06-05T11:57:00.002+01:00

When there's a cliffhanger as massive as last week's there really is nothing you can do to solve it apart from jump forward a few weeks and carry on the tale. I'm glad that A Good Man Goes To War did this - there was so much happening in this episode (and yet not much at all at the same time - I'll get to that) that a scene where the Doctor and Rory mop up Ganger-Amy's goo from the TARDIS floor while chatting about what the hell is going on would be... a silly waste of time.

Instead, we jump straight in. Amy's kidnapped. She's given birth to her baby daughter, Melody (I guessed here - or would have done if I hadn't already known), saying her goodbyes as she knows that the (still) mysterious Madame Kovarian will be separating mother and child. Then Rory stands up to the Cybermen who are monitoring the area of space where they think Amy is - Invasion-style "Wheels In Space" are destroyed to send a message - the Doctor's first dark act; you should never piss him off, you know.

And so we begin! A breathless, largely-narrative-free-but-in-a-good-way 20 minute introduction before it gets to a too-easy battle between our heroes and the Clerics and the Headless Monks (both returning mentionees from last series' Weeping Angels two-parter) who are seemingly working with Kovarian to take Amy's child and turn her into a weapon for use against the Doctor. Why? Not sure! This lack of answers disappointed me at first, but then I remembered that the series isn't over! Even though it FEELS like the finale this episode marks only the half-way point!

Allied with Sontaran nurses, lesbian Silurians (and their girlfriends), Judoon and wheeler-dealer Dorium (the fat blue fella from The Pandorica Opens) - as well as more-than-worthy-should-be-future-companion Lorna Bucket, a cleric who had an encounter with the Doctor when she was just a young girl (and the key to this whole River Song mystery) Rory and the Doctor launch their attack on the Church and take Demon's Run, saving Amy and Melody. But too easy is right! Kovarian is smarter than we think. She's taken the real Melody off into space - Melody, who, it turns out, has Time Lord DNA within her thanks to being conceived within the time vortex - and has replaced her with a Flesh avatar. Seeing Amy cradling a child that suddenly melts into flesh just like Amy did is not only shocking but very disturbing!

It was an episode in the vein of The Pandorica Opens, but with a more epic, reaching feel. Some of our new allies are outstanding - the shamed Commander Strax, Sontaran Nurse - steals the show with his blunt and violent "compliments" and laugh out loud allusions to being the best space-nanny there is! Wonderful, too, is Dorium - a sort of Good Jabba - who unfortunately meets a rather grisly end at the hands of the Headless Monks. Returning are Captain Avery and his son from The Curse Of The Black Spot and "Danny Boy" from last year's Dalek mess - flying his Spitfire through space and time in assistance to the man he helped save before - a silly "what?" moment, but a no less punch-the-air-able moment. In fact, this is the sort of "everything but the kitchen sink" creation RTD wishes he could have pulled off. I loved it, even if it was slightly lacking in narrative. It looked good, it did its job, but you could write the "story" of this one on the back of a postage stamp.

But the real point of the episode, if we're honest with ourselves, was The Big Reveal. River Song's identity. She refused to help Rory and the Doctor at the start of the episode, claiming that she could only show her face at the very last moment due to this being the Doctor's darkest hour... Finding yet failing to find Melody Pond - tricked into a false victory which gives the enemy the biggest head-start they've ever had! But she shows up...

Finally. I can talk about it. Thanks to spoiler-hound friends I've known "the Song Identity" for some time now. And I've tried my best to be good about keeping it to myself. Now I don't have to! It's out there. Officially! River Song IS Melody Pond. Amy and Rory are her parents. She's their Daughter! Yes. Who saw that coming? Well, most of us, I think, as soon as we realised that the baby's name was Melody Pond. But it works, you know! It really works! We still don't know who she is in relation to the Doctor - (well, we do) - and we still don't know who the "Good Man" was that she apparently killed, resulting in her being locked up in Stormcage. But at least some of the River puzzle is solved. The next piece needed is the answer to the question "what does this mean?". And where do we go from here?

The Doctor has run off, safe in the knowledge that Melody will be okay - River's here, after all. He's got a plan. He's got a smile on his face. He's left everyone who helped save the Ponds stranded on an asteroid with only River to take them home. And the next episode is called "Let's Kill Hitler"??? More questions than answers, if you ask me! But what better way to ensure our return for the second half of this excellent series?!

I've missed out so much information about the story, but if you're reading this then I'm assuming you watched it yourself. It was amazing. It was funny. It was cheeky (cunnilingus and group sex jokes at 7pm on a Saturday night - what's not to love about that?). It was BIG. And, above all, it was emotional. Doctor Who is the best show on television by light-years! Roll on "Autumn".

The Almost People

2011-06-03T12:48:00.001+01:00

Oh dear. One of the things I really didn't want to happen happened in The Almost People. I didn't want a big, scary, Lazarus-style monster stalking the corridors of Caerphilly Castle (or wherever that particular scene was shot) but it happened. So I'll complain about that first...

The nice Ganger from The Rebel Flesh, Jenny (Sarah Smart) suddenly became a bit of a monster in part two of the story, then literally became a monster about five minutes before the end. There seemed no need for this - if her Flesh Form was mutating and failing to hold itself together then have it stumble forward like some kind of melting zombie or something... But whatever. It happened. Too late to bitch about it now. And it was only a few minutes, hardly any screen time at all! It's hardly worth me even bringing up - but since it was one of my specific "don't's" then I feel I have to mention it at least.

So, secondly, I shall bleat about how truly spectacular this concluding part of the story was! And it really was spectacular. It took the story to another level, keeping the "base-under-siege" feel of part one, but added more to the series' "arc" than any other episode this series.

Having two identical Doctors running about in the same episode has happened before, in Journey's End, but this time, unlike then, it worked. Matt Smith was born to play opposite himself. Writer Matthew Graham summed it up perfectly in his bit on Doctor Who Confidential when he said "Writing for Matt's Doctor is sort of like writing for two Doctors anyway, since he's always almost finishing his own sentences in a way" - and it's true. Watch him back. He does indeed finish his own sentences, contradicts himself, then picks himself up on those contradictions. This two-Doctors lark worked well here, especially the "Wowza!" moment.

So blah blah blah, the Gangers are bad and then the Doctor(s) convince them that humanity is something they should want to join, not destroy. There's a bigger body count in this episode than the last and every death is dealt with swiftly and without cloying melodrama (except one, which needed it).

But lets talk about that ending eh? So, with a human and a Ganger heading to HO to tell the bosses that 'this sort of thing has to stop, for all our sakes' the Doctor and Rory help an incapacitated Amy into the TARDIS. "Contractions" the Doctor says, Amy's having a baby.

But wait. What? Where's the bump? Where's the cravings? Where's the explosive temper and all-too-sudden-and-over-nothing hysterical tears?! Well, one click of the sonic and poor Amy is revealed to be not all she seems. Or, I should say, all she seems and more. This Amy - our Amy, the one we've been watching this series - has been a Ganger all along. As she holds herself, crippled with pain, she utters a heartbreaking "Doctor, I am frigh'ened!" before disappearing before our eyes in a splash of goo.

And so we forget the entire story of the last two episodes and look only to the future. Those last three minutes of The Almost People are what cliffhangers are all about. And except for the purely-panto "Puuuuuuuuussssssssshhhhhhhh!" from the midwife from hell, Frances Barber's Madame Kovarian looks to be a threatening and slightly "new style" villain.

So where do the Doctor and Rory go from here? Amy's missing, giving birth and "frigh'ened!" and it seems it'll take a lot more than a quick jaunt in the TARDIS to clear this one up!

A Good Man Goes To War hits our screens at 6:40pm on Saturday 4th June (that's tomorrow folks) and promises to deliver a quest which will not only reveal a darker side to the Doctor, a braver side to Rory and a Motherly side to Amy but also promises to reveal something that we've wondered - no, obsessed - about since the character was introduced: just who is River Song? We've been promised an answer. We'll get it. Whether it'll be the one we want is another thing altogether - but an answer is incoming.

New faces and old appear to help the Doctor and Rory track down Amy and Melody, but since this is the opening episode to the most eagerly awaited two-parter since Moffat took the top job - and there is a gap of TWO MONTHS between this opening story and its concluding part - I don't expect us to know too much just yet. It feels like the end of the series, but we're only half way through! Don't you just love that tingly feeling in your belly when you think that?

Torchwood: Miracle Day Trailer

2011-06-02T15:41:00.000+01:00

Here's the new trailer for Torchwood: Miracle Day. It looks... Well... Awesome!

The Rebel Flesh

2011-05-23T15:09:00.000+01:00

This series of Doctor Who really is delivering like no other since the show's return in 2005! Each and every episode - in my opinion - has had something special about it, even if it wasn't the very best we're used to. I can honestly say that there has not been a single minute of boredom or "wandering off" for me at all this year.

And the most recent offering, Matthew Graham's The Rebel Flesh, was no different. Well, no. It was different, that's what made it so enjoyable. It seemed we were taken back to the good old days of the "Base Under Siege" adventure that Classic Doctor Who did so well when Troughton was driving. Our team arrive at an ancient monastery on an island on near-future Earth where a team of miners are pumping acid to the mainland. But there's something different about this mining operation. The miners are in no danger at all, despite the acid's potency. Instead they use Gangers, duplicates of themselves, controlled from a safe distance, made out of the "world's worst kept secret" The Flesh - programmable organic matter that can become anything you want.

A solar tsunami forces not only the TARDIS crew to seek shelter at the monastery but also causes a power surge that gives the Gangers a life of their own, independent of their human controllers' grasp. And these duplicates - these Gangers - they want their freedom.

And so a different story takes place. A war between humans - with souls, feelings, memories, loves and hates - and their Gangers - with all the same memories and feelings...

Just because they're not "actually human" does that mean these duplicates are disposable? Does it make them less human, just because they're exact copies? It's a difficult situation to chose sides over. And I'm sorry but I found myself siding with the Gangers most of the time. They just want to be left alone to live their "lives" after all!

Some awesome guest stars and a few lovely little plot bits made The Rebel Flesh a pleasure to sit through! Marshall Lancaster and Sarah Smart shone as the sympathetic ones here. The little story-beat about Sarah Smart's character's attraction to Rory (an attraction that is gently reciprocated, showing another side to both his character and his wife's) was beautifully played. And the Ganger makeup is genuinely disgusting.

There's very little I can complain about really. It's very much a Part One, but since it IS Part One that's okay... The cast are mostly brilliant, Raquel Cassidy being the only weak link for me (something I never thought I'd ever say), the rest were brilliant. The story has enough in it to be interesting, even intriguing, but isn't so busy you lose your way - it's pretty confusing watching a story with two of each character after all!

One niggle is the "Prisoner Zero-Head Ganger Jennifer" in the toilets. It wasn't needed and the "monster" would have seemed more threatening without it. And another, but far less annoying, niggle is this: After the Doctor spoke the line "...it's as if The Flesh was scanning me!" it was clear to anyone with eyes and a brain to work them that the cliffhanger ending would be a Ganger Doctor revealing himself to the confused and frightened cast. And it happened. And it was awesome. I just hope the whole thing doesn't go "all snarly monsters and SFX" for part two - this story works as a two parter because it's small and the threat is creepy. Keep it that way? Cheers.

Oh, one last thing! Anyone else get the feeling they've been through all this before? "It's even learned how to replicate itself, at a molecular level..." - I think we're watching duplicates of our team!

Getting Used To A Brand New Keyboard

2011-05-17T16:11:00.003+01:00

This must be what a regeneration feels like. I've bought a new keyboard since the "keys" in the one belonging to my laptop are rapidly decreasing in number, leaving me with a jumble of small rubber nipples to caress each time I want to write something - which, recently, is quite often indeed.

And it's like trying to get used to wearing women's clothes (I'd imagine). It's not a comfortable experience at all. Okay, so I get to laze about on the sofa while I type rather than sit rigid at my desk, but that comfort comes at a price. On this new keyboard, every letter feels just a few millimeters too far away from its neighbour. The hot-keys aren't configured as I like them. There's an unusually hollow clicking noise as I write, making it sound as though Pinocchio is 'bashing one out' over some 1960s children's TV puppet show milf, to anyone who doesn't know about my new purchase. And worst of all, since I'm using a laptop, I still have to lean forward every now and then to use the bloody mouse-pad.

So, I'm sorry my loyal lot, you are the poor souls who must sit and read through a few hundred meaningless words about a new keyboard, just to see whether prolonged use will make the thing easier for your dear author to work with. But you know what? You don't have to read much more - because it's already over. Thanks for your patience. xx

Sherlock Series Two Titles Revealed!

2011-05-16T13:45:00.002+01:00

Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss' baby, BBC's Sherlock, returns soon. Shooting on its second series began today. As well as the news about shooting beginning the BBC have confirmed the titles of the three 90 minute films. They are:

A Scandal In Belgravia, The Hounds Of Baskerville and The Reichenbach Fall. Holmes fans among you will know what this means. Those who don't, well... A Scandal In Belgravia is clearly based on the story A Scandal In Bohemia, which features fan favourite Irene Adler. The Hounds Of Baskerville is a new one to me... I can't think what it could be based on. I've scoured the canon and there's nothing in there that sounds anything like this! So that'll be fun to see! And then there's that last one; The Reichenbach Fall. Clearly based around the happenings of The Final Problem, the story which sees the famous cliff-top confrontation between Holmes and Moriarty.

I cannot wait for this new series, it's going to be amazing <3

Read more in my article for next month's issue of Starburst Magazine.

Subscribe for free by following the link in the sidebar.

The Doctor's Wife

2011-05-15T17:24:00.000+01:00

So, this was it. The Big One - the one most of us were waiting for, for one reason or another! The Doctor's Wife written by fantasy supremo Neil Gaiman.

Very little was known about this one by the general public until the preview disks went out to the papers - and for good reason! This was a big one - in terms of the Doctor Who legend anyway. This was all about the TARDIS. It was partially set in the TARDIS, it featured the TARDIS in human form, it was about TARDISes! And although some have grumbled about it, even giving it a meagre 1/10 on Gallifrey Base's Rate and Review thread, it instantly became a favourite of mine - certainly the best of series six, up there as the best of Moffat's run (along-side Vincent and the Doctor as the only episodes I've given perfect 10's to) and probably the most meaningful and enjoyable "small personal story" since the show came back in 2005.

The standard of acting throughout series six has reached new heights, far beyond the quality of series five, with both Karen and Arthur bouncing off the screen with an honesty and believability that was sometimes lacking in their earlier stories. They are simply wonderful in this, employing heart and meaning to what could have been "just another running down corridors bit".

Matt, too, is on top form recently - Only the most cold-hearted, hard-hearted bastards could say they didn't share his tears in the Idris "Hello Doctor" scenes at the episode's close. There wasn't a poor performance in the entire 45+ minutes. But it was the TARDIS herself - Suranne Jones - who shone through as the most important and most loveable character this show has ever had! If you think about it, it's the TARDIS that the star of this show, as much as the Doctor is. And there was plenty of TARDIS in this! And plenty of TARDISes! For example, we finally got to see that Blue Peter winner's console design and what a beauty it was, too!

And then there was the old console room - 'Tennant's TARDIS' as everyone seems to be calling it, despite it belonging to Eccleston for a whole year before Tennant cockney-walked in and took over. - as seen in the trailers.

It was nice seeing it again, but only as a means of expanding the TARDIS. I don't get the whole "wow, that makes me want to cry boo hoo" mentality over previous Doctors and console rooms. Surely it's the change that keeps the show purely what it is? Without change the show would have died 45 years ago! Instead of that, the show has lived, strong and full of energy, even at its worst!

Neil Gaiman's The Doctor's Wife was a love letter - not to the fans, but to the show itself. Almost 50 years of adventures with a sentient being and we've never had a chance to see how she feels about it all. Well, now we have - and it turns out she wanted just what the Doctor wanted. Adventures Through Time And Space. Seeing her interact with the Doctor, her thief, her 'stolen goods', was something special.

The adventurousness of the whole piece was a wonder to sit through, a pleasure, but that "hello" scene at the end? Wow. That brought tears to my eyes and brought the whole Doctor/TARDIS partnership to the forefront. David Tennant's Tenth Doctor travelled alone for the specials, acquiring companions for individual adventures, but there was no indication that he was ever thinking about the TARDIS.

Seeing Matt speak to the TARDIS, ask if she was still there, after House had been vanquished, was beautiful. From this point on, no matter who he has on-board, the Doctor will never be travelling truly alone. Not in my eyes. In 45 minutes Neil Gaiman, Suranne Jones, Matt Smith, Steven Moffat and everyone else who had a hand in crafting this masterpiece have changed the way we see this lonely travelling man. He's not going to be lonely anymore. He's more than aware that the TARDIS isn't unreliable, but taking care of him. She isn't broken, she's beautiful - a museum piece, on adventures with another museum piece, through time and space. And who wouldn't want to travel with them <3

Altogether Now! 'DUH, Du-duh Du-duh Du-duh duh, DUH! Du-duh Du-duh Daaah!' The Apprentice Is BACK!!!

2011-05-12T12:20:00.000+01:00

Yes. It's back! Everyone's favourite Schadenfreude-fix is on our screens once again. And as usual, Lord Sugar (I'll call him Alan) has a boardroom full of dicks. Well, not FULL, but almost full. There's no fun anymore in chirping about the idiots; there are far too many of them, they all blend into each other after a while, so I've decided to be as positive as possible in this post. I'm going to talk about my favourites.

First of all, my absolute favourite - an opinion based on nothing but the fact that he's a nerd - Thomas. Tom is, as far as anyone can tell, an inventor (though his idea for a mobile phone app that "is... traffic lights, just traffic lights" makes you wonder what on Earth he's invented that's any good! [A quick Google search reveals he invented the world's first curved nail file?! Whatever]). But he's funny and geeky and seems a really nice bloke. I can imagine going for a beer with him and coming up with some stupidly useless gadget for the home - something he has the skills to make a reality! I'm watching him closely, he could be our winner.

Then there's Susan Ma. She's young, she's cute, she's able but she's also clumsy and clunky with it. She's the most watchable of all the female candidates. Her explanation of a brilliant idea she had for an app was nothing short of astoundingly cringe-worthy.

But she's nice! She's been shouted down by that horrible woman who thinks she's the best because she's (probably) the oldest. I feel a little protective over Susan. Which is silly, because she's more than capable of speaking up for herself! I think, like Tom, she's going to be here for a long while yet. I'm already picking out favourites and my approval usually acts as a mark of death. I hope I haven't put a jinx on these "favourites" of mine...

Although, even if I HAVE, it would hardly matter to Jim the Jedi. It would seem he has taken the title of Only Candidate Ever To Tell His Project Manager Not To Choose Him For The Bottom Three And Have The Project Manager Listen With No Argument Despite Him Already Having Chosen Him Before. It's a long title, sure. But it's an important one. Jim's mantra of "a box of green peppers, six onions" is one I'll try out the next time I'm bartering over fruit. I think Jim is, ultimately, the one most likely to win so far. He has charm and ability, he is able to take control when it's needed of him, as he did many times during this week's shows, and he is, again, a lovely bloke. I already like the candidates this year, even though I don't know most of them by name yet. I'm hooked though, so it's only a matter of time.

"The Wrath Of Steven Moffat" - Spoilers And Their Worth.

2011-05-11T18:45:00.007+01:00

Okay. Before you all start yelling "hypocrite" I admit, I love spoilers. I love Doctor Who spoilers, anyway. I couldn't give a shit about any other show, I just am not as interested to know what's happening in other shows. I have a real love for Doctor Who and there's an idea of this show belonging to the fans anyway, since it's been running for far longer than most of its production team have been alive. But it does not belong to the fans. It's a delusion we love to nurture as much as we, as fans, love to ignore the reality. This is 'Doctor Who © BBC'. It's not ours!

Doctor Who show-runner Steven Moffat recently 'launched' what some see as a 'vicious attack' on fandom, stating that those who leak plot-lines online, or to the press, should stop watching "his show". It has caused a bit of a stir on Twitter - on my timeline anyway - among the more active Doctor Who fans.

Let me tell you the story of 'Doctor Who Spoilers and Me'. During the lead-up to series three I became pretty interested in chasing the crew of Doctor Who around the streets of Cardiff to watch them film scenes for the show. Since the scenes were for future episodes, the information within them, if splashed about, would be seen as spoilers. I "spoiled" myself this way all through series three and four, knowing just what was coming - or almost, but loving the show anyway... There was never anything BIG enough to ruin the show for me, or for others, it would seem. I was addicted to spoilers; they were a companion to the show, for me.

Because most of what was 'out there' were just clues to what would happen. Nothing over-explicit. It was a means of teasing myself. I've never done 'the spoiler thing' because I want to know what's happening, but because it fires off conversations and debate about a show I know and love. Through Series Five the spoilers got heavier and I found myself knowing bigger things, like Rory's death(s) and the nature of the threat (the Alliance), things which I didn't really mind knowing, but, when I accidentally 'spoiled' the Rory Death Scene for my then-girlfriend, I saw just how destructive HUGE spoilers could be to the enjoyment of others.

So I decided to stay as spoiler-free as possible for the 2010 Christmas Special, A Christmas Carol. The most I knew was that it was a Scrooge-style story, there was a shark, there was singing... I knew literally nothing else. And do you know what? I enjoyed it far more - no, that's not fair... - I was more EXCITED about the story than I had been for the entire series before it. I had an epiphany! I would be spoiler-free for the whole of Series Six. I left Doctor Who forum Gallifrey Base, I stopped attending filming (though I sometimes relapsed, just like any addict) and I tried to limit my contact with sites such as the brilliant Doctor Who Spoilers. It was difficult, since my best friends are basically the source of all spoilers - although, they were not the source of the one that got Mr Moffat so worked up recently! But, I tried my best.

It didn't work of course! I know as much, almost, about this series as I did about the last! But I've tried to limit myself to teasers. I know things I dare not say on here for fear of a violent backlash! But the things I know only help to stir the excitement in me over the episodes to come. There is one BIG THING I know - or think I know - but again, it's not the End Of All Things. However, one quick trip to Gallifrey Base changed things slightly. The first two episodes were ruined for me. Not completely, I still loved them, but the risk had been taken away.

One fan lucky enough to bag a ticket to the press screening of The Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon later posted everything (almost) about the episodes on GB. Ordinarily this fella would have got a pat on the back from many! Even from me! But there was something uncomfortable about the release of SO MUCH information... It wasn't just the odd hint or teaser here and there; it wasn't even a list of things that happen! It was an entire, detailed break-down of the entire two episodes. It was also a disturbing betrayal of trust after being asked, nicely and politely, not to let the cat out of the bag before the episodes aired. Even the press kept quiet, for Christ's sake!

An enthusiastic reaction to being given Top Secret Information is something I'm all too aware of! But it seems that this incident caught the attention of the production staff and ruffled a few feathers. So how much information does it take to turn a 'spoiler' into a 'ruiner'? Well... It would seem the answer to that is 'all of it, almost'. As I've mentioned, the odd thing or two creates HYPE: "The Cybermen are back!!" means that scores of people will watch to see a) if they actually are and b) what they're up to this time. Want to know who River Song really is? Sure! Head over to Gallifrey Base! If you care that much about who she is that you'll seek the information out, it's not going to stop you watching, it is? Almost harmless! But those are all clues, hints and teasers. What you don't want is to be told the ins and outs of the whole bloody episode!

I suppose what I'm saying is, in far too many words (sorry), is that there's no fun in being given an already completed crossword to solve. Sure, those one's where you're given "1=F and 2=T and 3=P" but have to fill the rest in yourself are great fun! And normal "2 Down: Green Fruit, five letters" are awesome! But a completed grid? Not much fun in looking at the clues when the answers are already filled in, even if you haven't filled them in yourself! I'm not sure this is the clearest analogy ever, but it's the best I can do.

So, in clumsy conclusion to a clumsy post: Spoilers = Good, Ruiners = Bad.

Eldrad Must Live - And So Must Classic Who!

2011-05-09T23:29:00.001+01:00

In memory of Lis Sladen the BBC tonight showed classic Who story "The Hand Of Fear" and, if my Twitter Feed is anything to go by, the viewers at home loved it!

And what a lovely gesture! But think what a great opportunity this would be to kick-start another run of some favourite classic stories! I have most of them on DVD but imagine how much fun it would be to tune in to BBC Four of an evening and watch "The Claws Of Axos" Episode One, then have to WAIT for the next one!! Just being able to see classic opening titles running on the BBC again would be magical!

I hope the BBC show more stories. Since the Eleventh Doctor seems to be arguably the most successful since the show returned and since the young'uns are loving Doctor Who more and more these days, it would be wonderful for the 'Lost Generation' to see some classic Doctor Who. Wouldn't it? : )

"Not Now, Silent Singer!"

2011-05-08T17:01:00.000+01:00

Who has escaped the explosion at Ravenhill? That's the question on everyone's lips as we delve into the second series of Psychoville on BBC Two. And answers were given more or less immediately. The opening scene of the first new episode, showing the Funeral Of A Clown, was a great indicator of what we should expect from the coming weeks. Once again, the darkest, strangest and most enthralling comedy thriller in recent years has me hooked.

If you've not seen the first episode go here now, catch up, then come back and read the rest of this post. If you saw it then you'll know that all our old favourites are back - well, most of them... Well, some of them.

Mr Jelly is back, trying to come to terms with the events of at Ravenhall, as are Mr Lomax and Tealeaf - although it would seem that it's not only his eyes that Lomax is having trouble with now, after the blast left both his eardrums perforated ("No, it's just Mellow Birds!").

And Joy is back, as disturbing as ever. I never thought I'd have bad dreams about Dawn French, but I have done recently. Still, I'm not sure she deserves what she gets in the closing scenes of episode one! Likewise, David and his mother have returned - though, as murderous and twisted as they are, there's a touch of sadness to their tale this year too!

But it's one particular new character that has grasped me by the scruff and forced me to wonder if this whole thing is worth the hilarious nightmares (answer: yes it is!)... Jeremy Goode, the librarian - a man who will stop at nothing to assure a book is returned on time.

That is, if the hauntingly disturbing Silent Singer leaves him alone to do his job! It's not really clear yet what the nature of the visions are, but something here is not right at all. Think of the most uncomfortable and unsettling thing ever, then imagine Reece Shearsmith playing said thing in a blonde wig while miming into the bottom of a walking stick... That's just how creepy Silent Singer is. All in all, old characters and new, the inhabitants of this weird little world are on top form once again!

But where will the story go? Letters are arriving again, deaths and confrontations are all around and there's a dwarf missing. But the first thirty minutes of Psychoville 2 offered little in terms of explanation. We are, like last time, on a Ghost Train travelling into the unknown...

...and what an odd assortment of fellow passengers we have! Psychoville 2 is brilliant, as I knew it would be. Thursdays, 10pm, BBC Two. Please don't miss it.

The Curse Of The Black Spot

2011-05-08T14:12:00.002+01:00

Okay. Stop. Stop talking, stop criticising. Stop trying to compare the quality of this episode to that of the last two, in terms of drama, scale and storytelling. It won't do you any good. You're just going to convince yourself that this was rubbish and it really, really wasn't. In fact, The Curse Of The Black Spot is one of the episodes I've enjoyed most since 2005. Not because it's a big dramatic EPIC like The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang or The Impossible Astronaut/Day Of The Moon, but because it was a nice and welcome breather - a bit of a break FROM all that EPICness.

Let me look at it for what it was: a typical Episode Three, stand-alone and 'meant to be a bit of fun'. It certainly lived up to that description for me. I love Pirates anyway and I love Doctor Who, so I was always going to carve out a place in my nerd-heart for this one.

It had a great "monster" in the beautiful Lily Cole as The Siren - both frightening and mesmerising in equal measure. Somehow, this age-old sea-legend was made to feel fresh and interesting. The mysteriousness of Cole's performance made her feel more like a character and less like a "monster of the week". And giving this legend a sci fi twist worked well, I think (although I did guess "the twist" before it happened). It worked on many levels, for me. It was funny, it was good-looking (costumes and locations/sets were mind-blowing) and it packed enough 'emotional punch' to make you care without losing the "Doctor Who Does Swashbuckling" that I so wanted from this episode.

I think it would have worked well as a two part story, but there has been a hot/cold reaction to the story so maybe it's better for most fans that it was stand-alone. But, "those fans", you need to remember that that is what it was! Just a middle of the road, stand alone, good old adventurous romp for the Doctor and his companions. Everyone is so wound up over next week's episode because it's written by Neil Gaiman, indeed so am I, but I fear that next week will be "just a nice romp" too - albeit a great one!

Performance-wise, ...Black Spot was Spot On. There wasn't a single unbelievable performance (something even the series openers suffered from - the actress playing Joy was truly awful, in my opinion). Hugh Bonneville underplayed his Pirate Captain to perfection. There were no Aaaargh's or M'Matey's in sight. Karen Gillan's acting was on top form (I've always thought her good, but even the haters can't criticise her this series) and Arthur Darvill outshone even Matt Smith in terms of humour this week, cementing himself in my mind as my favourite New Who companion, without question. But that's not to say that Matt wasn't on top form too! You could see just how much fun he - and indeed the others - were having throughout.

The Curse Of The Black Spot was never, ever going to please everyone. I know people who hate anything at all to do with pirates and I also know people who have said they would stop watching if Doctor Who ever "did pirates" again. I have a feeling that they'll be watching next week, the hypocrites.

I don't know what there was here to not enjoy! You don't have to love every episode, you don't have to be blown away and left in awe at every little story! This was a Nice Day Out for "Team TARDIS" (except for Rory dying, again). There was enough here to keep even the most critical fan happy, surely? Amy Pond as a pirate? Gawky Rory slobbering all over a sexy, green Lily Cole? Loads of awesome pirates and enough "pirate musts" to ensure a massively knowing smile on my chops, at least!

I gave it 6/10 on Gallifrey Base's rate and review thread after the first viewing. I have watched it twice since, enjoying more each time. If I were to re-score it now? I'd probably give it an 8/10. It suffered from a jumbled pacing, but it had so much to keep me happy. I can't speak for anyone else, but this is nowhere near as bad, in my eyes, as everyone seems to be making out. I'd even go as far as to say it's the sort of episode I could watch over and over again. Just a nice, enjoyable classic-feeling Doctor Who story for a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Bloody good fun, a definite favourite of mine.

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle Rolls Back In To Town!

2011-05-05T00:18:00.000+01:00

There are some jokes in this series of Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle. Four of them. Or maybe three. But there are definitely jokes! Okay, they all happen in this first episode, which deals with charity (and crisps), but they're there! You might have to look for them, but they are definitely there! (And in case you miss them, he tells you when they happen, so it's okay)!

Yep. He's back. And, as ever, if you don't know Stew's style already, don't bother. This stand up comedy show airs at 11.20pm on Wednesday nights on BBC2. It's not for everyone. I'd go as far as to say it's not for most people. But there is definitely an audience out there. Stewart Lee, as you know already, is a hero of mine. Not only the funniest man I've ever seen, but as close as possible to the nicest fella I've ever met. Comedy Vehicle is... well, his comedy vehicle. Stew deconstructs each joke, signposts each callback and pushes every last laugh into your face, rather than tickling it out of you.

I can't explain what he does or why it's funny. I can't say 'watch it for this bit when...' because it doesn't work like that! You either get it or you don't. If you get it, welcome to the very exclusive club! If it's not for you, that's perfectly fine! But we all think you're missing out... Watch the first episode on iPlayer now!

Exile (BBC)

2011-05-04T11:52:00.000+01:00

Remember State Of Play? Paul Abbott's perfect "journalism conspiracy thriller", starring John Simm, James McAvoy, David Morrissey, Bill Nighy and a host of other wonderful British actors, was simply incredible; my favourite ever tv series. Abbot's mind is full of "clever but believable" plots. I wish I could write like him... I can't. But it's okay! Because there is a man who can!

Daniel Brocklehurst has written for Shameless and countless other British tv favourites, but in my opinion has excelled himself in the Paul Abbott creation "Exile", a three part "father and son story with a thriller motor" recently aired on BBC One.

Tom Ronstadt (Simm) is a prick. A womanising, drug-taking, boozy schmoozy investigative journalist, kicked off his paper for basically being all of the above. He heads back to his childhood home - the only place he has any friends anymore - where his sister Nancy (Olivia Colman) is taking care of their father, Sam (beautifully played by Jim Broadbent) who is suffering from Alzheimer's.

Sam was once an investigative journalist too, but something in his work changed him - when Tom was a teenager, caught rummaging through his dad's work papers, he was beaten by Sam to within an inch of his life. This was the last day Tom spent with his father. Returning, Tom pledges to find out just what triggered the change in Sam's personality... And what a can of worms he opens!

Once again, I don't want to give away too much about the twists and turns of the story - it's still available on iPlayer and you should all have a look, if you have the time. It's a smaller tale than State Of Play, but it's get that same "desperate feel" about it. Even though he didn't write it himself, the script has Paul Abbott written all over it; it's just wonderful.

Once again - as is the norm - John Simm steals the show as the not-very-nice-but-still-good "hero" of the piece; coincidentally playing a journalist again. It feels as though, if it was tweaked, this could be the second instalment in a "Cal McCaffrey" series. It isn't, but it could be. And massive credit to both Jim Broadbent and Olivia Colman, too, who shine in every scene they appear in, which is "most scenes". In fact, there isn't a performance in the whole series that jars. Everything comes together, too, satisfyingly enough. When the story gets into gear (it takes a while, a little into episode two, but that's fine because the characters keep you watching) the reveals happen fast. It's not the kind of show you can wander away from to make tea.

Most of me wanted to watch this because Abbott had a hand in it - the man is truly a genius. But I ended up forgetting all about this being a piece of drama (despite the "State Of Play-esque" score running all over the piece) and got lost in the personal lives of these normal - but not quite so - characters. When the last episode finished, I wanted more. I loved it. I hope you do too.

Doctor Who - The Curse Of The Black Spot (Prequel)

2011-05-01T23:33:00.000+01:00

Grab an eyeful of this spooky old thing; the prequel to the next episode of Doctor Who...

The Impossible Astronaut / Day Of The Moon

2011-04-30T23:29:00.003+01:00

This story started where most stories end, for the Doctor. With a regeneration. Not a successful one, unfortunately, but a regeneration nonetheless. During a picnic by the lake our poor hero is killed stone dead by an impossible astronaut.

Then, back in '69 (I'm assuming you've watched the episodes, I'm not filling in the gaps in the story) a race to discover what the Silence are up to begins and the Doctor meets a brand new friend in Canton Everett Delaware III. From the White House to tunnels below the streets of Florida to the deepest, darkest recesses of your nightmares, this two-parter has blown me away. I don't think I've ever enjoyed 90 minutes of television so much in my entire life.

We have an amazing new enemy (ignore my previous Silence post - unless it is proved true in the future) with a terrifying power in The Silence. Once you've seen them, once you've received their orders, once you turn your back, they never existed to you. The second you look away you forget you've even encountered them! Imagine, you could turn and see one now, then turn back to this post and forget that it's standing right behind you! I find it very hard to believe that this is the last we'll see of this Silent menace. They're too good an enemy with too good a power to just disappear.

But tracking the astronaut to a warehouse, above the Silence's spaceship, and finding a little girl behind the visor is exciting, interesting, even confusing, but it's only the beginning.

The Impossible Astronaut is very much Part One of a much bigger tale. Even the greatest of revelations (Amy's pregnancy, the Doctor's death, etc) couldn't set it as an episode that could be enjoyed alone. This is definitely a movie-sized story that was split because it had to be. It sizzles away quietly, then throws a bunch of massive action sequences at you, then burns quietly away again... Until, before you know it, Amy's shooting a child in the face, at 6.43pm on Saturday night... Doctor Who, in case you hadn't noticed, has grown up a little this year.

Then Day Of The Moon begins, three months after the events of the series opener, and things have changed again! Canton 3 is hunting our heroes - indeed, gunning them down one by one, or chasing them from the high-floors of skyscrapers. Has he turned to the dark side? No. It's all a plan to get the companions - on the run since the Doctor's off-screen capture - all together again! Cue one of the greatest escape scenes (so simple, yet so elaborate!) in Doctor Who history. Inside the "Perfect Prison" at Area 51, the Doctor and the largest TARDIS crew in decades set off once more to continue their mission in peace, without having half the American security agencies chasing them down - again.

Day Of The Moon has, for me, the most exciting pre-credit sequence of any story so far: seeing River dive from that skyscraper, straight into the TARDIS swimming pool, seeing Amy cornered and "killed" in cold blood by someone we have trusted so far, seeing poor Rory face death like a man - there's nothing not to like about it. And you KNOW they're not really dead, obviously, yet that doesn't detract from the excitement and horror of seeing our friends taken out.

Some lovely little "sci fi bits" thrown in, with no real explanation (like those recorders in their palms) and we're ready to visit the creepy orphanage in search of this little girl, the one from the space suit. There's nothing quite like a haunted house and this one doesn't just have Silence on the ceiling but a freaky futuristic woman "in" a door (make sure you remember her). Some of the most chilling scenes ever in "New Who" prove once again that Steven Moffat is at his best when he's creeping us out.

A really bloody freaky guest appearance by Kerry Shale as the unfortunate Dr Renfrew, "keeper of the kid" at Greystark Hall Orphanage, threw us into horror movie territory and gave Karen Gillan plenty of room to shine, apparently using a talent for emotion and suspense that she kept very well hidden last year (or so some say). The Orphanage scenes are genuinely frightening. Watching in the dark is not recommended for those of a nervous disposition. But watching closely certainly is recommended for everyone! If you didn't see her, there was a cameo from a certain Frances Barber this week. Possible the most unusual, confusing and downright hallucinogenic cameo ever. It's not so much "blink and you'll miss her" as "see her clearly but still have to rewind to make sure you didn't dream it".

Sinister women peering through doors from what looks like the future aside, what came next in the episode kick-starts a whole new area of speculation! We know that Amy thinks she's pregnant. We know that she's told the Doctor this and that, it would seem, was that. But behind this creepy door (oh, there IS no hatch, by the way, it's not there... I know. Bonkers) is a little girl's bedroom - THE little girl's bedroom. But who is she?!

She has toys and games as any normal kid would. There's a mobile hanging from the ceiling made up of stars planets and moons. And there are photographs; most of them are of the little girl, but one shows Amy, smiling, holding a new born baby. Why would this little girl, in America in 1969, have a photo of Amy and her as yes unborn child? Are they connected in some way? Could that little girl be...? but that would mean... Since... You know, at the end of the episode! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

First our heroes need to get rid of the Silence! And what better way to do that than by using their own awesome power against them?!

Using a video phone, a snazzed-up Walkie Talkie, a few slight adjustments to the Eagle's video feed, a clever word-game with a captured and injured Silent and Neil Armstrong's foot the Doctor, Canton and the rest manage to trick the Silence into ordering their own termination and then broadcast this to the half a billion people watching the moon landing as well as the countless billions who will watch the footage back, at some point in their life. The Doctor only needed six words to bring down Harriet Jones, but the Silent's order of just one more than that seemed to do the trick when it came to destroying their entire race: "YOU SHOULD KILL US ALL ON SIGHT!" - And so we did. The revolution was led, Silence fell.

And that was that! The world saved, in 1969, with subliminal messages! The Silence were defeated. Earth was safe again and we all did our bit - even if we don't remember doing it. But there are more questions left unanswered than ever before!

The TARDIS isn't sure whether Amy is pregnant or not - so is she? Who actually is River Song? (That kiss makes guessing easier, as does a throwaway line uttered not long before that). Who was in the spacesuit when the Doctor was killed by it? Why did the Doctor have to die? Where did the little girl figure in the Silence's plan? Who was she, for that matter?! She must be important since the Doctor says "it's all about her" just as they take off for more adventures!

And how the fuck... HOW THE FUCK did she regenerate?! WHO THE HELL IS SHE?!!!

Best. Doctor. Who. Story. Ever!

That Big Spoiler That's Out There! (Spoiler Free, Promise)

2011-04-27T15:36:00.002+01:00

So, it seems that it's out there! "Who River Song Is" is no longer a secret to those who know where to look. And if you don't know where to look then the 'Doctor Who Spoiler Site' is a great place to start - Only click THIS LINK if you REALLY want to know who she is - I will not be held responsible for you spoiling it for yourselves... You will only have yourself to blame! And it's a BIG spoiler, so don't click it unless you are really, really sure you want to know who River Song actually is! There is doubt among some - and initially, from me - as to whether this spoiler was genuine or not, but since talking to the source myself I'm pretty convinced it is true. And when you think about it, it makes sense!

Right. If you've seen the spoiler there's a chance that you want to discuss it. I implore you not to do so in any form of public place. Blowing the secret on your Twitter feed is low. There are people out there who really don't want to know, who want to find out when the reveal happens on-screen. So be kind, be thoughtful and please don't spoil it for those who want to remain unspoiled. If you want to talk it over with other spoiler-hounds then you can do so on Gallifrey Base's Spoiler and Speculation thread using the link in the sidebar.

But, wow. What a revelation, eh?!

The Greatest TARDIS Crew In History

2011-04-25T23:05:00.000+01:00

I've seen The Impossible Astronaut about 9 times now, each time loving it more and I am now utterly convinced that we are witnessing the adventures of the best TARDIS crew that we have ever had. The chemistry between all four crew members is mind-blowing. In decades to come this crew will be ranked up there with the likes of the Second Doctor, Jamie and Zoe.

Series Five was great for chemistry too, no question about that, but there was a sense of "special guest star" about both Alex and Arthur. This time, however, both are well and truly the Doctor's companions.

Rory is my favourite companion in 'New Who' and it seems that he will remain so for the foreseeable future. His clever mix of lovable but clumsy and brave and capable is what makes this ordinary, ordinary man so extraordinary. Played with the perfect balance of humour and heart by Arthur Darvill, Rory is - as we saw during the Doctor's funeral scene last weekend - more than up the the job of taking control of the situation in the Doctor's absence, but knows that when the Doctor is about he is an assistant only. There's no bitterness there. Sure, there's some jealousy over Amy, but when it comes to the crunch Rory is the Doctor's fiercest friend.

This entire crew compliment each other perfectly and I hope to see them travel space and time for many years to come! I fear, however, that this may not turn out to be the case. I have a terrible feeling that Amy and Rory will be leaving us - based on nothing, this isn't a spoiler, just a hunch - and if they do, I will be sad to see them leave. So, here's to the best crew the TARDIS ever had. The Eleventh Doctor, Amy Pond, Rory Williams and River Song. Awesome. Just awesome!

Jim Shelley Doesn't Get It - A Doctor Who Review Review

2011-04-25T15:42:00.001+01:00

I don't claim to be a great writer, a great reviewer or the most eloquent of scribblers when it comes to using words. But I am capable of following a children's drama on a Saturday night. I was going to review The Impossible Astronaut but you know I loved it and you know - from my posts previous - what ideas I've had about the questions it has left unanswered.

So instead of a review from me I have decided to review a review. Not just any review, Jim Shelley's review of the series opener from today's Daily Mirror. I'm not a fan of this paper, I'm not a fan of Shelley's pathetic articles and I'm certainly not a fan of inaccurate journalism, even if it's not really about anything serious. I'm not even going to comment on this bit of nothing from Kevin O'Sullivan!

Entitled "It's Not Quite What The Doctor Ordered" (without a hint of irony) Shelley attempts to get his tabloid brain around the complex and frankly mindbogglingly difficult-to-understand story of The Impossible Astronaut (I'm being sarcastic). He says that Doctor Who is "still not quite delivering" and that it seems everyone is "trying too hard" in the show. Then he goes on to say that it's the best and most innovative British show on TV.

He praises Matt Smith, Karen Gillan and the rest of the cast, as well as Steven Moffat's "energetic, intelligent ideas" before, in a later paragraph, calling the plot too confusing ("Please don't ask me to explain it - only children can follow Doctor Who" - uh, what?). And it seems that Shelley has not only confused himself over the characters and his own opinions, but also completely missed the entire point of the whole episode. It would appear that he neither followed, nor understood, a single one of the important events in this episode.

Sorry Jim, I'm an amateur, you're meant to be a professional. Even I know that to review something successfully you really need to make sure your facts are right. There are some glaring inaccuracies in your review - whether because you felt it above you to give the show your full attention or because you are simply too thick to get what was a simple time travel plot - that I'm afraid has made me abandon my own opinions and instead focus on correcting your own.

First off, and I quote, "The Doctor was dead. Amy lay on him, sobbing, and then they pushed him out to see and torched his body, Viking-style. Except of course, he wasn't ... Essentially, he rescued himself". Getting a bit ahead of ourselves here, aren't we Jim? How did the Doctor rescue himself? You are aware that to enjoy something, to understand it, you have to listen and watch, right? I mean, of course you do! You're a pro!

Next up was a little bit about the Silence. Sure, your description of them was fair enough, but not original by a fucking long way. And you're missing, from your quote from the bathroom death scene, the most important line! Clearly you missed the entire point... Shelley writes; "'Why did you have to kill her?' cried Amy, after an old lady was vaporised inside the Ladies at the White House. 'Joy!' it responded. (Bizarrley [sic] The Silence was not silent.)" - again mate, you've missed the point. The Silent's line was "Joy... Her name was Joy!". I've set out my thoughts on this in a previous post below, but it's pretty important to mention, don't you think? And I won't comment on your spelling mistakes.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've ever read such a steaming pile of garbled shit in a long while. Did you like the episode? Didn't you? Do you even know yourself? As for you not understanding it - it's a terrible shame that there is likely to be no more Sarah Jane Adventures. At least the stories in that show would be flat enough for you to be able to follow. Sorry to rant. I don't mean to upset anyone. But then, you didn't mean to upset me. I'm an out of work amateur blogger, I love writing and there are people like Jim Shelley filling pages - in national newspapers for lots of money - with inaccurate, incredibly poor tripe. It makes me very bitter - which is very unattractive. So I'll stop talking just after I've said this:

I loved the episode. I understood it all and I cannot wait for next week and, indeed, the rest of what promises to be a cracking series of my favourite show. Rant ends.

Silence Is Golden? A Theory...

2011-04-24T16:24:00.002+01:00

The Silence, a terrifying new monster in Doctor Who. Murderous, villainous invaders from a world that we will never understand and have no hopes of defending ourselves against. Or are they? There were a number of clues in The Impossible Astronauts, a handful of moments and odd little things they did, that make me think that they are not the villainous monsters we think they are, but instead a sad and sorrowful race, trapped here (their ship won't work, remember) for thousands of years.

Here are the main moments, listed chronologically as the episode progressed, [with my reasons for noticing this, an explanation of sorts, in brackets] that caught my eye and made me think that there is a lot more to these silent 'foes' than meets the eye. I'm very possibly very very wrong. But it's worth thinking about, at least:

1) The Silent On The Hill At The Picnic - [hold that thought...]

2) The Silent At The Door - [Why did it just stand there? What was it that it wanted? It was there, looking at Amy, then gone!]

3) The Silent In The Bathroom - [It was there, threateningly looking at Amy as she entered, yet didn't attack. When it was confronted by the woman - a seemingly harmless woman, no threat at all - it killed her and, while she was screaming, made a sucking noise/action... I think this was the Silent "stealing a voice" (it hadn't spoken before this point) in order to tell Amy what it needed to tell her; that she should tell the Doctor what she knows she must and what she knows she must not! When Amy says to it "You killed her! You didn't have to kill her!" it replies "Joy. Her name was Joy!..." This reminded me of the scene from Vampires In Venice where the Doctor was disgusted to find that Rosana Calvieri didn't know the name of the dead girl... The Silent DID know and showed itself to want Amy to know that it knew who she was, even though she was really nobody. This is the ONLY death caused by the Silence in the whole episode.]

4) The Silence In The Tunnels - [When River explored the tunnels there were Silence everywhere, skulking in the dark, dank tunnels, looking sad and downtrodden (remember the Natural Ood in Planet of the Ood?). Why didn't they attack? Why didn't they just kill her there and then, kill those upstairs too, kill them all! Who'd know?! In fact, why are they so reluctant to kill at all?]

5) The Silence In The Ship - [When River and Rory were breaking into the ship (the Lodger Tardis-looking ship) there were, again, Silence everywhere - but they didn't attack. They didn't even MOVE from where they were sat until River had triggered their ship's alarm... Think of it from their point of view: Some strange woman breaks into your spaceship... I'd be pissed off too! And if this theory is right, then it's also quite sad! The Silence NEED to kill to get a voice. So they NEED to kill to be able to say "we're not here to harm you!"]

'Silence Will Fall' or so we've been told. OOH! DOOM-LADEN!! But for whom? We've treated it as a threat, as something that needs to be stopped! And sure, yes, if I'm right, it needs to be stopped. Because if Silence Falls then there is another dead race in the universe. They need the Doctor's help. He's the only one who can kick-start their ship (see The Lodger) but in order to explain this to him, someone has to die. They need a voice to explain it to him! They don't want to hurt anyone, but HAVE to in order to explain themselves. Sad, eh?

So what about this: The Doctor, by whatever means, saves the Silence from whatever it is that they're running/hiding from. His death, as we have seen, has to happen. His allies are collected together in Utah to "see him off" - Amy, Rory, River, Canton E Delaware III... AND The Silent On The Hill At The Picnic, there one last time to pay his last respects to the Time Lord responsible for assuring the future survival of his race.

I'm no longer scared of the Silence. I think they're severely misunderstood creatures, very unfortunately massive, ugly, terrifying and mute and can only get a voice to tell us they need our help by killing to "steal a voice". I've not figured out the "girl in the space suit" bit just yet... Or written my episode review. It'll be with you soon. But... what do you think?

ADDED MUCH LATER: How wrong was I, eh? Ah well...

The Impossible Astronaut: A Few Pre-Review Comments

2011-04-23T22:15:00.000+01:00

Well, what did we all think of that?! Personally, I loved every nail-biting second. I will be reviewing the whole episode tomorrow (after a couple more viewings tonight, even though I've seen it three times already) and that review should be up on this blog before tomorrow night.

But I want to throw a few words around in a more "casual" way. The following post contains spoilers for The Impossible Astronaut, so if you haven't seen it yet, you'd best STOP READING NOW!

First off, that death scene at the lake? WONDERFUL! Secondly, the Rory/River conversation in the tunnels? PERFECT! Thirdly, the banter between River and the Doctor, between Rory and Amy and between Canton and everyone was simply magical!

Ah, Canton Everett Delaware III! Without doubt my favourite supporting character in Doctor Who for ages! He is witty, charming, a bit of a maverick... He's wonderful! I wish there had been more of him, though - since it seems that he's bound to play a pretty important role in the Doctor's life and death (he already has, on-screen) then it's only fair that he gets the recognition! He's amazing. I can't heap enough praise on Mark Sheppard as an actor and the character himself for being just... just... fucking cool! I would welcome him back, as a regular guest star - like Alex Kingston is, or John Barrowman was - with open arms!

I'm a Canton Everett Delaware III fan, for sure!

Today. It's Today!

2011-04-23T11:05:00.002+01:00

Today is the day. If you've seen the "spoilery photos" released last night by the BBC then you'll know a little more of what to expect. If you haven't then I strongly suggest you keep yourself spoiler-free for just a few more hours! At 6pm tonight we get to finally see what all this fuss is about! And boy, are we in for a treat!

Above is the new enemy in action - The Silence have a plan that has been in the works for thousands of years and it's up to Team TARDIS to stop them... Can they? We'll see!

Not Long Now!

2011-04-22T13:52:00.000+01:00

In little over twenty-four hours we will be sat down on our sofas, with curtains closed, children sedated and phones unplugged ready to watch the first episode of the Sixth Series of Doctor Who. Matt Smith, Karen Gillan, Arthur Darvill and Alex Kingston all return to fight a brand new threat! The Silence have arrived (well, they've been here a while now) and they are fucking nasty!

Without giving too much away, here's what a few teasers for you: One of the four above WILL die, for real. They all have secrets (Amy has a BIG one) that their keeping from each other. And there are some pretty massive cliff-hanger endings ahead... Brace yourself. Who's back!

Lis Sladen 1948 - 2011

2011-04-21T18:48:00.000+01:00

I wasn't going to write about Lis Sladen's death as there are so many much better tributes to her out there that mine would never be good enough. But I'm writing a little something, just to remember one of Doctor Who's best loved companions.

Beginning her time on Doctor Who in the Third Doctor story The Time Warrior way back in 1973, Lis Sladen gave the character of Sarah Jane Smith something that previous companions didn't have - wit and intelligence and fight!

Sarah Jane was everyone's favourite companion, saving the universe with more Doctors than any other companion in the show! She first met Jon Pertwee's Third Doctor, stayed on to travel with Tom Baker's Fourth, then met the First, Second and Fifth in anniversary story The Five Doctors when she returned to guest-star alongside some of the best known companions in the show's history.

She then returned in the Tenth Doctor story School Reunion, alongside David Tennant, before being given her very own spin-off show on CBBC, The Sarah Jane Adventures. Within this show she more or less became a hero to a generation of children who had never seen her in Doctor Who. Still looking amazing and still with the energy and wit that she had back in the day, Sarah Jane Smith was well and truly back in the Whoniverse. Fighting monsters old and new, with our old friend K9, and meeting some more of the best companions ever - the Brigadier, Jo Grant, as well as the best new companions in Journey's End and the wonderful SJA kids...

It was on SJA that she got to meet the current incarnation of the Doctor, Matt Smith's Eleventh. And still, countless faces later, there was still a wonderful chemistry, a perfect nostalgia about their brief adventure together.

I'm so sad that Lis Sladen has passed away, but there are no words that I can really say to pay tribute to such a wonderful woman. So this little post is dedicated to the memory of one Sarah Jane Smith, investigative journalist, fan favourite and all round hotty. Even into her sixties. She will be missed <3

Russell Brand On Piers Morgan's Life Stories

2011-04-18T16:11:00.000+01:00

I can't bloody stand Piers Morgan - he winds me up, as, no doubt, he does you. But that show he does, Life Stories, is pretty good. I watched it when Gordon Brown was on there and when Simon Cowell was on there and when Cheryl Cole was on there. I threw rotting veg at the screen when Susan Boyle was on there (nothing personal against her... I just don't like her). But the episode I have enjoyed most was shown after Britain's Got Talent on Saturday and featured an interview with Russell Brand.

If you don't know who Russell is, what stone have you been living under for the last decade? Comedian, actor, ex-junkie, author, Mr Katy Perry and all round bloody flouncy clever-clogs - a sort of rock and roll Stephen Fry - Brand is either loved or hated. And ever since the whole "Sachsgate" affair (see below) he's been HATED by pretty much anyone without a sense of humour, especially the Daily Mail! He's their anti-BBC poster boy.

Which is nonsense, because the whole "Sachsgate" thing was nonsense. Two comedians made stupid, childish remarks to an old man - it was funny at the time, no doubt: We've all been there and done that - and realised in hindsight that their comments were hurtful and ill-advised. But don't forget that the show on which this incident happened was pre-recorded and broadcast, not by Brand or Ross, but by a producer. Anyway, you all know the outcome - Brand resigned, Ross got suspended and the BBC became the Big Bad in a PC-War. Utter, utter shit.

But there we are! That's the world we live in these days... Brand talks about this incident in some detail on Piers Morgan's show, as well as sharing information about other areas of his life - his previous addiction to drugs, alcohol and sex, his marriage to Katy Perry and the horrors of being him. All in all he comes across as a charming, intelligent and likable man. A clever, talented, funny man. An influential man with a real sense of responsibility and a razor-sharp wit. I like Russell Brand. He's a genius.

The London Marathon 2011

2011-04-17T14:03:00.002+01:00

If getting up at 7am for the Formula 1 isn't exertion enough I have also had to sit through the bloody London Marathon this morning/this afternoon. I'm exhausted! Back in 1908 I don't think anyone thought that such an event would make unfit people like me out of breath without us even taking part.

It's boring watching the athletes run it. Really boring. But when the fun runners come out, dressed as bears, washing machines and various other stupid things, it's a lot of fun!

Some of them are doing it solely for a good cause - it's all for charity see! - but some, you can tell, do it just for the bloody hell of it. Those who run in a mankini with no charity attached, or so it seems. That's what I'd do. It's an excuse to dress up as a bit of a bell end and run further than you take your bus to work every day. It'd be fun, I think! And if, like me, you're incredibly unfit after spending far too long on your sofa, then it's a nice excuse to get back into shape.

So I've made a decision: I'll bloody do it. I'll start training, as best I can, starting May 1st. I'll get myself back in to shape, fit again, able to run further than to the Co op... And then, one year from today, I'll run the London Marathon. I will. Don't laugh! I bloody will! You just watch this space...

BGT Returns!

2011-04-17T13:01:00.000+01:00

Just a really quick post about the return of Britain's Got Talent. I'll be blogging a lot about it as the series progresses I think...

Bottom line is this: The show is suffering from a severe lack of Simon Cowell. The new judges, Michael McIntyre and David Hasselhoff are okay, but there's a bite missing this year...

Also, there's a severe lack of talent. I know it's early days and they tend to get the stupid, idiot contestants seen first but there was only one person with any talent at all (I refuse to count the little comedy kid who just told old jokes in a too-big suit).

Michael Collins (not that one) plays guitar and is a bit fat and nerdy and dresses like he's got a day of wanking planned. But he really really can play guitar! He sings too and although his voice isn't world class by any means, he's pretty good. The ONLY person in the entire first episode to show even a modicum of talent. I hope we get more "good auditions" in the shows to come, otherwise we may as well just give the Royal Variety Show gig to Mike now.

TV To Get Stupid By!

2011-04-16T20:20:00.000+01:00

So, this is what happens when you watch Saturday Night Television at your Mum's eh? I wanted to watch the wonderful rhythmic talents of the artists on BBC's "So You Think You Can Dance?". Unfortunately, on my Mum's old Panasonic, this is not allowed! Oh no!

Instead I was made to sit through the new pre-watershed Keith Lemon vehicle, celebrity sing-along gloss-fest "Sing If You Can". Forgetting for a moment that all TV Talent Shows these days apparently have attitude problems - their titles either bullying you mockingly or sneering at you for daring to think you can do something - "Sing If You Can" is just about the most unbearable show I've ever had the misfortune of sitting through.

Basically, a bunch of "celebs" (her who won Nancy, him who done that dancing show, etc) are made to sing songs live while being distracted by stuff that's going on around them. It's like a lighthearted take on a Celine Dion concert on the Gaza Strip. Jodie Prenger (?) was made to sing while covered in snakes, that blonde one from G4 had to warble while balloons were popped in his face. It was like an annoying night at the student's union. And sure, it's funny for a few minutes, like Jackass is, or Trigger Happy TV, but after a very short while the joke just gets very, very old. It's a cross between "Don't Forget The Lyrics", "Distraction" and the list of people NOT allowed in the Groucho club due to them being less famous than my left bollock.

And it's not just the childish OTT ITV audience bray-inducing bullshit that wound me up, no! Interspersed with this nonsense were heartfelt pleas for donations to a teenage cancer charity by Stacey Solomon?! Thankfully, but no less forgivably, "Britain's Got Talent" returns tonight too... So, I'll watch that now, in the hope that there's a fella reading Yeats poems while juggling or something, anything to try to grab back the braincells that died watching what I can only describe as "the worst Saturday Night show ever". If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you throu... ugh, Fuck it.

Guess Who's Back One Week From Today!

2011-04-16T14:59:00.000+01:00

I remember more than one year ago I was working in a restaurant. It was Saturday and I was due to finish at 5pm. I wanted to rush home to see the first episode of a new series of Doctor Who starring Matt Smith and Karen Gillan - a new Doctor, a new companion.

As I rushed breathlessly home, through many of the streets that the very episode that I was rushing home to see was filmed on, I had a thought: It feels like just the other day that I was doing this very same thing; rushing home to see David Tennant kick off his last run as the Doctor in the Easter Special, Planet Of The Dead.

Now it's a year later, more than that, and I'm once again waiting patiently for the start of a new series of Doctor Who starring Matt Smith and Karen Gillan - no longer the new kids. But last year I didn't make it. Last year I missed the pre-title sequence and the new opening credits. I was angry. So this year I've assured I won't miss a single second of the Series Six opener, The Impossible Astronaut, by doing something rash. I'm starting my wait now, one week early.

I'm sat here, with an apocalypse-surviving-bunker's worth of snack food and sparkling mineral water, tv tuned to BBC One. Okay, that's a lie. But it's no lie that, in one week's time, we'll all be sitting silently, watching Amy Pond and her husband Rory, along with old friend River Song, as they track through the sands of Utah to reach a meeting point, there to find the Doctor once more.

And so begins what promises to be the most exciting - definitely most eagerly anticipated - series of Doctor Who since the show's monumental regeneration in 2005. Brand new locations, brand new friends, brand new, terrifying enemies... We've been promised that Series Six Episodes One and Two will see one of our heroes die.

Leaks abound on spoiler sites the web over as to who this is - there are incredibly detailed summaries of the entire two-part opener, including a mind-blowing cliffhanger or two. But don't go searching... Sit down at 5.58pm on Saturday 23rd April - one week from now - and watch aghast as Doctor Who goes to America!! Don't spoil yourselves before then, this is an opener that will blow your cock off!

The Silent Menace

2011-04-11T15:57:00.002+01:00

You all know there's a new monster in the opening two-parter of Doctor Who this year. You've all seen them, grainy and skulking, or snarling and vicious in the trailers... Now here's a proper promo image that shows one of The Silent, and shows them clearly. And clearly, they are terrifying! I cant wait to see them on-screen!

Campus

2011-04-09T07:44:00.000+01:00

If you like Green Wing then why the hell would you have missed Campus on Channel 4 (Tuesdays)? The first episode of this surreal and unsettling comedy starring the wonderful Andy Nyman took me by surprise. It's instantly recognisable as a deformed second-cousin to Green Wing, but it's... quieter.

The basics are there, even almost-carbon-copies of characters - office-dweller Jonty is the Sue White of the show. Then you've got a Caroline (desired but frumpy), a Guy (all about sex, obviously going to redeem himself), a gang of "office girls" and so on.

But it's a great little show in its own right. Set in fictional Kirke University, it follows a cast of characters throughout their day - staff and pupils - and is filled with enough filth and funnies to keep even the most staunch non-laugher spit their instant coffee across their beige 'TV room'. And I have a feeling that the opening episode is just that, an opener. It was a real "getting to know you" episode with a trickle of story in the background. It introduced all of the staff wonderfully - I think I'm in love with Maths Lecturer Imogen.

But it's not a patch on Green Wing - not for me anyway, not yet. I'll keep watching because all the ingredients are right, they just need a week or two of mixing. It's great, great fun. Worth a watch, definitely.

Busy*

2011-04-05T18:00:00.001+01:00

Steady tones,

And still you listen,

Hoping a shrill chirp will replace them,

But they won't,

You know.

And you know,

You think;

"I'll write something awful and

Pretentious about this,

One day".

* This poem is intentionally terrible.

Old News, But Good News.

2011-04-02T14:27:00.000+01:00

Here are all the full-length Doctor Who Series Six Trailers we've been given so far...

Christmas - Coming Soon!

Series Six UK

Series Six USA

Luther (BBC)

2011-03-31T21:03:00.000+01:00

Britain does crime drama really well. The BBC have a knack for doing it really, really well. And I think, last year, they managed to squeeze out the one I've found most interesting and so enjoyable! Last year the BBC gave us Luther.

The series stars The Wire actor Idris Elba as DCI John Luther, a troubled man with problems in every area of his life - a wife who no longer wants him, a genius sociopath stalker threatening to turn his life upside-down, a serious anger management problem and a tough case to crack, every bloody episode.

The first series begins with Luther chasing a man through an abandoned factory and, when a high platform gives way beneath the pursued, "not saving" a child kidnapper from a long fall into the bowels of the building.

Seven months later and Luther is recovering from a mental breakdown, a split from his wife and suspension from his job while the factory incident is investigated. We join him just as the investigation is dropped due to lack of evidence and he regains his badge.

His first case involves the execution-like murder of the parents of one Alice Morgan, a child genius. Luther believes from the off that Alice is the one to blame for her parents' death, despite there being no evidence, no murder weapon, no motive. And so begins a game of intellectual cat and mouse between the determined and talented DCI Luther and the cold and calculating genius, Alice. Once the pieces are in place on the board the rest of the series follows a "crime of the week" format, led towards a shocking and heartbreaking finale, with gentle encouragement from Luther's sociopath stalker.

The story arc is fascinating and unsettling and the "crime of the week" elements are made all the more interesting by the fact that there's no mystery to them. It's all about the chase. Luther is one of the most watchable characters in recent times, in equal measure morally sound and recklessly spontaneous. And he has one hell of a temper on him!

This is not good news for anyone who gets in his way! The host of "criminals of the week" get their comeuppance at the hands of this brute of a copper. I won't go too deep into the stories but the series contains some of the most horrific murderers you could think of.

Also in the path of this juggernaut is Paul McGann as Luther's wife's lover, Mark - his wife is played by Torchwood star Indira Varma. As the lives of Alice Morgan, Zoey Luther and Mark North collide with John Luther's own, it seems than nobody's lives will ever be quite the same as they once were.

This is the sort of series that throws its villains at you and allows you to watch - there's no whodunnit here. Instead the BBC have given us a deeply harrowing psychological crime drama filled to the brim with some of the most memorable characters to ever grace the screen. Alice Morgan's cold seductive charm is utterly compelling in particular; all credit to the wonderful Ruth Wilson for that! And the good news is that there's a second series in the pipeline. So eyes open for that, too.

If you haven't seen the first series yet, it's available fairly cheaply on BBC DVD. I urge you to catch up. I promise that it's a six hour slice of your life that you will not grudge sacrificing. Luther is easily the most emotionally confusing crime drama I've seen in a long, long time. You'll love John AND you'll hate him. Sometimes within the space of one sentence! And it's that moral blurred line of all the characters that make this show so utterly, utterly unmissable.